Theft . . . and Gratitude
Sometimes I might be a little too open about the details...but I claim it makes things a little, just a little, more comical sometimes.
So today after work, I headed to Wal-Mart because I desperately needed tampons. I was completely out and at a point in the day where it was reeeaaaalllly important for me to get more. So I peruse the store a bit more since today was payday...find a pair of pants that are decently cute & my size, and decide to try em on...and (oops) in my 1st day of full-blown period brain fog (no, probably not what you were starting to dread) I leave my keys in the dressing room, hanging on the hook. Keys with wallet attached to the keyring.
Within 10 minutes, I realized what I had done and ran across the store to see if they were miraculously still there. They weren't. One person had used the dressing room after me, and the temptation was just too much, I'm sure. Nothing had been turned in to employees, so I let the employees know, ask for a description of the suspect (my 911 training kicked right in), and after about 20 seconds of only getting hispanic female in her 20's, unknown color shirt, unknown hair length...I bolt for the parking lot to see if my car is still there. (Those handy alarm keyfobs can be a wonderful asset in finding your car when you forgot where you parked.....or...um, ya. yikes.)
Get to the parking lot with my mind racing about how frustrating it's gonna be if my CAR is gone, too...and *whew* sigh of relief, it's still there. But I'm now panicky about it disappearing at some point. So I run back into the store, find a phone to call for a police report, and wonderfully enough, get a girl I used to work with who is also willing to do the extra favor I ask of calling another of our co-workers (my roommate) & asking her to find my spare keys & keyfob, and dropping them off for me.
I talk to a manager, try to find a phone number for my bank to cancel my bank card (which, by the way, is NOT an easy number to find) and go wait outside for either some suspicious person to walk up to my car, or until my roommate or the police show up.
Here's all the cool stuff:
1) There's an officer working off-duty at the store. He just happens to be standing outside the garden center, close to where my car is, and he takes my report then & there. No waiting for up to (or more than) an hour for an officer to respond in the 104 degree heat.
2) Last week I purged my room and actually KNEW exactly where my spare key & keyfob were, so I could describe where they were for my roommate to find them.
3) My cell phone wasn't stolen. It was inside my locked car.
4) I no longer memorize phone numbers, so I knew I didn't have a phone number to contact my roommate (or anyone) to bring me keys or pick me up or help me out....but wait. Roommate & I both work for the police department, and you can get department member's phone numbers through dispatch if you give your ID number. 2 birds, 1 stone: call to start the report, and the operator doesn't even hesitate in saying yes when i ask her to call my roommate and relay the info to help me. (Thanks!!)
5) I knew EXACTLY what cards were in my attached-purse. Non-interesting story from shopping for groceries last night...I knew that only my credit/debit bank card was the only money card in there. That's unusual. I almost ALWAYS have a credit card, too. Not today.
6) My address on my Driver's License is a PO Box. Yep, they got my car keys, alarm fob, house keys, and mail key. But they only thing they know where is, is my mailbox. & they can't be too sure which post office that's in.
7) I still had my 2nd mailbox key at home (in a place I actually knew about) & got my mail as soon as I got home. Tomorrow I'll have them change the locks & I won't even have to change my address on all my accounts.
8) After 20-30 minutes on the phone trying to get the right number for reporting my bank card stolen, I get in touch with someone who can help. Card cancelled, new one being send (not to the PO Box), and NO fraudulent charges!! They had to verify my last deposit date & amount...guess what? I was carrying my paystub with me today cuz I just got paid today. Also, I NEVER carry my checkbook with me, and I haven't memorized my new checking account #. Ya, I ordered something from Avon last week (which I also NEVER do) and had my check book with my account number handy enough to be able to expidite the cancelling of my check card.
9) I had $40 cash in my stolen-wallet. Which I honestly think might be the reason the card wasn't used. Maybe they were still shopping; maybe they did a bee-line and left with their newfound treasure, I dunno. I'm just grateful that my entire paycheck wasn't depleted (a miracle it wasn't even touched), and that I was able to catch it quickly.
10) I know about the credit agencies - Equifax, TransUnion, and Experian. I know to call them and place a fraud alert on my credit info. REALLY nice thing about it, is that I only had to call one, and they placed the fraud alert for all 3. RIGHT ON!!
11) As pointed out by my co-worker, I have the chance to get a really GREAT new Driver's License photo. Heck ya, bring it on.
12) My roommate was available and willing to help. She was there within 20 minutes. Which felt like a lifetime, but I was filling out the police paperwork most of that time.
13) My car alarm 'just started acting funny' last week. Usually it audibly beeps when you press the keyfob and locks/unlocks. Well, the audible part mysteriously quit working. It will flash the taillights and still lock/unlock, but doesn't make any sound when you press the buttons. And it does still sound when I press the panic/alarm button. Just not when I press the lock/unlock buttons.
14) Also, my keyfob doesn't have my vehicle make symbol on it. It's an actual car alarm keyfob, so it only has the alarm manufacture symbol on it. Granted, my car key has the car symbol on it, but hopefully my thief isn't so quick on the draw, and no one else will be able to find me or my car after this. I AM planning on having the alarm re-coded. Beautiful thing about the alarm is that if the alarm isn't deactivated properly, the engine won't start. It won't help that you have the correct key and can open the doors, there's a kill-switch which activates for the engine. I know this from experience. And the alarm is LOUD while you're sitting there turning the key with no results.
So...really, I've got a few things to still do tomorrow morning, and some stuff to follow up on, but my main concern to watch for is identity theft at this point. So I'll pull my credit report every few months to ensure no one is pretending to be me somewhere, and I'll cross my fingers, say my prayers, and hope that whoever got my goods just needed the 40 bucks, and doesn't have any interest in hunting down any of my details, or creating new ones.
Tonight as I was getting ready for bed, I thought about how grateful I am that my home (and my roommate's) is still a safe place. Our safety and property isn't compromised because of information being 'out there' from a theft. I'm not petrified that my car is going to be stolen, and I know that it's still possible for someone to link the information together, but I've made it pretty difficult. ALL my accounts are in my PO Box address. Yay!
So....I've felt an overwhelming amount of gratitude for the fact that in the last year, because of my divorce, I've converted to PO Boxes. I'm grateful for all the little detailed 'conveniences' that made this a very-low-damage theft so far. I'm grateful for the anonymity of a large city to be well-hidden in, and I'm grateful for having the work history of 911 and police-association, to know what to do, and even to have someone go the extra mile for me because they know me.
It all makes me feel very, very taken care of.
But I still need tampons.
:) My roommate has let me have some of hers until I get some. Good roommates ROCK.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Thursday, August 09, 2007
NOT Normal.
At all. Or maybe... Maybe I am. But I don't feel like it!!
The last 2 months have been increasing difficult. Blah, blah, you know the drill. Whine, complain, vent, get aggrivated, get frustrated, cry a little bit, cry a lot, realize I've got non-stop PMS symptoms, fume a bit, get irritated that I'm irritable, feel lousy and exhausted, stay away from everyone, get frustrated that I'm a-social, work up the courage to go be social, be a bit more social but then hate that I have to be single and social all over again...
that's been me.
GRANTED, there HAVE been a few short, sweet moments of pleasantness and relief when it seems like a touch of my former-self has emerged. (Key word: >>short<< moments)
But they ARE there.
I don't really understand all the reasons that I've been a wreck all over again. I don't know if this is normal. It definitely does NOT feel normal to me. It's not in harmony with my overall personality, it's not in step with my habitual characteristics, and it's not what I WANT to be.
But it's there. It's me. I'm it.
I would attribute most of it to me being emotionally overwhelmed again. In a different way. Initially, when my world fell apart without any warning, I recognized that things would be tough. I knew I would be a mess. & I didn't expect anything different. I took it easy and laid low, trusting that things would settle & I would see my path of action to be taken.
NOW, though, it's been 8 months since my annullment was final, and I was truly improving steadily. I was ready to be social again, ready to find love again, ready for all the blah-blah-blah-goodness, even if it was difficult. I expected things to just be easier from now on. Why wouldn't they be??
Enter relationship/romance with wonderful new guy. End relationship/romance with wonderful new guy. Kind-of. We're still friends. Trying to find the right grounds for being friends but dealing with the array of stuff that's going on in both our hearts and heads, when I know he is not the guy for me to 'get serious' with but he isn't convinced that I'm right about that. Enter a HUGE trial of my faith in regards to answers to prayer (different issue than the guy-thing). Approach my 30th birthday and alllll the self-assessments that go along with realizing I've been on this earth for 30 YEARS and...what? Approach the anniversary of my personal D-day which happens to be less than 2 weeks after my 30th birthday. Already existing: continuous upheaval and drama at work through changes, changes, changes. Also already existing: doubts about whether I should change or remain where I live and where I work. The Plan of Action is no clearer than it was back then, and here I am, and what the HECK do I do?
It's like I have taken a HUGE leap backwards from progressing. Now, I DO know this isn't true. It just FEELS like it cuz my emotions are flip-flopping like a fish on the floor, freaking out & just wanting to be in their safe place again. It's like my emotional whirlwind is daily evolving into tornado-ish proponets at times and lulling into dead, still, unending tension in the air before the tornado resumes at other times. It sucks. I'm dealing with new issues in all areas of being single after being married. I'm getting annoyed that these problems currently exist in my personality & characteristics, & that they didn't used to be there. I'm irked that I seem less strong, less sure of myself, less able to fight my way through my battles.
Really, I do know I'm still progressing. I *think* I know :) that things aren't supposed to constantly be smooth sailing & easier terrain from the first 4 months. But to live through my experience so far, it just seemed like a fair assessment to expect to do better tomorrow than today, especially when I have been steadily DOING better progressively.
Wrong, I guess. When a serious physical injury is sustained and therapy is required, it's because healing has to occur and strength has to be rebuilt. And that process is slow (molasses slow), and steady, and you have to be gentle yet firm with yourself in your dedication to the program. If you try to alter any of those aspects, you're gonna pay a price. In writing this, I already know which one I'm suffering because of.
I DO recognize that just because I FEEL a certain way, doesn't make it true. I DO know that I am doing better this week than last, and that last week was better than the one before. I guess I shouldn't be the one to harshly determine where I SHOULD be versus simply where I am, and I should back off and allow myself to still be in a loss/trauma cycle.
I guess. ;)
At all. Or maybe... Maybe I am. But I don't feel like it!!
The last 2 months have been increasing difficult. Blah, blah, you know the drill. Whine, complain, vent, get aggrivated, get frustrated, cry a little bit, cry a lot, realize I've got non-stop PMS symptoms, fume a bit, get irritated that I'm irritable, feel lousy and exhausted, stay away from everyone, get frustrated that I'm a-social, work up the courage to go be social, be a bit more social but then hate that I have to be single and social all over again...
that's been me.
GRANTED, there HAVE been a few short, sweet moments of pleasantness and relief when it seems like a touch of my former-self has emerged. (Key word: >>short<< moments)
But they ARE there.
I don't really understand all the reasons that I've been a wreck all over again. I don't know if this is normal. It definitely does NOT feel normal to me. It's not in harmony with my overall personality, it's not in step with my habitual characteristics, and it's not what I WANT to be.
But it's there. It's me. I'm it.
I would attribute most of it to me being emotionally overwhelmed again. In a different way. Initially, when my world fell apart without any warning, I recognized that things would be tough. I knew I would be a mess. & I didn't expect anything different. I took it easy and laid low, trusting that things would settle & I would see my path of action to be taken.
NOW, though, it's been 8 months since my annullment was final, and I was truly improving steadily. I was ready to be social again, ready to find love again, ready for all the blah-blah-blah-goodness, even if it was difficult. I expected things to just be easier from now on. Why wouldn't they be??
Enter relationship/romance with wonderful new guy. End relationship/romance with wonderful new guy. Kind-of. We're still friends. Trying to find the right grounds for being friends but dealing with the array of stuff that's going on in both our hearts and heads, when I know he is not the guy for me to 'get serious' with but he isn't convinced that I'm right about that. Enter a HUGE trial of my faith in regards to answers to prayer (different issue than the guy-thing). Approach my 30th birthday and alllll the self-assessments that go along with realizing I've been on this earth for 30 YEARS and...what? Approach the anniversary of my personal D-day which happens to be less than 2 weeks after my 30th birthday. Already existing: continuous upheaval and drama at work through changes, changes, changes. Also already existing: doubts about whether I should change or remain where I live and where I work. The Plan of Action is no clearer than it was back then, and here I am, and what the HECK do I do?
It's like I have taken a HUGE leap backwards from progressing. Now, I DO know this isn't true. It just FEELS like it cuz my emotions are flip-flopping like a fish on the floor, freaking out & just wanting to be in their safe place again. It's like my emotional whirlwind is daily evolving into tornado-ish proponets at times and lulling into dead, still, unending tension in the air before the tornado resumes at other times. It sucks. I'm dealing with new issues in all areas of being single after being married. I'm getting annoyed that these problems currently exist in my personality & characteristics, & that they didn't used to be there. I'm irked that I seem less strong, less sure of myself, less able to fight my way through my battles.
Really, I do know I'm still progressing. I *think* I know :) that things aren't supposed to constantly be smooth sailing & easier terrain from the first 4 months. But to live through my experience so far, it just seemed like a fair assessment to expect to do better tomorrow than today, especially when I have been steadily DOING better progressively.
Wrong, I guess. When a serious physical injury is sustained and therapy is required, it's because healing has to occur and strength has to be rebuilt. And that process is slow (molasses slow), and steady, and you have to be gentle yet firm with yourself in your dedication to the program. If you try to alter any of those aspects, you're gonna pay a price. In writing this, I already know which one I'm suffering because of.
I DO recognize that just because I FEEL a certain way, doesn't make it true. I DO know that I am doing better this week than last, and that last week was better than the one before. I guess I shouldn't be the one to harshly determine where I SHOULD be versus simply where I am, and I should back off and allow myself to still be in a loss/trauma cycle.
I guess. ;)
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
2nd Chances
I first really caught myself re-musing about the beauty of my 'second chance' opportunities while hiking the 11 miles to Havasupai. I had a wonderful time picking through my heart and mind while on that journey, and was able to ponder and reflect on things big and small.
First and foremost, I was grateful and amazed to be on this hike. I first saw photos of Havasupai back in 1998 while working at the Wal-Mart PhotoCenter in Utah, and promised myself that someday I would go there - wherever in the world it was located. Imagine my surprise when I found out it was in my home state! It still took me 9 years to make it, but had I remained married & in my then-current circumstances, the chances of getting there are next to none. Only if I had taken absolute initiative and been willing to go alone and/or without my husband, would I have gone. Sad but true.
Secondly, I enjoyed the journey. There were times along the trail that I caught myself smiling to myself - a huge, completely content, and utterly complete grin spread across my face. This is a journey I wanted to be on, and I was on it. I was surrounded by nature's miraculous beauties, and I was part of it all in those moments. Experiencing, sharing, and partaking of it all. (I know I get just a bit cheezy about it all) but Outside is my place to Be. I'm always more alive, more whole, more content . . . more ME when I'm outside - especially in a place with little or no civilization. I'm a dirt-loving girl, what more can I say?
Third, I found out about 3 weeks prior to this trip that I have a brain cyst. All I knew for 5 days was that it existed & I needed another test to find out if it was benign. Those 5 days sent me through a re-evaluation of my life and priorities which allowed me an amazing opportunity to see life with a new perspective. What is REALLY important to me? What is lasting? What do I want more than anything? What are all the little things I will miss about my life and this earth? What am I going to be saddest about missing out on if my future is suddenly cut short?
Beautifully, I felt underlying peace the entire time. I found that I was truly at peace with my life and how I have lived it. (pretty big for me having gone through a divorce within the last 6 months) The only regrets would be not having the chance to accomplish the few things which I have always longed for - namely having a family of my own and being sealed for forever to my future husband. After the 5 days, I got news that my cyst is non-threatening in every way. Nothing to be concerned about at ALL. So there has been an added appreciation and gratitude for life and health which I recognized and counted my blessings for while I made the journey through the canyon. I was physically able to do this. & after all my health issues and physical pain and limitations existing through the last 2 years, it was a wonderful experience to be able to accomplish something so big.
Fourth, I had a few conversations about what I want in a future spouse. & while there could easily be a huge list of what i do and don't want, I was really able to just sum it up in the simple request that he be my equal. And in saying that, I realized that it's a perfectly legitimate request - in fact, it makes perfect and fair sense. I'm sad to admit this, but that's a new concept for me. There's justification from my life-lived in asking for someone who matches and compliments me. It's not asking for too much or being too picky. It's what I deserve. Again, I am so grateful for second chances. : )
Fifth, I am so grateful to be inspired by people who come into my life and heart. I am grateful to know that I can love again and can experience the giddiness, the joy, the beauty, the strength, the purity, the respect, and the goodness of a relationship with someone else. Whether it stays or you have to let it gently go, it's still real and effectual, and does a wonderful miracle in blessing your life and heart for the better. I am so grateful for second chances to be able to experience that, and for my heart to grow stronger and deeper.
Second chances are miraculous. What are the second chances you are enjoying in life right now?
I first really caught myself re-musing about the beauty of my 'second chance' opportunities while hiking the 11 miles to Havasupai. I had a wonderful time picking through my heart and mind while on that journey, and was able to ponder and reflect on things big and small.
First and foremost, I was grateful and amazed to be on this hike. I first saw photos of Havasupai back in 1998 while working at the Wal-Mart PhotoCenter in Utah, and promised myself that someday I would go there - wherever in the world it was located. Imagine my surprise when I found out it was in my home state! It still took me 9 years to make it, but had I remained married & in my then-current circumstances, the chances of getting there are next to none. Only if I had taken absolute initiative and been willing to go alone and/or without my husband, would I have gone. Sad but true.
Secondly, I enjoyed the journey. There were times along the trail that I caught myself smiling to myself - a huge, completely content, and utterly complete grin spread across my face. This is a journey I wanted to be on, and I was on it. I was surrounded by nature's miraculous beauties, and I was part of it all in those moments. Experiencing, sharing, and partaking of it all. (I know I get just a bit cheezy about it all) but Outside is my place to Be. I'm always more alive, more whole, more content . . . more ME when I'm outside - especially in a place with little or no civilization. I'm a dirt-loving girl, what more can I say?
Third, I found out about 3 weeks prior to this trip that I have a brain cyst. All I knew for 5 days was that it existed & I needed another test to find out if it was benign. Those 5 days sent me through a re-evaluation of my life and priorities which allowed me an amazing opportunity to see life with a new perspective. What is REALLY important to me? What is lasting? What do I want more than anything? What are all the little things I will miss about my life and this earth? What am I going to be saddest about missing out on if my future is suddenly cut short?
Beautifully, I felt underlying peace the entire time. I found that I was truly at peace with my life and how I have lived it. (pretty big for me having gone through a divorce within the last 6 months) The only regrets would be not having the chance to accomplish the few things which I have always longed for - namely having a family of my own and being sealed for forever to my future husband. After the 5 days, I got news that my cyst is non-threatening in every way. Nothing to be concerned about at ALL. So there has been an added appreciation and gratitude for life and health which I recognized and counted my blessings for while I made the journey through the canyon. I was physically able to do this. & after all my health issues and physical pain and limitations existing through the last 2 years, it was a wonderful experience to be able to accomplish something so big.
Fourth, I had a few conversations about what I want in a future spouse. & while there could easily be a huge list of what i do and don't want, I was really able to just sum it up in the simple request that he be my equal. And in saying that, I realized that it's a perfectly legitimate request - in fact, it makes perfect and fair sense. I'm sad to admit this, but that's a new concept for me. There's justification from my life-lived in asking for someone who matches and compliments me. It's not asking for too much or being too picky. It's what I deserve. Again, I am so grateful for second chances. : )
Fifth, I am so grateful to be inspired by people who come into my life and heart. I am grateful to know that I can love again and can experience the giddiness, the joy, the beauty, the strength, the purity, the respect, and the goodness of a relationship with someone else. Whether it stays or you have to let it gently go, it's still real and effectual, and does a wonderful miracle in blessing your life and heart for the better. I am so grateful for second chances to be able to experience that, and for my heart to grow stronger and deeper.
Second chances are miraculous. What are the second chances you are enjoying in life right now?
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Holy Havasupai, Batman!!
Have you ever gone on a vacation and enjoyed every second of it??
Even the part where your muscles hurt so much that you can barely move?
That's the vacation I just had.
Last Friday, two of my friends from work & I headed to the trailhead for Havasupai Canyon which is located at the southwest corner of the Grand Canyon. The only way into the canyon is by foot, horseback, or by helicopter. We opted for backpacking in and helicoptering out. 11 miles to the campsite, carrying 40 lb packs. HECK YA!!
Myself, Karen, and Kim at the beginning of our hike. The trailhead started right behind us - lots of switchbacks descending right into the canyon.
Mid-way (or so) - almost the entire hike was lined on both sides by red rock cliffs. This was in the sandwash/trail along the way.
That's the RIVER behind me. Turquoise water, even in the river?!!
So freakin' cool!!
Friday afternoon and Saturday morning were spent here at Havasu Falls. It's quite a majestic sight, and nature's color palette is awesome with the green foliage, turquoise pool, white waterfall, and red rock. The water, by the way, was COLD!!
Kim & I at the top of Mooney Falls. It's the tallest of the falls in the area at 196 feet, and absolutely breathtaking. To get to the bottom, yout must brave the freakish descent using chains secured to the walls at times - but it's WELL worth it!
This is a picture snapped from the helicopter on our ride back to the hillside. It was surprising to see how much ground we covered on foot (kinda freaky, actually).
Me getting off the helicopter. (Am I excited or what?)
The three of us at the end. I think it says something profound about the trip that our grins are even BIGGER after the 14-16 miles of hiking, blistered feet, and insanely sore muscles.
Would I do it again? Absolutely!! We've heard there's actually another group going at the end of June...
Havasu Falls
Mooney Falls
Have you ever gone on a vacation and enjoyed every second of it??
Even the part where your muscles hurt so much that you can barely move?
That's the vacation I just had.
Last Friday, two of my friends from work & I headed to the trailhead for Havasupai Canyon which is located at the southwest corner of the Grand Canyon. The only way into the canyon is by foot, horseback, or by helicopter. We opted for backpacking in and helicoptering out. 11 miles to the campsite, carrying 40 lb packs. HECK YA!!
Myself, Karen, and Kim at the beginning of our hike. The trailhead started right behind us - lots of switchbacks descending right into the canyon.
Mid-way (or so) - almost the entire hike was lined on both sides by red rock cliffs. This was in the sandwash/trail along the way.
That's the RIVER behind me. Turquoise water, even in the river?!!
So freakin' cool!!
Friday afternoon and Saturday morning were spent here at Havasu Falls. It's quite a majestic sight, and nature's color palette is awesome with the green foliage, turquoise pool, white waterfall, and red rock. The water, by the way, was COLD!!
Kim & I at the top of Mooney Falls. It's the tallest of the falls in the area at 196 feet, and absolutely breathtaking. To get to the bottom, yout must brave the freakish descent using chains secured to the walls at times - but it's WELL worth it!
This is a picture snapped from the helicopter on our ride back to the hillside. It was surprising to see how much ground we covered on foot (kinda freaky, actually).
Me getting off the helicopter. (Am I excited or what?)
The three of us at the end. I think it says something profound about the trip that our grins are even BIGGER after the 14-16 miles of hiking, blistered feet, and insanely sore muscles.
Would I do it again? Absolutely!! We've heard there's actually another group going at the end of June...
Havasu Falls
Mooney Falls
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Normal
Something strange has occurred in the last few weeks. I feel . . . normal. Normal to be single, normal to be a roommate, normal to be going to a Singles' Ward, normal talking about dating, normal GOING on a date, normal thinking there are some very cute & good guys out there.
& it's WEEIRD.
Cool, but weird.
Tuesday night I went to the (Mesa) temple and watched a few minutes of the Easter Pageant practice before heading to a singles' activity which I opted not to stay for the entirety of.
I was able to hang out with my sister & her (OUR) friend Susan on Wednesday.
Thursday I stayed home relaxing until I got mad at the plot of Smallville. Then I stayed home being ticked off at the world of Smallville and the injustice of that stupid storyline.
& this weekend, my friend Karen & I had a ball. Her kids were camping with dad by a lake, and I felt absolutely spoiled, getting to usurp her time for two whole days. Dinner, movie, quilt auction, and dinner again.
& today, church talks were fantastic, I taught the Relief Society lesson, chatted with a few people, thought about enjoying Institute last week because it was Institute & a place to feel peaceful & strengthened (not just be freaked out cuz of how many SINGLE people there are), and realized: Church is becoming that same way for me.
I visited my Visiting Teaching girls, and had fun. Good conversations. Served in the temple cafeteria on Saturday, and had fun.
I'm getting excited about the prospect of dating some of the guys I have run into on a regular basis. Excited about working a regular day-shift job with weekends, evenings, and holidays off, while I'm single (I was always working shift-work before). Excited about the future, whatever it holds. & happy to be alive & be me & have all the opportunities I do.
It's great to feel normal again.
Holy-Hot-Tamales Great.
Something strange has occurred in the last few weeks. I feel . . . normal. Normal to be single, normal to be a roommate, normal to be going to a Singles' Ward, normal talking about dating, normal GOING on a date, normal thinking there are some very cute & good guys out there.
& it's WEEIRD.
Cool, but weird.
Tuesday night I went to the (Mesa) temple and watched a few minutes of the Easter Pageant practice before heading to a singles' activity which I opted not to stay for the entirety of.
I was able to hang out with my sister & her (OUR) friend Susan on Wednesday.
Thursday I stayed home relaxing until I got mad at the plot of Smallville. Then I stayed home being ticked off at the world of Smallville and the injustice of that stupid storyline.
& this weekend, my friend Karen & I had a ball. Her kids were camping with dad by a lake, and I felt absolutely spoiled, getting to usurp her time for two whole days. Dinner, movie, quilt auction, and dinner again.
& today, church talks were fantastic, I taught the Relief Society lesson, chatted with a few people, thought about enjoying Institute last week because it was Institute & a place to feel peaceful & strengthened (not just be freaked out cuz of how many SINGLE people there are), and realized: Church is becoming that same way for me.
I visited my Visiting Teaching girls, and had fun. Good conversations. Served in the temple cafeteria on Saturday, and had fun.
I'm getting excited about the prospect of dating some of the guys I have run into on a regular basis. Excited about working a regular day-shift job with weekends, evenings, and holidays off, while I'm single (I was always working shift-work before). Excited about the future, whatever it holds. & happy to be alive & be me & have all the opportunities I do.
It's great to feel normal again.
Holy-Hot-Tamales Great.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
WHAT is disturbing your peace?
The last 2 weeks have been cantankerous for me. LOTS has disturbed my peace. The last few days have seemed to allow room for some resolution (or smoothing over at the very least) of some of the larger irritants. I'm sure it had to do some with me swallowing my pride, :) but I also think I finally realized what was going on.
I have been doused with ice-cold opportunities to check my humility. & in pinpointing what the purpose might be in all these things, I then had the choice of what to do with them, instead of just being hurt or annoyed or frustrated or angry (or, um, all of the above all of the time.)
Granted, just because I had a choice of what to do with it, didn't make it easy to suck up my irritation and be the first to ask about the building tension with my boss, go a little bit (I'm still working on it) past my hurt and ask Heavenly Father to help me forgive my earthly father for things which I have been offended by, allow forgiveness of self when a painful realization dawned, and allow a bunch of other things to roll off my back rather than keep them attached and burdening me with weight, pain, grief, frustration, and irritation. Really, there is a huge temptation in wanting to carry that weight because we feel like it justifies something. Silly. But real. It's hard to let go of a really justified grudge.
But it's so worth it. & I really needed a reminder and a chance to let the letting-go, turning-it-over-to-God, and genuine forgiveness (it's still a work in progress), all become powerful, noted, recent, and specific parts of my life and heart again. It's been a REALLY long time since I felt this bombarded with so many unfairnesses. Like High-School-long-time-ago. So I really am grateful for the pride-check and for the chance to really re-evaluate my current battles and expression of self when I get vocal while peeved.
I have to say thank you to my friends and family who have TRULY been my cushion which has kept me from breaking. Thank you for letting me vent my head and heart out to each of you. Every day. I cannot say thanks enough. Thanks for the understanding, the sympathy, the empathy, the sarcasm, the wit & humor, the laughs, the hugs, the wise advice and quiet, listening ear. You are my favorite people in the whole world, and THANK YOU for being your beautifully unique and insiring selves. Please know today, and every day, that you make a difference in my life.
The last 2 weeks have been cantankerous for me. LOTS has disturbed my peace. The last few days have seemed to allow room for some resolution (or smoothing over at the very least) of some of the larger irritants. I'm sure it had to do some with me swallowing my pride, :) but I also think I finally realized what was going on.
I have been doused with ice-cold opportunities to check my humility. & in pinpointing what the purpose might be in all these things, I then had the choice of what to do with them, instead of just being hurt or annoyed or frustrated or angry (or, um, all of the above all of the time.)
Granted, just because I had a choice of what to do with it, didn't make it easy to suck up my irritation and be the first to ask about the building tension with my boss, go a little bit (I'm still working on it) past my hurt and ask Heavenly Father to help me forgive my earthly father for things which I have been offended by, allow forgiveness of self when a painful realization dawned, and allow a bunch of other things to roll off my back rather than keep them attached and burdening me with weight, pain, grief, frustration, and irritation. Really, there is a huge temptation in wanting to carry that weight because we feel like it justifies something. Silly. But real. It's hard to let go of a really justified grudge.
But it's so worth it. & I really needed a reminder and a chance to let the letting-go, turning-it-over-to-God, and genuine forgiveness (it's still a work in progress), all become powerful, noted, recent, and specific parts of my life and heart again. It's been a REALLY long time since I felt this bombarded with so many unfairnesses. Like High-School-long-time-ago. So I really am grateful for the pride-check and for the chance to really re-evaluate my current battles and expression of self when I get vocal while peeved.
I have to say thank you to my friends and family who have TRULY been my cushion which has kept me from breaking. Thank you for letting me vent my head and heart out to each of you. Every day. I cannot say thanks enough. Thanks for the understanding, the sympathy, the empathy, the sarcasm, the wit & humor, the laughs, the hugs, the wise advice and quiet, listening ear. You are my favorite people in the whole world, and THANK YOU for being your beautifully unique and insiring selves. Please know today, and every day, that you make a difference in my life.
I love you!
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Prioritizing Toys
IPod (or equivalent)
Scanner/Printer
Digital Camera
Hiking Shoes
Hiking Backpack
4-5 different Christian Rock CD's
Tetris2 for the original NES
I've been considering buying these items for the last 2-12 months. Some recently, others for a long, long time. Really, though, my #1 priority is to get my car paid off (I'm close!!).
So each time I've gone to buy something lately, I've had to stop and reevaluate what is most important to me.
Today I picked up a CD with a song I love. I put it back and purchased what I went for - a birthday gift. Then I put a scanner/printer in my cart at Wal-Mart. And put it back. Then looked at digital cameras. And didn't buy one. Last night, I went online to buy new hiking shoes which won't tear my toes up when I hike the Grand Canyon in May. and there are Hiking Backpacks for 60-70% off right now. I didn't buy either thing. My roommate just bought a Zen (IPod-like toy) and it's incredibly enticing to get one of my own. I've been wanting Tetris2 so it's not just a 1-player game.
Walking out of Wal-Mart, I just shook my head, thinking "I've GOT to put priorities on my wish-list!!"
I forget how easy it can become to just decide to buy something NOW. I've got a credit card. I can pay it back later. It's no big deal.
*sigh* & then I realize that the things which bring me the greatest joy have always been things which cost little or no money. I also think back on my childhood, how we had to work and wait for the things we really wanted. & I'm incredibly appreciative for that lesson learned.
I think I have my list prioritized.
How would you rate them?
IPod (or equivalent)
Scanner/Printer
Digital Camera
Hiking Shoes
Hiking Backpack
4-5 different Christian Rock CD's
Tetris2 for the original NES
I've been considering buying these items for the last 2-12 months. Some recently, others for a long, long time. Really, though, my #1 priority is to get my car paid off (I'm close!!).
So each time I've gone to buy something lately, I've had to stop and reevaluate what is most important to me.
Today I picked up a CD with a song I love. I put it back and purchased what I went for - a birthday gift. Then I put a scanner/printer in my cart at Wal-Mart. And put it back. Then looked at digital cameras. And didn't buy one. Last night, I went online to buy new hiking shoes which won't tear my toes up when I hike the Grand Canyon in May. and there are Hiking Backpacks for 60-70% off right now. I didn't buy either thing. My roommate just bought a Zen (IPod-like toy) and it's incredibly enticing to get one of my own. I've been wanting Tetris2 so it's not just a 1-player game.
Walking out of Wal-Mart, I just shook my head, thinking "I've GOT to put priorities on my wish-list!!"
I forget how easy it can become to just decide to buy something NOW. I've got a credit card. I can pay it back later. It's no big deal.
*sigh* & then I realize that the things which bring me the greatest joy have always been things which cost little or no money. I also think back on my childhood, how we had to work and wait for the things we really wanted. & I'm incredibly appreciative for that lesson learned.
I think I have my list prioritized.
How would you rate them?
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Complacency vs. Peace
The question I blogged about 2 posts ago popped into my head during a lesson on the 2nd Coming of our Savior - specifically during the topic of what is preventing us from fully preparing to be clean, worthy, and ready, and what is preventing us from doing that today.
I got a whole epiphany of how much complacency clouds the desire to fight for real, true, lasting peace. In fact, I determined that complacency is nothing less than a great tool of Satan, and even the antithesis of peace.
Complacency is what undermines peace. It is what takes your focus off of it. It tricks you into feeling just enough calm, that you don't stop to evaluate whether you are peaceful or just complacent. Complacency will allow someone to sit and do nothing while the world falls down, walls go up, foundations break apart, or any other number of catastrophes. It is scarier than the shock of war, because it causes us to feel safety in devastation's path.
WAR moves us. Complacency lulls us. Peace strengthens us. Complacency dulls us.
Don't believe me? Anytime there's a war, people react! We move. We take stands. Think about the effects on us after 9/11. Think about where we are today. More importantly, think about where YOU are today. Are you peaceful about the world's issues? Do you have peace that all will, in fact, be well? Is it a peace born of your faith and world being shaken and then solidified? Or are you complacent? Dulled? Lulled by time? Do you still fear? And if you still fear, do you believe that fear & peace cannot co-exist? Do you believe that peace could replace the fear - to whatever extent YOU choose to allow it?
Think about people racked with chronic diseases. Some become bitter, angry, afraid, isolated, and almost painful to even think of. Others become so inspirational, thoughtful, selfless, strong, and peaceful, that when you are with them they cause you to forget the pain & struggles they feel everyday, and you instead feel honored to know and interact with them. Does peace strengthen? Absolutely. True peace always strengthens.
So my next big question is:
Are you complacent? Or peaceful?
Do you WANT to be complacent? It doesn't require anything from you other than that you sit & stay & do nothing. You can carry on, exactly as is. It requires nothing from you. No change. Nothing. You are already there, and you need to do nothing more.
Or do you want to have PEACE? The real, solid, lasting calm which comes from faith & trust & which will sustain you during the most difficult times of your life.
One requires nothing from you & can rob you of all that you take for granted.
The other requires your heart, your willingness, your trust, and your effort. Peace does not come without work. In fact, one can never be truly peaceful without exerting effort & sacrifice. Amazingly, though, that effort & sacrifice become part of a joy which, when peace is a foundation to, is the greatest joy imaginable. It is joy beyond joys.
And it is real.
Now, MY reality is this: I still fear. I am still working & struggling to gain greater peace in my heart & life in SO many areas. World War III & Armageddon, (really, though, how these will affect ME & MY life). My future. Whether or not I'll be able to be happily married again. The road I will have to walk to get there, if so. Disease & epidemics. Can I be a good enough daughter? A good enough sister? A good enough friend? A good enough mother when & if the time ever comes? They all still scare me.
But I have more peace than I have ever had in my life. I believe that life is a journey of many kinds. Most of which we never tangibly see. This is one of my great journeys now. Peace vs. Complacency. I know I cannot address every detailed issue where this fight is waging, but I am adding strength to the ones which I know are important right now.
And I will also say, with all conviction of my heart:
Do NOT settle for complacency! PEACE is the true gift. (& one worth fighting for!!)
The question I blogged about 2 posts ago popped into my head during a lesson on the 2nd Coming of our Savior - specifically during the topic of what is preventing us from fully preparing to be clean, worthy, and ready, and what is preventing us from doing that today.
I got a whole epiphany of how much complacency clouds the desire to fight for real, true, lasting peace. In fact, I determined that complacency is nothing less than a great tool of Satan, and even the antithesis of peace.
Complacency is what undermines peace. It is what takes your focus off of it. It tricks you into feeling just enough calm, that you don't stop to evaluate whether you are peaceful or just complacent. Complacency will allow someone to sit and do nothing while the world falls down, walls go up, foundations break apart, or any other number of catastrophes. It is scarier than the shock of war, because it causes us to feel safety in devastation's path.
It causes you to forget about peace.
We feel trusting enough to put ourselves in areas which would normally cause us to take precautions & make changes. When we are complacent, we don't even feel a need to evaluate whether precautions or changes need to be made. We take for granted that all is well and good, without stopping to question whether that is true at all.WAR moves us. Complacency lulls us. Peace strengthens us. Complacency dulls us.
Don't believe me? Anytime there's a war, people react! We move. We take stands. Think about the effects on us after 9/11. Think about where we are today. More importantly, think about where YOU are today. Are you peaceful about the world's issues? Do you have peace that all will, in fact, be well? Is it a peace born of your faith and world being shaken and then solidified? Or are you complacent? Dulled? Lulled by time? Do you still fear? And if you still fear, do you believe that fear & peace cannot co-exist? Do you believe that peace could replace the fear - to whatever extent YOU choose to allow it?
Think about people racked with chronic diseases. Some become bitter, angry, afraid, isolated, and almost painful to even think of. Others become so inspirational, thoughtful, selfless, strong, and peaceful, that when you are with them they cause you to forget the pain & struggles they feel everyday, and you instead feel honored to know and interact with them. Does peace strengthen? Absolutely. True peace always strengthens.
So my next big question is:
Are you complacent? Or peaceful?
Do you WANT to be complacent? It doesn't require anything from you other than that you sit & stay & do nothing. You can carry on, exactly as is. It requires nothing from you. No change. Nothing. You are already there, and you need to do nothing more.
Or do you want to have PEACE? The real, solid, lasting calm which comes from faith & trust & which will sustain you during the most difficult times of your life.
One requires nothing from you & can rob you of all that you take for granted.
The other requires your heart, your willingness, your trust, and your effort. Peace does not come without work. In fact, one can never be truly peaceful without exerting effort & sacrifice. Amazingly, though, that effort & sacrifice become part of a joy which, when peace is a foundation to, is the greatest joy imaginable. It is joy beyond joys.
And it is real.
Now, MY reality is this: I still fear. I am still working & struggling to gain greater peace in my heart & life in SO many areas. World War III & Armageddon, (really, though, how these will affect ME & MY life). My future. Whether or not I'll be able to be happily married again. The road I will have to walk to get there, if so. Disease & epidemics. Can I be a good enough daughter? A good enough sister? A good enough friend? A good enough mother when & if the time ever comes? They all still scare me.
But I have more peace than I have ever had in my life. I believe that life is a journey of many kinds. Most of which we never tangibly see. This is one of my great journeys now. Peace vs. Complacency. I know I cannot address every detailed issue where this fight is waging, but I am adding strength to the ones which I know are important right now.
And I will also say, with all conviction of my heart:
Do NOT settle for complacency! PEACE is the true gift. (& one worth fighting for!!)
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
definition (def u nish un) n.
At the end of my previous blog, I wrote this line about the social aspect of my singles' ward:
"It's that other part that's so ... so UGH."
In re-reading my whiny blog : ), I wondered what the definition of UGH might be. & today it's completely different than it would have been then. (Thank goodness!)
I was thinking a lot about how difficult the Sunday PM experience was, & the agitation I felt, and I made it a goal to make this single's ward my place of growth. It's my 'testing ground' so to speak. It's not my place of solace & comfort (I could & actually DO have that in a family ward, but that's not where I feel I need to be). So it's my trial. My test. But not in the normal definitions. It's my place to take new steps, try new things, test new approaches - use as a trial run & testing ground. Trial & Test being verbs, not nouns, and verbs which I am acting out.
Honestly, so far that's exactly what I've been doing - I just haven't given it that name or official perspective. In the last day & a half, I have just basically changed the definition of what my role is & what the role of the ward is. I didn't really have a lot of expectations from the ward, but I think I had really underestimated the demands of the social world which comes with singles' life. I love going to church & feeling the Spirit. But I had forgotten how difficult it is to be actively, consistently social with a group of unknown faces & personalities. I haven't had to exert this kind of social & emotional readiness for several years. Being married allowed me a lot of emotional & social luxuries. & now I'm having to go back out & do a bunch of hard labor. It will exhaust me, but as long as I stick with it, I will strengthen and find joy & gratitude in it and for it.
I now see it as difficult. But very worthwhile. I am not in it with the purpose of obtaining anything from others. I am in it to give to others and gain experience...test my social interaction skills. I have specific goals. Hehe. (I get excited about this now.)
It's a new challenge. I have the opportunity to be in a place where I am still being tested & tried & pushed & stretched, and I get to find out how I'll respond. If I choose to be angry, annoyed, and judgemental, then I am choosing to miss out on those specific blessings I just blogged about in Precipice. I get to experiment with my faith & trust. Are there going to be really awkward, eye-crossing, want-to-die-or-kill-someone times? yep. Bring on the world of the guinea pig.
& I make a prediction: This ward will become a place of great joy & expression for me. It will be a place I look forward to being, and I will miss the people when I leave & move to Oregon. hehe
But this is not a place I am consigned to. The only place I am consigned to is my own heart & mind. & I choose today to work on making that better, joyfullier, and more peaceful.
(& I know it's technically more joyful. But joyfullier made me smile. Bigly.)
So today's definition of UGH is:
ugh (ug) n. 1. a challenge requiring great mental and emotional exertion in order to endure and overcome; a mountain to be conquered; a fight to be won.
2. an opportunity offering tremendous potential for growth and strengthening. 3. a gift.
At the end of my previous blog, I wrote this line about the social aspect of my singles' ward:
"It's that other part that's so ... so UGH."
In re-reading my whiny blog : ), I wondered what the definition of UGH might be. & today it's completely different than it would have been then. (Thank goodness!)
I was thinking a lot about how difficult the Sunday PM experience was, & the agitation I felt, and I made it a goal to make this single's ward my place of growth. It's my 'testing ground' so to speak. It's not my place of solace & comfort (I could & actually DO have that in a family ward, but that's not where I feel I need to be). So it's my trial. My test. But not in the normal definitions. It's my place to take new steps, try new things, test new approaches - use as a trial run & testing ground. Trial & Test being verbs, not nouns, and verbs which I am acting out.
Honestly, so far that's exactly what I've been doing - I just haven't given it that name or official perspective. In the last day & a half, I have just basically changed the definition of what my role is & what the role of the ward is. I didn't really have a lot of expectations from the ward, but I think I had really underestimated the demands of the social world which comes with singles' life. I love going to church & feeling the Spirit. But I had forgotten how difficult it is to be actively, consistently social with a group of unknown faces & personalities. I haven't had to exert this kind of social & emotional readiness for several years. Being married allowed me a lot of emotional & social luxuries. & now I'm having to go back out & do a bunch of hard labor. It will exhaust me, but as long as I stick with it, I will strengthen and find joy & gratitude in it and for it.
I now see it as difficult. But very worthwhile. I am not in it with the purpose of obtaining anything from others. I am in it to give to others and gain experience...test my social interaction skills. I have specific goals. Hehe. (I get excited about this now.)
It's a new challenge. I have the opportunity to be in a place where I am still being tested & tried & pushed & stretched, and I get to find out how I'll respond. If I choose to be angry, annoyed, and judgemental, then I am choosing to miss out on those specific blessings I just blogged about in Precipice. I get to experiment with my faith & trust. Are there going to be really awkward, eye-crossing, want-to-die-or-kill-someone times? yep. Bring on the world of the guinea pig.
& I make a prediction: This ward will become a place of great joy & expression for me. It will be a place I look forward to being, and I will miss the people when I leave & move to Oregon. hehe
But this is not a place I am consigned to. The only place I am consigned to is my own heart & mind. & I choose today to work on making that better, joyfullier, and more peaceful.
(& I know it's technically more joyful. But joyfullier made me smile. Bigly.)
So today's definition of UGH is:
ugh (ug) n. 1. a challenge requiring great mental and emotional exertion in order to endure and overcome; a mountain to be conquered; a fight to be won.
2. an opportunity offering tremendous potential for growth and strengthening. 3. a gift.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Consigned
Okay. Seriously, for ANYONE who has had to endure the painful reality of singles' wards & the agonizing everything which has to be suffered through,
*sigh*
Singles' ward? Mental ward? Really, sometimes I feel like there is no difference.
It just is NOT fun - at all - to be thrust back into that cringe-causing buzz of 'oh-my-gosh-how-are-you-Eeeeee!!!'-ing & single guys & girls standing around with the overall expectation that somehow, the sexes will mingle and some will eventually fall in love and move on to marriage. & be OUT of the singles' ward. It's a common joke that a couple 'graduates' from the singles' ward when they get married & go to a family ward.
So I wonder - for those of us who have been married, or engaged, or in a serious relationship, are we now in remedial coursework? Special education for the relationship-inept? Did we deserve to get put here? & how is it that if we DIDN'T deserve to be here, that the stupid choices of others can still mandate that WE are sent back. & what about when a spouse or loved one dies? That's no one's fault. But someone still has to go back for remedial torture. There has GOT to be an easier way.
It honestly feels like this is a punishment course for people who haven't been able to succeed at finding or hanging onto the gift of marriage. There's still spirituality and definite reason to be at church - the church-aspect is still 100% there. It's the socialization that I find so aggravatingly annoying. & yes, it's both. aggravating & annoying.
& it's especially sucky to be 'new' in the ward.
"Oh, you're new, aren't you?" (yes) "Well, welcome." & they walk away.
It's all just rough to stand back & watch & even rougher to step in & be part of.
Even with all this, though, it's not really hitting on what I hate so much. In sitting here contemplating what the seed of agitation might be, I think it might be the fact that girls who seemingly 'have it together' much moreso than I do, are STILL SINGLE. & more maddening, they ARE NOT BEING PURSUED. Here they sit, still in a singles' ward, with their careers, their education, their polished looks, their homemaking skills, their kindness & spiritual strength obvious during conversation, AND HERE THEY SIT.
If THEY are not married, and are not being treated like the amazing, talented, and beautiful women they certainly are, then I wonder, How in the world is it possible to happen for me?
Now I also know this question stems from a personal inadequacy issue. I know that I have all I need to be loved and that I am, indeed, worthwhile & worth loving. Right now. Today. I don't need more schooling, I don't need a better-paying job, I don't need nicer clothes or a more stylish haircut. Right now.
But I DO feel a deep-rooted actual anger (& insecurity) because of the huge number of girls who are still unmarried and consigned to life in a singles' ward. & I recognize the lack of information I have concerning the guys, but they don't even seem 'matched' with the girls. & that just seems Unfair.
Now, on a positive note, I KNOW there can be great joy & fulfillment found in singles' wards. It has happened before. Granted, it was in a smaller community where there seemed to be a greater appreciation for each other & not an overall indifference. We were instant friends with others just because of common friends or common interests. It wasn't a painful interview or formal teeth-pulling situation. It was laid-back, easy-going, and even FUN. I wonder why it feels like there is so much WORK involved. & I wonder if it would be like this in every singles ward, if this ward is especially bad, or if it's just me. (but my roommate agrees that this activity tonight was painful...)
A couple of times, I have been at a singles' activity & caught myself thinking in the back of my head "...consigned to this awful state of misery." I laughed at the time. Now I want to vomit. It's real, not just a funny perspective. & it's my reality. Even more wanting to vomit.
third *sigh*
I AM grateful for the environment & opportunity for us SINGLE people to all congregate and spend time together worshipping. The worshipping part is actually extremely fulfilling.
It's that other part that's so ... so UGH.
Okay. Seriously, for ANYONE who has had to endure the painful reality of singles' wards & the agonizing everything which has to be suffered through,
You understand what I'm about to rant about.
*sigh*
Singles' ward? Mental ward? Really, sometimes I feel like there is no difference.
It just is NOT fun - at all - to be thrust back into that cringe-causing buzz of 'oh-my-gosh-how-are-you-Eeeeee!!!'-ing & single guys & girls standing around with the overall expectation that somehow, the sexes will mingle and some will eventually fall in love and move on to marriage. & be OUT of the singles' ward. It's a common joke that a couple 'graduates' from the singles' ward when they get married & go to a family ward.
So I wonder - for those of us who have been married, or engaged, or in a serious relationship, are we now in remedial coursework? Special education for the relationship-inept? Did we deserve to get put here? & how is it that if we DIDN'T deserve to be here, that the stupid choices of others can still mandate that WE are sent back. & what about when a spouse or loved one dies? That's no one's fault. But someone still has to go back for remedial torture. There has GOT to be an easier way.
It honestly feels like this is a punishment course for people who haven't been able to succeed at finding or hanging onto the gift of marriage. There's still spirituality and definite reason to be at church - the church-aspect is still 100% there. It's the socialization that I find so aggravatingly annoying. & yes, it's both. aggravating & annoying.
& it's especially sucky to be 'new' in the ward.
"Oh, you're new, aren't you?" (yes) "Well, welcome." & they walk away.
yep. good to meet you, too.
The movie 'Singles Ward'? There is waaay too much stuff there, even in the background, that is so wearingly dead-on about entering a new singles' ward. I honestly don't know which part of the socialization is the worst: the being judged & 'chosen' or 'not chosen' based on looks, the striking-up conversation topics, the awkward weirdness after an obvious this-conversation-is-dead feeling, the hoplesness of feeling like there's no one here you want to meet (which is incredibly unfair & even hypocritical based on the 'chosen' or 'not chosen' comment), the intimidation of a conversation including 'I'm about to graduate in (or I'm working as an...) XYZ' which is something I've never heard of & as my roommate said 'is definitely out of my pay range', the annoying shrieking-girl syndrome, the strange-hovering-guy creepiness, the lack of acceptance & forgiveness which is present in existing friendships where you can say or do something stupid and/or totally out of your character & not be branded by it... *sigh* gosh, I don't know which one to pick as my favorite, they're all so...ugh.It's all just rough to stand back & watch & even rougher to step in & be part of.
Even with all this, though, it's not really hitting on what I hate so much. In sitting here contemplating what the seed of agitation might be, I think it might be the fact that girls who seemingly 'have it together' much moreso than I do, are STILL SINGLE. & more maddening, they ARE NOT BEING PURSUED. Here they sit, still in a singles' ward, with their careers, their education, their polished looks, their homemaking skills, their kindness & spiritual strength obvious during conversation, AND HERE THEY SIT.
If THEY are not married, and are not being treated like the amazing, talented, and beautiful women they certainly are, then I wonder, How in the world is it possible to happen for me?
Now I also know this question stems from a personal inadequacy issue. I know that I have all I need to be loved and that I am, indeed, worthwhile & worth loving. Right now. Today. I don't need more schooling, I don't need a better-paying job, I don't need nicer clothes or a more stylish haircut. Right now.
But I DO feel a deep-rooted actual anger (& insecurity) because of the huge number of girls who are still unmarried and consigned to life in a singles' ward. & I recognize the lack of information I have concerning the guys, but they don't even seem 'matched' with the girls. & that just seems Unfair.
Now, on a positive note, I KNOW there can be great joy & fulfillment found in singles' wards. It has happened before. Granted, it was in a smaller community where there seemed to be a greater appreciation for each other & not an overall indifference. We were instant friends with others just because of common friends or common interests. It wasn't a painful interview or formal teeth-pulling situation. It was laid-back, easy-going, and even FUN. I wonder why it feels like there is so much WORK involved. & I wonder if it would be like this in every singles ward, if this ward is especially bad, or if it's just me. (but my roommate agrees that this activity tonight was painful...)
A couple of times, I have been at a singles' activity & caught myself thinking in the back of my head "...consigned to this awful state of misery." I laughed at the time. Now I want to vomit. It's real, not just a funny perspective. & it's my reality. Even more wanting to vomit.
third *sigh*
I AM grateful for the environment & opportunity for us SINGLE people to all congregate and spend time together worshipping. The worshipping part is actually extremely fulfilling.
It's that other part that's so ... so UGH.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Precipice
December 31st. A countdown to a new year's beginning. New goals and resolutions for the next 365 days. New calendars. New hopes.
I know we each have various new beginnings in our lives which have nothing to do with the date. I am so grateful to have had those in my own life this last year, however difficult they have been.
I know Thanksgiving has passed, but I would like to continue in the spirit of gratitude and acknowledge a few more things I am deeply grateful for.
Faith. & not just any faith, but the specific faith I have the priviledge of holding in my heart this very day & hour. I am not afraid of my future, even the difficult parts which no doubt will continue to come. I know that I am loved. That I am cared for. That I belong. & for all of you who know even the smallest portion of my life and the underlying struggles which have vexed this heart of mine for many years, I know you will understand the miracle of those 3 new truths I have gained.
Change. Were it not for change, there would be no growth. Stagnancy would be our past, present, and future. Change keeps us on our toes as I'm sure my grandmother would say. It keeps us in motion; alert, strong, and capable. & I am not only grateful for the uncontrollable changes which we must adapt and respond to, but I am grateful for the power we each have within ourselves to make a change. To change outside things, or change ourselves inwardly. I am grateful for the element and ability of change.
Trust. While I know there should be a deep trust issue resounding in my heart, I find it beautifully ironic that the reason I don't is because I, myself, am trustworthy. And also that I still genuinely exercise trust. I trust in a God who is so perfect, so loving, and so good, that there is no room to question whether the universe holds goodness and light ahead for each of us. It absolutely does.
Trials of Faith. This is really just an extension of Change. But there is something specific here which is different. First of all, anyone can go through change. But in order to go through a trial of faith, one must first possess Faith. Faith in anything. But faith must be present. And this trial is a priceless opportunity to strengthen your faith, which in itself is a priceless gift. An opportunity to deepen and increase value on something already dear and precious and priceless to us. The opportunities are unique. Rare. And should be properly respected. No two trials will give the same results. They will strengthen different areas, refine different characteristics, bring unique understandings, perspectives, beauties, and joys. But, like snowflakes, you will never find two which will be exactly the same, or yield the same specific gifts. They are bonus rounds with so much to be gained. And once you have the right perspective, understanding, and strategy, they can even be celebrated. Not for the pain, heartaches, and grief involved, but for sweet, sweet blessings which are yours to be had for the experiencing, which will never, ever leave your heart and foundational testimony. I love the way Paul in the New Testament states:
My strength is perfect in weakness. Most glady therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
A New Year.
I am so honored to be where I am today, and to have 2007 ahead of me, perfect in the beauty of it being whatever I choose to make of it for myself. I am honored to be a member of a family who loves me, deeper than I know. And to have friends and influences who become my extended family and who also love me more than I know.
And I am honored to have a heart which was born to love, and to feel.
Thank you to each of you who have been a part of my life and heart this last year. May the New Year bring great joys and blessings to each of your hearts and lives!
God bless you!! (every one!) : )
December 31st. A countdown to a new year's beginning. New goals and resolutions for the next 365 days. New calendars. New hopes.
A fresh start.
I know we each have various new beginnings in our lives which have nothing to do with the date. I am so grateful to have had those in my own life this last year, however difficult they have been.
I know Thanksgiving has passed, but I would like to continue in the spirit of gratitude and acknowledge a few more things I am deeply grateful for.
Faith. & not just any faith, but the specific faith I have the priviledge of holding in my heart this very day & hour. I am not afraid of my future, even the difficult parts which no doubt will continue to come. I know that I am loved. That I am cared for. That I belong. & for all of you who know even the smallest portion of my life and the underlying struggles which have vexed this heart of mine for many years, I know you will understand the miracle of those 3 new truths I have gained.
Change. Were it not for change, there would be no growth. Stagnancy would be our past, present, and future. Change keeps us on our toes as I'm sure my grandmother would say. It keeps us in motion; alert, strong, and capable. & I am not only grateful for the uncontrollable changes which we must adapt and respond to, but I am grateful for the power we each have within ourselves to make a change. To change outside things, or change ourselves inwardly. I am grateful for the element and ability of change.
Trust. While I know there should be a deep trust issue resounding in my heart, I find it beautifully ironic that the reason I don't is because I, myself, am trustworthy. And also that I still genuinely exercise trust. I trust in a God who is so perfect, so loving, and so good, that there is no room to question whether the universe holds goodness and light ahead for each of us. It absolutely does.
Trials of Faith. This is really just an extension of Change. But there is something specific here which is different. First of all, anyone can go through change. But in order to go through a trial of faith, one must first possess Faith. Faith in anything. But faith must be present. And this trial is a priceless opportunity to strengthen your faith, which in itself is a priceless gift. An opportunity to deepen and increase value on something already dear and precious and priceless to us. The opportunities are unique. Rare. And should be properly respected. No two trials will give the same results. They will strengthen different areas, refine different characteristics, bring unique understandings, perspectives, beauties, and joys. But, like snowflakes, you will never find two which will be exactly the same, or yield the same specific gifts. They are bonus rounds with so much to be gained. And once you have the right perspective, understanding, and strategy, they can even be celebrated. Not for the pain, heartaches, and grief involved, but for sweet, sweet blessings which are yours to be had for the experiencing, which will never, ever leave your heart and foundational testimony. I love the way Paul in the New Testament states:
My strength is perfect in weakness. Most glady therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
A New Year.
I am so honored to be where I am today, and to have 2007 ahead of me, perfect in the beauty of it being whatever I choose to make of it for myself. I am honored to be a member of a family who loves me, deeper than I know. And to have friends and influences who become my extended family and who also love me more than I know.
And I am honored to have a heart which was born to love, and to feel.
Thank you to each of you who have been a part of my life and heart this last year. May the New Year bring great joys and blessings to each of your hearts and lives!
God bless you!! (every one!) : )
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Over
The annulment is finalized. Name changes have been made for the most part. In-laws have been said goodbye to. New driver's license. New social security card. New name plate at work.
Emotionally it's been rough - I feel zoned out. a lot. Physically, my body is crashing after being on high-alert for so long, so I'm exhausted. a lot.
I've been given wise advice to actually avoid anyone who is going through or has gone through a similar issue (divorce/annulment/similar-type issues which have been involved) and this is to allow me to HEAL. Healthily. Not taking on someone else's issues & negative emotions when I am simply needing to heal from my own trauma. 6 months' time. No relationships. Just healing. Dating is fine. Relationships not allowed.
Before I received the advice, I didn't really know where I stood on all these decisions. They were 'there'. But once they were suggested, I immediately recognized the wisdom in them. While a part of me will be drawn (& will draw) those in similar circumstances, that is not where I need to be & what I need to be doing right now. I need to learn how to accomodate healing & allow myself the chance to heal fully. Kindly. Securely. Safely.
No roller-coasters of emotions & circumstance. No room for re-heartbreak & pain. Just a place where I am dedicated to those things which give me peace, joy, and fulfillment. 6 months. Not a time to waver & make exceptions to the rule. Not a time to experiment & see if it really works or not. But a time to have ultimate trust in my God, myself, and those who have much more expertise in this area than I do. & in starting this journey of healing, I will then be able to not only heal as a stronger, brighter, better person, but I can also help others to know how to heal.
Exciting, I must say.
I gain great joy & peace & hope in the knowledge that my heart will be somewhere safe & secure & protected. NO-FEAR-type feeling. & knowing that after those 6 months are finished, I will have gained additional great strength & promise for the future. With no additional relationship scars, wounds, or bruises to hinder my emotional well-being.
Knowing is the first part, believing is the second, doing is the third, and enduring is the fourth. All good things!!
The annulment is finalized. Name changes have been made for the most part. In-laws have been said goodbye to. New driver's license. New social security card. New name plate at work.
Emotionally it's been rough - I feel zoned out. a lot. Physically, my body is crashing after being on high-alert for so long, so I'm exhausted. a lot.
I've been given wise advice to actually avoid anyone who is going through or has gone through a similar issue (divorce/annulment/similar-type issues which have been involved) and this is to allow me to HEAL. Healthily. Not taking on someone else's issues & negative emotions when I am simply needing to heal from my own trauma. 6 months' time. No relationships. Just healing. Dating is fine. Relationships not allowed.
Before I received the advice, I didn't really know where I stood on all these decisions. They were 'there'. But once they were suggested, I immediately recognized the wisdom in them. While a part of me will be drawn (& will draw) those in similar circumstances, that is not where I need to be & what I need to be doing right now. I need to learn how to accomodate healing & allow myself the chance to heal fully. Kindly. Securely. Safely.
No roller-coasters of emotions & circumstance. No room for re-heartbreak & pain. Just a place where I am dedicated to those things which give me peace, joy, and fulfillment. 6 months. Not a time to waver & make exceptions to the rule. Not a time to experiment & see if it really works or not. But a time to have ultimate trust in my God, myself, and those who have much more expertise in this area than I do. & in starting this journey of healing, I will then be able to not only heal as a stronger, brighter, better person, but I can also help others to know how to heal.
Exciting, I must say.
I gain great joy & peace & hope in the knowledge that my heart will be somewhere safe & secure & protected. NO-FEAR-type feeling. & knowing that after those 6 months are finished, I will have gained additional great strength & promise for the future. With no additional relationship scars, wounds, or bruises to hinder my emotional well-being.
Knowing is the first part, believing is the second, doing is the third, and enduring is the fourth. All good things!!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
24
My countdown started this afternoon of my 24 hours 'til my court hearing begins & I will be officially single again. & re-maiden-named. & wedding-ring-less on my finger. and un-Mrs-ed. and have to use the term 'ex' or 'previous' when talking about my husband. & work on stopping talking about my ex/previous husband. & changing my last name, everywhere.
I've been so freakishly exhausted mentally lately, that I feel like I don't even address the stuff that's going through my head. Auto-pilot is my salvation.
What I do know, though, is that I am looking forward to going back to the temple when it reopens. I'm looking forward to being with my sister & her family, and having someone wonderful to accompany me through the drudgery of getting a new SS card & driver's license. I'm looking forward to reading scriptures tonight & getting swallowed in the stories & lessons therein. I'm looking forward to praying to my Heavenly Father. I'm looking forward to resting. I'm looking forward to moving further forward & moving on. I'm looking forward to being able to look back & feel peace for the way I handled things. I'm looking forward to discovering what is in store for me in my future. & I'm looking forward to hope being in my heart & life even more than it is now.
My countdown started this afternoon of my 24 hours 'til my court hearing begins & I will be officially single again. & re-maiden-named. & wedding-ring-less on my finger. and un-Mrs-ed. and have to use the term 'ex' or 'previous' when talking about my husband. & work on stopping talking about my ex/previous husband. & changing my last name, everywhere.
I've been so freakishly exhausted mentally lately, that I feel like I don't even address the stuff that's going through my head. Auto-pilot is my salvation.
What I do know, though, is that I am looking forward to going back to the temple when it reopens. I'm looking forward to being with my sister & her family, and having someone wonderful to accompany me through the drudgery of getting a new SS card & driver's license. I'm looking forward to reading scriptures tonight & getting swallowed in the stories & lessons therein. I'm looking forward to praying to my Heavenly Father. I'm looking forward to resting. I'm looking forward to moving further forward & moving on. I'm looking forward to being able to look back & feel peace for the way I handled things. I'm looking forward to discovering what is in store for me in my future. & I'm looking forward to hope being in my heart & life even more than it is now.
Monday, November 27, 2006
So I'm giving myself a 'free-write' as they were called in high school. No topic, no 'rules' to follow - just the specific task of writing for 10 minutes. I kinda miss these.
I had a rough day today. Emotionally spent, physically crappy, mentally all over the place. I didn't feel like myself very much at all. My heart was weepy, and my head was physically hurting and I struggled staying focused & not constantly thinking about my court hearing in two days. Worrying. Getting frustrated cuz I was worrying about something that will be resolved and which worrying won't help. Sighing cuz I realized I didn't need to beat myself up over worrying - it's normal. Trying to focus on the current task at hand. Getting annoyed that my muscles all hurt. Getting tired & worn out. Then being weepy again. and frustrated. and sigh-y.
I have visited my husband's dad & stepmom, and grandparents over the weekend. Kinda tough to do, but I'm so glad I did. I stopped by his mom's house tonight to say goodbye, but she wasn't home, and I searched another 5 stores looking for a specific type of black jacket (denim has been outlawed at my work, so the hunt is on for a new jacket).
On my way home, I called a friend from my previous job who I've been meaning to get in touch with & let her know about the updated situation of me. We laughed - she shared stories about immense drama which has been going on the lives of her close friends & loved ones. We shared "that sucks" & "I'm so sorries" and then we laughed. I'm convinced that there should always be a hilariously riotous moment in everyone's life as a consolation to any huge stress, tradgedy, calamity, or sorrow. Really.
I had a rough day today. Emotionally spent, physically crappy, mentally all over the place. I didn't feel like myself very much at all. My heart was weepy, and my head was physically hurting and I struggled staying focused & not constantly thinking about my court hearing in two days. Worrying. Getting frustrated cuz I was worrying about something that will be resolved and which worrying won't help. Sighing cuz I realized I didn't need to beat myself up over worrying - it's normal. Trying to focus on the current task at hand. Getting annoyed that my muscles all hurt. Getting tired & worn out. Then being weepy again. and frustrated. and sigh-y.
I have visited my husband's dad & stepmom, and grandparents over the weekend. Kinda tough to do, but I'm so glad I did. I stopped by his mom's house tonight to say goodbye, but she wasn't home, and I searched another 5 stores looking for a specific type of black jacket (denim has been outlawed at my work, so the hunt is on for a new jacket).
On my way home, I called a friend from my previous job who I've been meaning to get in touch with & let her know about the updated situation of me. We laughed - she shared stories about immense drama which has been going on the lives of her close friends & loved ones. We shared "that sucks" & "I'm so sorries" and then we laughed. I'm convinced that there should always be a hilariously riotous moment in everyone's life as a consolation to any huge stress, tradgedy, calamity, or sorrow. Really.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Thankful
I asked my home teachers for a priesthood blessing last week to help me through the upcoming weeks (annulment & its aftermath). --Especially cuz the temple is closed for its yearly cleaning for the next 3 weeks. I have gained a huge amount of strength, peace, and comfort by attending, and am so grateful for the chance to live so close and attend as often as I want.
Today in the mail I got a card from my home teacher thanking me for giving him the chance to use the priesthood & letting me know that he sensed the Lord has been by my side through the whole ordeal. He also said that he will be sending me a chapter in a book which I may find comforting.
I'm bah-wling. For many reasons, but most of all for the gratitude I have toward a worthy priesthood holder who went the extra mile to send a card which has additionally blessed my heart, and is going another mile sending something more which can offer further comfort and learning. I don't know which book or what the chapter will be on, but to me, this is something a father might do for his daughter who was going through a difficult time.
& that's something I've never had the honor of experiencing.
Anyway, to any fathers &/or priesthood holders who might read this, never underestimate the power of acting in the Lord's name and going the extra mile to share the Lord's love. It is one of the greatest gifts a person can receive.
& now on to my gratitude list.
Things I am Thankful for:
Honesty
Friendship
Love
Kindness
Kindness
Kindness
Acceptance
A listening, sympathetic ear rather than unsolicited advice.
A job
A place to live
A car to drive
pets
nieces (K, E, B)
nephews (S, J, N, J, T, S)
brothers (H, P)
sisters (K, K)
aunts & uncles (B&C)
mom
dad
the opportunity to have been a wife
the opportunity to love someone with all my heart & know they won't walk away tomorrow
the opportunity to grow
My Savior
My Heavenly Father
scriptures
wisdom
authors
their books
self-help sections
the ability to learn
the Temple
peace
comfort
rain
cloudy days
thunder
lightning
ponds
lakes
rivers
waterfalls
Hawaii
snow ice cream
Turkey stuffing
good health
computers
internet
blog-world
good pillows
a good mattress
my teddy bear (who turned 20 years old this year)
"Keep your faith and above all be you!"
miracles
a living, modern-day Prophet
his words
Les Miserables
Air Supply
Metallica
Enya
sand between my toes
the beach
hot water heaters
light
electricity
trees
job postings
co-workers who become some of your dearest friends
'dearest friends' being further defined as forever
city of mesa - where I have meant most of my dearest friends
eastern arizona college - where I met the others
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints - where I learned about my Father in Heaven, my Savior, His Atonement for me, and the purpose of this life.
the concept & reality of family - ohana
toothy grins
solid hugs
gratitude tears
laughing
hope
tomorrow
today
yesterday
grass green
sunshine yellow
Grandma Olivia
lineage
heritage
posterity
ancestors
annulments
marriages
covenants
handsfree for cellphones
disney cartoons
the restored power of God on earth
Home Teachers
Visiting Teaching
cotton
quilts
tampons
sunglasses
cartwheels
swimming pools
Arizona
education
America
those who fight for their countries
language
striving
finding joy & contentment in each day
a day to celebrate all that we are grateful for - HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
I asked my home teachers for a priesthood blessing last week to help me through the upcoming weeks (annulment & its aftermath). --Especially cuz the temple is closed for its yearly cleaning for the next 3 weeks. I have gained a huge amount of strength, peace, and comfort by attending, and am so grateful for the chance to live so close and attend as often as I want.
Today in the mail I got a card from my home teacher thanking me for giving him the chance to use the priesthood & letting me know that he sensed the Lord has been by my side through the whole ordeal. He also said that he will be sending me a chapter in a book which I may find comforting.
I'm bah-wling. For many reasons, but most of all for the gratitude I have toward a worthy priesthood holder who went the extra mile to send a card which has additionally blessed my heart, and is going another mile sending something more which can offer further comfort and learning. I don't know which book or what the chapter will be on, but to me, this is something a father might do for his daughter who was going through a difficult time.
& that's something I've never had the honor of experiencing.
It means
A LOT
to this heart & girl.
More than words can express.Anyway, to any fathers &/or priesthood holders who might read this, never underestimate the power of acting in the Lord's name and going the extra mile to share the Lord's love. It is one of the greatest gifts a person can receive.
& now on to my gratitude list.
Things I am Thankful for:
Honesty
Friendship
Love
Kindness
Kindness
Kindness
Acceptance
A listening, sympathetic ear rather than unsolicited advice.
A job
A place to live
A car to drive
pets
nieces (K, E, B)
nephews (S, J, N, J, T, S)
brothers (H, P)
sisters (K, K)
aunts & uncles (B&C)
mom
dad
the opportunity to have been a wife
the opportunity to love someone with all my heart & know they won't walk away tomorrow
the opportunity to grow
My Savior
My Heavenly Father
scriptures
wisdom
authors
their books
self-help sections
the ability to learn
the Temple
peace
comfort
rain
cloudy days
thunder
lightning
ponds
lakes
rivers
waterfalls
Hawaii
snow ice cream
Turkey stuffing
good health
computers
internet
blog-world
good pillows
a good mattress
my teddy bear (who turned 20 years old this year)
"Keep your faith and above all be you!"
miracles
a living, modern-day Prophet
his words
Les Miserables
Air Supply
Metallica
Enya
sand between my toes
the beach
hot water heaters
light
electricity
trees
job postings
co-workers who become some of your dearest friends
'dearest friends' being further defined as forever
city of mesa - where I have meant most of my dearest friends
eastern arizona college - where I met the others
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints - where I learned about my Father in Heaven, my Savior, His Atonement for me, and the purpose of this life.
the concept & reality of family - ohana
toothy grins
solid hugs
gratitude tears
laughing
hope
tomorrow
today
yesterday
grass green
sunshine yellow
Grandma Olivia
lineage
heritage
posterity
ancestors
annulments
marriages
covenants
handsfree for cellphones
disney cartoons
the restored power of God on earth
Home Teachers
Visiting Teaching
cotton
quilts
tampons
sunglasses
cartwheels
swimming pools
Arizona
education
America
those who fight for their countries
language
striving
finding joy & contentment in each day
a day to celebrate all that we are grateful for - HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Loved
My mom sent a package today with some Christmas projects to work on (YAY!) & tucked away in the middle of the items, was a small frame with the words "You are Loved" inside.
What a beautiful thing to be reminded of. I thank all of you who have brightened my days (and especially today) with your kind words, your unexpected and greatly appreciated compliments, your smiles, your laughter, your presence, your friendship, yourSELF, and who have given me your love and allowed me to know more fully, that I am Loved. I thank you, and offer right back at ya:
My mom sent a package today with some Christmas projects to work on (YAY!) & tucked away in the middle of the items, was a small frame with the words "You are Loved" inside.
What a beautiful thing to be reminded of. I thank all of you who have brightened my days (and especially today) with your kind words, your unexpected and greatly appreciated compliments, your smiles, your laughter, your presence, your friendship, yourSELF, and who have given me your love and allowed me to know more fully, that I am Loved. I thank you, and offer right back at ya:
YOU ARE LOVED!!
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Tribute to a Song
These are words from a song I heard on the radio about 4 months ago:
"I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen",
And it's still raining."
Have you ever felt this way?
When I first heard the song, it struck a chord within my heart. Prior to falling in love with my husband & being married to him, I had been on my own - I moved from my hometown at 18 & was in the school and/or working world for 9 long years. 8 years of which my [family support] lived at least 80 miles away, or in another state. I grew up feeling rather isolated in many respects, and spent most of those 9 "alone" years feeling like I was floating on a raft which I had made as stable and comfortable as possible, but which was still needing an anchor or dock...somewhere to stay and belong.
Throw in a fair share of good friends moving away (& on with their lives), other friendships gone awry, relationships ending painfully but rightly, and several years of depression, and I was exhausted with being single and being alone. I suffered through serious self-esteem issues, an abusive relationship, and a myriad of lonely tear-filled nights petitioning Heavenly Father to help me find just one healthy friend I could share part of my life with. I wanted to move on. In fact, I just plain wanted to move! I was struggling with my heart being way too small for this big city, and yet feeling with certainty in my prayers that I needed to remain here.
So when I heard the lyrics about saying Amen & it still raining, I felt a quiet appreciation and understanding of how that has existed in my life. Not in a negative way at all, but in a simple "Hey - I've felt that!" acknowledgement of a difficult experience. I also happen to LOVE the rain, and felt an additional peace & joy in the analogy. I cannot count the times that I said "Amen", opened my eyes & realized the storm of my life was still raging. I would then get up from my knees, hope with all my heart that the weather would change tomorrow, or this week, or this weekend, and the time would pass & it would still be storming. Again, and again, after each Amen.
The song goes on to say beautifully:
"I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"
I heard the song once. Kept listening for it. Didn't hear it again until the 2nd week after marriage-world turned upside down. & I then heard it 4 or 5 times within the next 2 weeks. Then I bought the CD & I now listen to it whenever I want. : )
(Artist: Counting Crowns; Album: Lifesong)
The biggest difference this time around for my storm-endurance test is that I have learned to cope while in the storm. The storm does not need to change in order for me to find peace. The storm does not have to end in order for relief to come. I discovered that the answer is inside, not outside. And God is always here with me, inside & outside, if I choose to be worthy & accepting of Him & His blessings.
I am reminded of the quote:
"Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes God lets the storm rage and calms His child."
I have been blessed in my life through lyrics of songs. I have learned this is a way in which my heart & life can be altered in a quiet, tender way. & I am doing my best to live up to the chorus of this song & to praise God through my storm and acknowledge the numerous blessings He gives to me each day. I'm finding that as I do it, I'm actually feeling appreciation & joy again. Small victories in the midst of the torrential downpours of added sorrows, sadnesses, and pains, but still victories.
And I indeed thank my Heavenly Father and acknowledge his perfect, loving hand and heart in all things, especially in my life and current storm.
He is amazing!!
These are words from a song I heard on the radio about 4 months ago:
"I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen",
And it's still raining."
Have you ever felt this way?
When I first heard the song, it struck a chord within my heart. Prior to falling in love with my husband & being married to him, I had been on my own - I moved from my hometown at 18 & was in the school and/or working world for 9 long years. 8 years of which my [family support] lived at least 80 miles away, or in another state. I grew up feeling rather isolated in many respects, and spent most of those 9 "alone" years feeling like I was floating on a raft which I had made as stable and comfortable as possible, but which was still needing an anchor or dock...somewhere to stay and belong.
Throw in a fair share of good friends moving away (& on with their lives), other friendships gone awry, relationships ending painfully but rightly, and several years of depression, and I was exhausted with being single and being alone. I suffered through serious self-esteem issues, an abusive relationship, and a myriad of lonely tear-filled nights petitioning Heavenly Father to help me find just one healthy friend I could share part of my life with. I wanted to move on. In fact, I just plain wanted to move! I was struggling with my heart being way too small for this big city, and yet feeling with certainty in my prayers that I needed to remain here.
So when I heard the lyrics about saying Amen & it still raining, I felt a quiet appreciation and understanding of how that has existed in my life. Not in a negative way at all, but in a simple "Hey - I've felt that!" acknowledgement of a difficult experience. I also happen to LOVE the rain, and felt an additional peace & joy in the analogy. I cannot count the times that I said "Amen", opened my eyes & realized the storm of my life was still raging. I would then get up from my knees, hope with all my heart that the weather would change tomorrow, or this week, or this weekend, and the time would pass & it would still be storming. Again, and again, after each Amen.
The song goes on to say beautifully:
"I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"
I heard the song once. Kept listening for it. Didn't hear it again until the 2nd week after marriage-world turned upside down. & I then heard it 4 or 5 times within the next 2 weeks. Then I bought the CD & I now listen to it whenever I want. : )
(Artist: Counting Crowns; Album: Lifesong)
The biggest difference this time around for my storm-endurance test is that I have learned to cope while in the storm. The storm does not need to change in order for me to find peace. The storm does not have to end in order for relief to come. I discovered that the answer is inside, not outside. And God is always here with me, inside & outside, if I choose to be worthy & accepting of Him & His blessings.
I am reminded of the quote:
"Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes God lets the storm rage and calms His child."
I have been blessed in my life through lyrics of songs. I have learned this is a way in which my heart & life can be altered in a quiet, tender way. & I am doing my best to live up to the chorus of this song & to praise God through my storm and acknowledge the numerous blessings He gives to me each day. I'm finding that as I do it, I'm actually feeling appreciation & joy again. Small victories in the midst of the torrential downpours of added sorrows, sadnesses, and pains, but still victories.
And I indeed thank my Heavenly Father and acknowledge his perfect, loving hand and heart in all things, especially in my life and current storm.
He is amazing!!
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Success
So I had a realization tonight (a few actually), but let me rewind just a bit.
Overall, I am still doing remarkably well. I owe that to Heavenly Father and my loved ones who are reaching me through long-distance faith and love (2 things which do not have to abide by the laws & physics of this world - yay!) and to my friends nearby who are extending their ears, arms, shoulders, hearts, and lives. I also know that another huge ingredient for the 'doing remarkably well' result is my part in this whole thing. My simple faith & obedience which I'm choosing to exercise. & while they are simple in their nature, there is great passion and emotion driving both of them right now. My testimony of obedience feels like it has increased exponentially. Be Obedient! In any way, shape, or form (even purposefully driving the speed limit just to be obedient, or giving up a favorite hobby with Babylonian influences - mine was a stupid-but-addictive TV show) - there is healing & peace & strength given through simple but willful obedience. (Test it!) It rocks.
Ok. Tangeant #1 is finished.
My realization tonight was that (well crap, I forgot). Oya, it was:
I have been successful.
I've had the opportunity to test out on a handful of people the condensed version of 'what happened' between my spouse & I. & the responses I've gotten have been really mixed. Some have been extremely supportive and gentle, others extremely hurtful and abrupt. Mostly supportive, but still many which fill in the missing blanks with their guesses & assumptions, & offer suggestions on how I can improve. (& I have a pride issue there, cuz the first thing I usually think is "Hey - I'm doing better than I ever knew I could. Don't offer suggestions which I interpret as saying I'm not doing well enough. I'm doing my best already!" Pride, I know. But I'm also learning to give myself credit where it is actually deserved. Big thing for me. And I'm working on addressing the heart of the pride issue - it's still very much a work in progress.)
Tonight, I realized: I was successful. I didn't fail. I did exactly what I would have wanted myself to have done in this test. I had faith in someone who showed every sign of putting the pieces of their life back together and being humble and righteous. I followed the spirit. (For those who have questioned -& will question- the wisdom of the choice I made to marry my spouse & additionally tack on the advice that hindsight is always clearer than foresight, again I say: I followed the spirit. Marrying my spouse was the right thing for me to do.)
I learned about daily communication and kindnesses on a deeper level than I had ever had a chance to. I learned about heart-filled laughter in the midst of deepening trials and pressures. I learned about comprimising & sacrificing & working together, and doing them all willingly and with an eye on the future and the goals we were working on. (Heaven or bust!) I learned about being independently dependent and moving past disappointments. I fought for & believed in my spouse with every ounce of my heart and soul, and did it willingly and lovingly. He was my priority. Our future was my priority. Being right with God was my priority.
And I was successful.
This truly is a situation where I couldn't have done anything to prevent this 'ending' to our story. There is nothing I could have done differently to fix the problem or change the course of events. I was oblivious to all of the additional issues of my spouse, and not because I was choosing to ignore them, not because I wasn't asking the right questions, not because I wasn't following the spirit, or because I was totally naive. --My spouse was just really that good at hiding his sins until he was caught in his lies.
And when I began learning about the hidden sins of my spouse, I took time to communicate, reflect, and create a game plan for getting through it successfully - for both of us. When it was discovered that there were still lies present, even in my spouse's ability to tell me whether he was hiding anything else, I realized I had to make a decision. I took the decision to the Lord. I attended the temple. I conversed with my dear sister. I created some space to make a decision with less of the emotional clouding, and I moved forward once I got the answer. No moving backward, no lollygagging, no back & forth. I ripped the band-aid off will full force. In shock and even denial at times, I had to remind myself this was real, but I still moved forward. Centimeters and inches in the beginning emotionally, but it was still forward.
Sad. Sad, sad situation. I am also having to learn at this point to stop protecting and defending my spouse. (Tonight is my first night of being consciously active in changing this). He has actions to be accountable and responsible for. And while the details are not for sharing, the factual basis is. & that's another hard thing for me to work on.
Oddly enough, I haven't had a trial of unanswered questions for Heavenly Father about why this happened to me . . . or why the Spirit didn't give me a heads up. It has always just felt like it's all okay. It happened the way it was meant to. There is no why, there is only the great blessings to be gained through deepening faith and trust in God and obedience to his commandments. I am learning lessons which I couldn't have learned any other way, and it is God's plan. It really is that simple.
Now don't get me wrong. I still get VERY lonely. I still cry tears from the deepest area of my very bruised heart. I still struggle to feel strong and capable and confident. I still battle with insecurities and have plenty of uncertainties about being accepted and loved and good enough. This is my life and these are battles I have fought every year of my life since middle school. (As have most of us.)
For whatever reason, though, Heavenly Father has allowed me the gift of having no doubts or wavering questions about why this happened. I honestly, with all my heart, feel like it is exactly the path I was supposed to have taken to be where I am today. . . and to prepare for my tomorrows. In so many ways, I am at the best place I have ever been. My focus and dedication in the gospel have never been so pointed and driven. I know where I stand, I know better than ever who I am, and where I am going. For that, I have to say that this is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. It is supremely difficult, but it is forcing me to give more than I've ever given, and to be something more than I was yesterday.
One of my good friends told me (with very little emotion) "Well, there are sadder stories." when I explained about my situation. I have thought of that over & over, and remembered that this is a HUGE loss, but it could be worse, and I need to get past any self-pity that tries to park on my heart's doorstep. Grieve and ache and cry, but don't let those things be the end. Dedicate yourself to something big. Give of your heart and time and soul. Ponder, reflect, and be worthy and humble.
And to add a bunch of additional blessings, Be Obedient!!
You never know where it will get you. : )
So I had a realization tonight (a few actually), but let me rewind just a bit.
Overall, I am still doing remarkably well. I owe that to Heavenly Father and my loved ones who are reaching me through long-distance faith and love (2 things which do not have to abide by the laws & physics of this world - yay!) and to my friends nearby who are extending their ears, arms, shoulders, hearts, and lives. I also know that another huge ingredient for the 'doing remarkably well' result is my part in this whole thing. My simple faith & obedience which I'm choosing to exercise. & while they are simple in their nature, there is great passion and emotion driving both of them right now. My testimony of obedience feels like it has increased exponentially. Be Obedient! In any way, shape, or form (even purposefully driving the speed limit just to be obedient, or giving up a favorite hobby with Babylonian influences - mine was a stupid-but-addictive TV show) - there is healing & peace & strength given through simple but willful obedience. (Test it!) It rocks.
Ok. Tangeant #1 is finished.
My realization tonight was that (well crap, I forgot). Oya, it was:
I have been successful.
I've had the opportunity to test out on a handful of people the condensed version of 'what happened' between my spouse & I. & the responses I've gotten have been really mixed. Some have been extremely supportive and gentle, others extremely hurtful and abrupt. Mostly supportive, but still many which fill in the missing blanks with their guesses & assumptions, & offer suggestions on how I can improve. (& I have a pride issue there, cuz the first thing I usually think is "Hey - I'm doing better than I ever knew I could. Don't offer suggestions which I interpret as saying I'm not doing well enough. I'm doing my best already!" Pride, I know. But I'm also learning to give myself credit where it is actually deserved. Big thing for me. And I'm working on addressing the heart of the pride issue - it's still very much a work in progress.)
Tonight, I realized: I was successful. I didn't fail. I did exactly what I would have wanted myself to have done in this test. I had faith in someone who showed every sign of putting the pieces of their life back together and being humble and righteous. I followed the spirit. (For those who have questioned -& will question- the wisdom of the choice I made to marry my spouse & additionally tack on the advice that hindsight is always clearer than foresight, again I say: I followed the spirit. Marrying my spouse was the right thing for me to do.)
I learned about daily communication and kindnesses on a deeper level than I had ever had a chance to. I learned about heart-filled laughter in the midst of deepening trials and pressures. I learned about comprimising & sacrificing & working together, and doing them all willingly and with an eye on the future and the goals we were working on. (Heaven or bust!) I learned about being independently dependent and moving past disappointments. I fought for & believed in my spouse with every ounce of my heart and soul, and did it willingly and lovingly. He was my priority. Our future was my priority. Being right with God was my priority.
And I was successful.
This truly is a situation where I couldn't have done anything to prevent this 'ending' to our story. There is nothing I could have done differently to fix the problem or change the course of events. I was oblivious to all of the additional issues of my spouse, and not because I was choosing to ignore them, not because I wasn't asking the right questions, not because I wasn't following the spirit, or because I was totally naive. --My spouse was just really that good at hiding his sins until he was caught in his lies.
And when I began learning about the hidden sins of my spouse, I took time to communicate, reflect, and create a game plan for getting through it successfully - for both of us. When it was discovered that there were still lies present, even in my spouse's ability to tell me whether he was hiding anything else, I realized I had to make a decision. I took the decision to the Lord. I attended the temple. I conversed with my dear sister. I created some space to make a decision with less of the emotional clouding, and I moved forward once I got the answer. No moving backward, no lollygagging, no back & forth. I ripped the band-aid off will full force. In shock and even denial at times, I had to remind myself this was real, but I still moved forward. Centimeters and inches in the beginning emotionally, but it was still forward.
Sad. Sad, sad situation. I am also having to learn at this point to stop protecting and defending my spouse. (Tonight is my first night of being consciously active in changing this). He has actions to be accountable and responsible for. And while the details are not for sharing, the factual basis is. & that's another hard thing for me to work on.
Oddly enough, I haven't had a trial of unanswered questions for Heavenly Father about why this happened to me . . . or why the Spirit didn't give me a heads up. It has always just felt like it's all okay. It happened the way it was meant to. There is no why, there is only the great blessings to be gained through deepening faith and trust in God and obedience to his commandments. I am learning lessons which I couldn't have learned any other way, and it is God's plan. It really is that simple.
Now don't get me wrong. I still get VERY lonely. I still cry tears from the deepest area of my very bruised heart. I still struggle to feel strong and capable and confident. I still battle with insecurities and have plenty of uncertainties about being accepted and loved and good enough. This is my life and these are battles I have fought every year of my life since middle school. (As have most of us.)
For whatever reason, though, Heavenly Father has allowed me the gift of having no doubts or wavering questions about why this happened. I honestly, with all my heart, feel like it is exactly the path I was supposed to have taken to be where I am today. . . and to prepare for my tomorrows. In so many ways, I am at the best place I have ever been. My focus and dedication in the gospel have never been so pointed and driven. I know where I stand, I know better than ever who I am, and where I am going. For that, I have to say that this is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. It is supremely difficult, but it is forcing me to give more than I've ever given, and to be something more than I was yesterday.
One of my good friends told me (with very little emotion) "Well, there are sadder stories." when I explained about my situation. I have thought of that over & over, and remembered that this is a HUGE loss, but it could be worse, and I need to get past any self-pity that tries to park on my heart's doorstep. Grieve and ache and cry, but don't let those things be the end. Dedicate yourself to something big. Give of your heart and time and soul. Ponder, reflect, and be worthy and humble.
And to add a bunch of additional blessings, Be Obedient!!
You never know where it will get you. : )
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Irony . . . filled with Wisdom
I find it a strange irony that today, Conference Sunday, which has been so fulfilling, uplifting, and reassuring . . . today is the day that I feel that I am beginning to bear the weight of my newfound world more on my own. I am beginning to be weaned from the Spirit's merciful strength and sustaining power, & am being allowed to begin carrying more, bit by bit, on my own shoulders and faith. It has to happen, I need to grow and stretch and become. Something different. Something stronger. Something more reliant on the Lord. With faith rather than just the comforting hand of the Lord.
That whole faith thing usually requires more of us than we want to give.
It's going to be really, really hard.
I sorrow (so deeply) for so many things which are now forever lost and other many things which I am beginning to dread. (I know...dread, fear...they're the antithesis of faith.) Tonight I began to feel (much moreso than before) the loss of my best friend. I wanted so much to call and talk to the best friend I had for 3 years. I wanted that person to still be with me.
Loss is hard.
I just don't want to be here. Ever felt like that? Ok - duh. Everyone has. EVERYone. *sigh*
There's a quote...about the pains you endure granting your heart a special place which allows others to come in & be healed. Thank you all again for your prayers, love, and faith. For many of you thinking of me even though I am a stranger. I am grateful beyond expression for what you do for me and I want you to know that I gain strength from you and your words.
Testimony is a beautiful thing which gives strength. I know that because even as I decided I needed to think about the many things I KNOW (rather than all the things I don't want to face) I felt peace and strength and my cheeks dried. My heart may still be weeping, but I prefer that to it drying up. : ) I know my Savior knows me and loves me. I know He will hold me in His hand. And I know He will be with me through this journey. I do not have to do it alone.
And I am sincerely grateful for a perfectly wise Eternal Father who knows all, and who, in His wisdom and love, knows the appropriate time to have His Son set me gently back on my own two feet again. (Even making sure I am sufficiently strengthened before it happened.)
I am grateful to walk this journey. I know I didn't come here to be carried the whole way, and I also know that if there is strength to be had, I want to earn it. (I'm not saying I want every trial and hardship - um, no.) But I just know, more now than ever, that I want to be the girl I'm meant to become. I want to learn what I need to in order to grow and expand, and I want to experience what I need to in order to refine my spirit, heart, and soul. I want to be the Lord's. Whatever and however He sees fit to get me there, I'll do it. I just have to remember to keep my faith & testimony close - closer than anything.
I am not alone. We never will be. And as I move forward, since it's impossible to be carried and gain what I need to, I can simply remember that God gave me hands to be held while I walk.
I find it a strange irony that today, Conference Sunday, which has been so fulfilling, uplifting, and reassuring . . . today is the day that I feel that I am beginning to bear the weight of my newfound world more on my own. I am beginning to be weaned from the Spirit's merciful strength and sustaining power, & am being allowed to begin carrying more, bit by bit, on my own shoulders and faith. It has to happen, I need to grow and stretch and become. Something different. Something stronger. Something more reliant on the Lord. With faith rather than just the comforting hand of the Lord.
That whole faith thing usually requires more of us than we want to give.
It's going to be really, really hard.
I sorrow (so deeply) for so many things which are now forever lost and other many things which I am beginning to dread. (I know...dread, fear...they're the antithesis of faith.) Tonight I began to feel (much moreso than before) the loss of my best friend. I wanted so much to call and talk to the best friend I had for 3 years. I wanted that person to still be with me.
Loss is hard.
I just don't want to be here. Ever felt like that? Ok - duh. Everyone has. EVERYone. *sigh*
There's a quote...about the pains you endure granting your heart a special place which allows others to come in & be healed. Thank you all again for your prayers, love, and faith. For many of you thinking of me even though I am a stranger. I am grateful beyond expression for what you do for me and I want you to know that I gain strength from you and your words.
Testimony is a beautiful thing which gives strength. I know that because even as I decided I needed to think about the many things I KNOW (rather than all the things I don't want to face) I felt peace and strength and my cheeks dried. My heart may still be weeping, but I prefer that to it drying up. : ) I know my Savior knows me and loves me. I know He will hold me in His hand. And I know He will be with me through this journey. I do not have to do it alone.
And I am sincerely grateful for a perfectly wise Eternal Father who knows all, and who, in His wisdom and love, knows the appropriate time to have His Son set me gently back on my own two feet again. (Even making sure I am sufficiently strengthened before it happened.)
I am grateful to walk this journey. I know I didn't come here to be carried the whole way, and I also know that if there is strength to be had, I want to earn it. (I'm not saying I want every trial and hardship - um, no.) But I just know, more now than ever, that I want to be the girl I'm meant to become. I want to learn what I need to in order to grow and expand, and I want to experience what I need to in order to refine my spirit, heart, and soul. I want to be the Lord's. Whatever and however He sees fit to get me there, I'll do it. I just have to remember to keep my faith & testimony close - closer than anything.
I am not alone. We never will be. And as I move forward, since it's impossible to be carried and gain what I need to, I can simply remember that God gave me hands to be held while I walk.
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