Success

So I had a realization tonight (a few actually), but let me rewind just a bit.

Overall, I am still doing remarkably well. I owe that to Heavenly Father and my loved ones who are reaching me through long-distance faith and love (2 things which do not have to abide by the laws & physics of this world - yay!) and to my friends nearby who are extending their ears, arms, shoulders, hearts, and lives. I also know that another huge ingredient for the 'doing remarkably well' result is my part in this whole thing. My simple faith & obedience which I'm choosing to exercise. & while they are simple in their nature, there is great passion and emotion driving both of them right now. My testimony of obedience feels like it has increased exponentially. Be Obedient! In any way, shape, or form (even purposefully driving the speed limit just to be obedient, or giving up a favorite hobby with Babylonian influences - mine was a stupid-but-addictive TV show) - there is healing & peace & strength given through simple but willful obedience. (Test it!) It rocks.

Ok. Tangeant #1 is finished.

My realization tonight was that (well crap, I forgot). Oya, it was:
I have been successful.
I've had the opportunity to test out on a handful of people the condensed version of 'what happened' between my spouse & I. & the responses I've gotten have been really mixed. Some have been extremely supportive and gentle, others extremely hurtful and abrupt. Mostly supportive, but still many which fill in the missing blanks with their guesses & assumptions, & offer suggestions on how I can improve. (& I have a pride issue there, cuz the first thing I usually think is "Hey - I'm doing better than I ever knew I could. Don't offer suggestions which I interpret as saying I'm not doing well enough. I'm doing my best already!" Pride, I know. But I'm also learning to give myself credit where it is actually deserved. Big thing for me. And I'm working on addressing the heart of the pride issue - it's still very much a work in progress.)

Tonight, I realized: I was successful. I didn't fail. I did exactly what I would have wanted myself to have done in this test. I had faith in someone who showed every sign of putting the pieces of their life back together and being humble and righteous. I followed the spirit. (For those who have questioned -& will question- the wisdom of the choice I made to marry my spouse & additionally tack on the advice that hindsight is always clearer than foresight, again I say: I followed the spirit. Marrying my spouse was the right thing for me to do.)
I learned about daily communication and kindnesses on a deeper level than I had ever had a chance to. I learned about heart-filled laughter in the midst of deepening trials and pressures. I learned about comprimising & sacrificing & working together, and doing them all willingly and with an eye on the future and the goals we were working on. (Heaven or bust!) I learned about being independently dependent and moving past disappointments. I fought for & believed in my spouse with every ounce of my heart and soul, and did it willingly and lovingly. He was my priority. Our future was my priority. Being right with God was my priority.
And I was successful.
This truly is a situation where I couldn't have done anything to prevent this 'ending' to our story. There is nothing I could have done differently to fix the problem or change the course of events. I was oblivious to all of the additional issues of my spouse, and not because I was choosing to ignore them, not because I wasn't asking the right questions, not because I wasn't following the spirit, or because I was totally naive. --My spouse was just really that good at hiding his sins until he was caught in his lies.
And when I began learning about the hidden sins of my spouse, I took time to communicate, reflect, and create a game plan for getting through it successfully - for both of us. When it was discovered that there were still lies present, even in my spouse's ability to tell me whether he was hiding anything else, I realized I had to make a decision. I took the decision to the Lord. I attended the temple. I conversed with my dear sister. I created some space to make a decision with less of the emotional clouding, and I moved forward once I got the answer. No moving backward, no lollygagging, no back & forth. I ripped the band-aid off will full force. In shock and even denial at times, I had to remind myself this was real, but I still moved forward. Centimeters and inches in the beginning emotionally, but it was still forward.
Sad. Sad, sad situation. I am also having to learn at this point to stop protecting and defending my spouse. (Tonight is my first night of being consciously active in changing this). He has actions to be accountable and responsible for. And while the details are not for sharing, the factual basis is. & that's another hard thing for me to work on.

Oddly enough, I haven't had a trial of unanswered questions for Heavenly Father about why this happened to me . . . or why the Spirit didn't give me a heads up. It has always just felt like it's all okay. It happened the way it was meant to. There is no why, there is only the great blessings to be gained through deepening faith and trust in God and obedience to his commandments. I am learning lessons which I couldn't have learned any other way, and it is God's plan. It really is that simple.
Now don't get me wrong. I still get VERY lonely. I still cry tears from the deepest area of my very bruised heart. I still struggle to feel strong and capable and confident. I still battle with insecurities and have plenty of uncertainties about being accepted and loved and good enough. This is my life and these are battles I have fought every year of my life since middle school. (As have most of us.)
For whatever reason, though, Heavenly Father has allowed me the gift of having no doubts or wavering questions about why this happened. I honestly, with all my heart, feel like it is exactly the path I was supposed to have taken to be where I am today. . . and to prepare for my tomorrows. In so many ways, I am at the best place I have ever been. My focus and dedication in the gospel have never been so pointed and driven. I know where I stand, I know better than ever who I am, and where I am going. For that, I have to say that this is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. It is supremely difficult, but it is forcing me to give more than I've ever given, and to be something more than I was yesterday.
One of my good friends told me (with very little emotion) "Well, there are sadder stories." when I explained about my situation. I have thought of that over & over, and remembered that this is a HUGE loss, but it could be worse, and I need to get past any self-pity that tries to park on my heart's doorstep. Grieve and ache and cry, but don't let those things be the end. Dedicate yourself to something big. Give of your heart and time and soul. Ponder, reflect, and be worthy and humble.
And to add a bunch of additional blessings, Be Obedient!!

You never know where it will get you. : )

Irony . . . filled with Wisdom

I find it a strange irony that today, Conference Sunday, which has been so fulfilling, uplifting, and reassuring . . . today is the day that I feel that I am beginning to bear the weight of my newfound world more on my own. I am beginning to be weaned from the Spirit's merciful strength and sustaining power, & am being allowed to begin carrying more, bit by bit, on my own shoulders and faith. It has to happen, I need to grow and stretch and become. Something different. Something stronger. Something more reliant on the Lord. With faith rather than just the comforting hand of the Lord.

That whole faith thing usually requires more of us than we want to give.

It's going to be really, really hard.

I sorrow (so deeply) for so many things which are now forever lost and other many things which I am beginning to dread. (I know...dread, fear...they're the antithesis of faith.) Tonight I began to feel (much moreso than before) the loss of my best friend. I wanted so much to call and talk to the best friend I had for 3 years. I wanted that person to still be with me.

Loss is hard.

I just don't want to be here. Ever felt like that? Ok - duh. Everyone has. EVERYone. *sigh*

There's a quote...about the pains you endure granting your heart a special place which allows others to come in & be healed. Thank you all again for your prayers, love, and faith. For many of you thinking of me even though I am a stranger. I am grateful beyond expression for what you do for me and I want you to know that I gain strength from you and your words.

Testimony is a beautiful thing which gives strength. I know that because even as I decided I needed to think about the many things I KNOW (rather than all the things I don't want to face) I felt peace and strength and my cheeks dried. My heart may still be weeping, but I prefer that to it drying up. : ) I know my Savior knows me and loves me. I know He will hold me in His hand. And I know He will be with me through this journey. I do not have to do it alone.

And I am sincerely grateful for a perfectly wise Eternal Father who knows all, and who, in His wisdom and love, knows the appropriate time to have His Son set me gently back on my own two feet again. (Even making sure I am sufficiently strengthened before it happened.)

I am grateful to walk this journey. I know I didn't come here to be carried the whole way, and I also know that if there is strength to be had, I want to earn it. (I'm not saying I want every trial and hardship - um, no.) But I just know, more now than ever, that I want to be the girl I'm meant to become. I want to learn what I need to in order to grow and expand, and I want to experience what I need to in order to refine my spirit, heart, and soul. I want to be the Lord's. Whatever and however He sees fit to get me there, I'll do it. I just have to remember to keep my faith & testimony close - closer than anything.

I am not alone. We never will be. And as I move forward, since it's impossible to be carried and gain what I need to, I can simply remember that God gave me hands to be held while I walk.