Sister

It's my Sister's birthday today, and I am full of gratitude for the multitude of things she has taught me and the myriad of times she has rescued me (& my heart).

She is a voice of reason and reassurance in every storm I have passed through. She is wisdom and purity and a love so real you can almost grasp it in your hand. She is devotion, strength, wit, and security. She is honesty, compassion, empathy, sympathy, friendship, quiet warmth, and a hug that enfolds your heart. She is tugged and stretched and held by her family, and her heart is bigger & stronger than anyone I know. She is my sister & one of my greatest examples and friends on earth.

Being her younger sister, she has always been in my life. But way beyond that, she has truly always been there for me in my life, to share the good times and the tough times (and the pyschotic-episodes-at-Wal-Mart times -that's me who goes through those & my sister who has to endure them).

She is beautiful beyond measure.

Thank you for your journey of being & becoming who you are, my sister. You amaze me, and

I LOVE YOU!!

Have a wonderful birthday!!

Prayer

A friend of mine had a wooden plaque hanging in her room which read:
PRAYER CHANGES THINGS

It's been a couple of years since I saw it, but I loved its simple truth and quiet challenge. I realized today when responding to a beautiful e-mail from my sister-in-law, that God was blessing me in special ways prior to 'my September 6th'.
The week before my September 6th was Fast Sunday. Even as I was getting ready for church, I KNEW that I was going to bear my testimony that day & that I would bear my testimony of prayer. I was the 2nd person to the pulpit, and I bore my testimony of that simple, powerful, life-altering truth: PRAYER CHANGES THINGS. At that time I actually wondered to myself why this was the testimony I was bearing, because everything in my life was really, really good and in great order.
I didn't give a storimony. I just bore my testimony of how real prayer is and how grateful I am for the Spirit to be our liason between this world & the next. How even if our circumstances don't change, we change, and things get better. Prayer really does change things.
3 days later, the foundation of my marriage dissolved. Everything that was built on my marriage crumbled within a week. But because of my foundation being the gospel & Christ, I still stand. And PRAYER has given me access to my support (the Spirit & the Love of Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ), as literally as my skeleton is a support for my mortal frame. I would not be standing (even with my skeleton intact) were it not for the gifts accessible through Prayer. Believe me, I would be a non-functional lump of flesh & bones sobbing on the floor & unable to move. I've been there.
How amazing that I would be prompted by the Spirit & by a Father in Heaven who knows the end from the beginning (& all the in-betweens) to share a truth which would bless my life beyond measure, and which would be freshly imprinted in my heart & soul as a reminder & a gift - I am not alone - and I have open communication with He who can heal all things.
Prayer Changes Things.

Also, my sister-in-law mentioned that she & her children have been praying for me. She has explained to her kids that my heart had been hurt, and they have been praying for me.
I KNOW those prayers make a difference. K, J, & J, I want you each to know that I feel the difference because of your prayers. I feel Heavenly Father's love healing my heart and making me strong every hour of every day. You make a difference. Your prayers make a difference. Your faith makes a difference. You are helping me every day, every time you say a prayer for me. And for all your love, faith, and prayers, I want to Thank You.
For the rest of my family & nieces & nephews, and for anyone who has thought of me and cared because they know my amazing sister (Some Semblance of Order), I express the same heartfelt Thank You. You help to make me strong every day. I know that God's blessings are magnified and more powerful through the faith and prayers of others. And I want you to know that I give thanks for all of you each night & morning and ask for you to be blessed in return. It is a beautiful magnificent circle of love & life which I am honored to be in the loop of.

PRAYER CHANGES THINGS.
What could it change for you today?
Challenge yourself.
I am.

3 months 'til . . . Christmas

It's September 25th. Exactly 3 months 'til Christmas . . . & about the length of time an annulment (or) divorce should take to become finalized.

I guess I can't help but sigh. A broken marriage, open-ended dreams laying in fragments on the floor of my heart and mind, an empty place next to myself, and a sorrow for the loss of my dear friend and husband who I believed in with all my heart and life.

But I'm also gaining a brand-new hope for tomorrow, devoid of the current sacrifices and bounds which existed in my current relationship. Open-ended dreams laying in fragments on the floor of my heart and mind, just waiting to be picked up and put together again, in an unknown beautiful arrangement of joy and hope. An adventure which is just beginning and which I must wade through the difficult days in order to stand free and whole on the top of a bright new tomorrow. A full and overflowing heart with the Spirit and the Love of my Heavenly Father who remembers me. And a gratitude for the experience I've had to love someone so fully, so completely, and so honestly, that I would have given my life for him any day and which I did give my life to, every day. A chance to actually BE in a relationship (NOT the crappy SINGLE WORLD!!) and work and grow and move together - to not run away, and not be left behind, but to be together overcoming and gaining strength and experience.

(Another sigh). 3 months. I catch myself thinking that I want to fast-forward. But I don't. Even in the midst of the struggles and difficulties, I'm proud to say I'm married. I'm proud to say I'm a wife and a helpmeet. I'm happy to still be in open communication with my estranged spouse. . . . and I'm not anxious to be 'officially' single again. Even though spiritually, emotionally, and physically I'm already there. I guess this is a kindness from the legal system for me right now (IS there such a thing??) I can ease out of the role I love (in some weird terminology-sort of way). :) and besides, I know I want to live the journey.

(3rd sigh). It's good to stand up for what I believe in, whatever the cost. & honestly, it's really nice to actually be at a point in my life (1st time for everything) where I truly believe I'm worth something really, really good and real. It's incredibly humbling to feel that way at the cost of so many precious outlooks, hopes, and dreams. But I am gaining a trust of, and comfort from, our Savior, which has never been so deep, so poignant, and so real to me.

I can't say the price was worth it, to realize and gain all this - that isn't even the right way to perceive this situation.
I can & will, though, say that it is the greatest consolation prize ever received for having lost so much.
Don't take it for granted.

(& by the way, my sister, I LOVE YOU!!! Thank You for You.)

Once Upon a Time

Isn't that how all good stories begin? Mine is no exception. Really. It just hasn't finished yet.

So two-and-a-half weeks ago, my world turned upside down & has since been falling apart. Weirdly (but so not-weirdly) I have been okay and balanced and still upright. It's like one of those children's toy balls where there's a rod through the middle of the ball with a smaller figure attached in the very middle. As many times as you turn the ball and roll it and twist it, the figure inside (may wobble for a bit) but it stays upright. It adapts. Quickly. Every time. And the only way that would change is if the figure lost what kept it upright and balanced - a special anchor at it's foundation.
Now seriously, it's weird that I'm thinking of this analogy because I don't have kids yet, I've never owned one of those toys, and I've really only seen them a handful of times in my life. But the principle of the way it works is building my testimony today. I have the restored gospel of Jesus Christ as my anchor. & no matter what happens outside myself, no matter how close it is to my personal world & environment, the anchor is there for me, helping me to right myself and be in the right position to handle what is ahead and to see clearly - to be looking and facing in the right direction. It feels good. And I feel strengthened.

Now back to that 'Once upon a time'. It is real. This story you're building and writing each day is yours. What you do, every day, every time you come to a decision, builds your character and plot. If there is anything I would encourage each of you to do today, it would be to be honest. With yourself. With your loved ones. With God. Be honest, and pray for courage and strength to be true. Face your demons, whatever they may be. Be a true character with weaknesses, with heartaches, with struggles and trials and sorrows. Let us love you for who you really are, let us cheer for you for the battles you are really fighting and challenges you are really facing. Let us fight next to you, with you. Let us share tears with you and not just for you. These are the characters we find so much inspiration in and who change our lives and hearts - beautifully, even as they are changing themselves.
But you must be true and honest. If not, you are only building a spider-web version of the reality which should exist. The life which is so tangible, so immensely fulfilling, and so amazingly joyful. A world which will not crumble, will not be destroyed, and which will indeed withstand all that this mortal world and Satan's efforts can throw at it. A foundation to build your forever-dreams on and which will surely become your reality because you have poured your whole self in, and not just nice ideas or a pretty picture of what is hoped for or expected. You have put Yourself in - the raw materials of your heart, soul, mind, and will, which are imperfect, yes, but which are REAL and therefore something to be worked with and improved upon.
This story, this world, this dream, this reality - it is something I have fought for through all my life and which I continue to fight passionately for. Be Yourself. Be True. Be Honest. Be who You are Meant to Be.