24

My countdown started this afternoon of my 24 hours 'til my court hearing begins & I will be officially single again. & re-maiden-named. & wedding-ring-less on my finger. and un-Mrs-ed. and have to use the term 'ex' or 'previous' when talking about my husband. & work on stopping talking about my ex/previous husband. & changing my last name, everywhere.
I've been so freakishly exhausted mentally lately, that I feel like I don't even address the stuff that's going through my head. Auto-pilot is my salvation.
What I do know, though, is that I am looking forward to going back to the temple when it reopens. I'm looking forward to being with my sister & her family, and having someone wonderful to accompany me through the drudgery of getting a new SS card & driver's license. I'm looking forward to reading scriptures tonight & getting swallowed in the stories & lessons therein. I'm looking forward to praying to my Heavenly Father. I'm looking forward to resting. I'm looking forward to moving further forward & moving on. I'm looking forward to being able to look back & feel peace for the way I handled things. I'm looking forward to discovering what is in store for me in my future. & I'm looking forward to hope being in my heart & life even more than it is now.

So I'm giving myself a 'free-write' as they were called in high school. No topic, no 'rules' to follow - just the specific task of writing for 10 minutes. I kinda miss these.
I had a rough day today. Emotionally spent, physically crappy, mentally all over the place. I didn't feel like myself very much at all. My heart was weepy, and my head was physically hurting and I struggled staying focused & not constantly thinking about my court hearing in two days. Worrying. Getting frustrated cuz I was worrying about something that will be resolved and which worrying won't help. Sighing cuz I realized I didn't need to beat myself up over worrying - it's normal. Trying to focus on the current task at hand. Getting annoyed that my muscles all hurt. Getting tired & worn out. Then being weepy again. and frustrated. and sigh-y.

I have visited my husband's dad & stepmom, and grandparents over the weekend. Kinda tough to do, but I'm so glad I did. I stopped by his mom's house tonight to say goodbye, but she wasn't home, and I searched another 5 stores looking for a specific type of black jacket (denim has been outlawed at my work, so the hunt is on for a new jacket).
On my way home, I called a friend from my previous job who I've been meaning to get in touch with & let her know about the updated situation of me. We laughed - she shared stories about immense drama which has been going on the lives of her close friends & loved ones. We shared "that sucks" & "I'm so sorries" and then we laughed. I'm convinced that there should always be a hilariously riotous moment in everyone's life as a consolation to any huge stress, tradgedy, calamity, or sorrow. Really.

Thankful

I asked my home teachers for a priesthood blessing last week to help me through the upcoming weeks (annulment & its aftermath). --Especially cuz the temple is closed for its yearly cleaning for the next 3 weeks. I have gained a huge amount of strength, peace, and comfort by attending, and am so grateful for the chance to live so close and attend as often as I want.
Today in the mail I got a card from my home teacher thanking me for giving him the chance to use the priesthood & letting me know that he sensed the Lord has been by my side through the whole ordeal. He also said that he will be sending me a chapter in a book which I may find comforting.
I'm bah-wling. For many reasons, but most of all for the gratitude I have toward a worthy priesthood holder who went the extra mile to send a card which has additionally blessed my heart, and is going another mile sending something more which can offer further comfort and learning. I don't know which book or what the chapter will be on, but to me, this is something a father might do for his daughter who was going through a difficult time.
& that's something I've never had the honor of experiencing.

It means

A LOT

to this heart & girl.

More than words can express.
Anyway, to any fathers &/or priesthood holders who might read this, never underestimate the power of acting in the Lord's name and going the extra mile to share the Lord's love. It is one of the greatest gifts a person can receive.

& now on to my gratitude list.
Things I am Thankful for:
Honesty
Friendship
Love
Kindness
Kindness
Kindness
Acceptance
A listening, sympathetic ear rather than unsolicited advice.
A job
A place to live
A car to drive
pets
nieces (K, E, B)
nephews (S, J, N, J, T, S)
brothers (H, P)
sisters (K, K)
aunts & uncles (B&C)
mom
dad
the opportunity to have been a wife
the opportunity to love someone with all my heart & know they won't walk away tomorrow
the opportunity to grow
My Savior
My Heavenly Father
scriptures
wisdom
authors
their books
self-help sections
the ability to learn
the Temple
peace
comfort
rain
cloudy days
thunder
lightning
ponds
lakes
rivers
waterfalls
Hawaii
snow ice cream
Turkey stuffing
good health
computers
internet
blog-world
good pillows
a good mattress
my teddy bear (who turned 20 years old this year)
"Keep your faith and above all be you!"
miracles
a living, modern-day Prophet
his words
Les Miserables
Air Supply
Metallica
Enya
sand between my toes
the beach
hot water heaters
light
electricity
trees
job postings
co-workers who become some of your dearest friends
'dearest friends' being further defined as forever
city of mesa - where I have meant most of my dearest friends
eastern arizona college - where I met the others
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints - where I learned about my Father in Heaven, my Savior, His Atonement for me, and the purpose of this life.
the concept & reality of family - ohana
toothy grins
solid hugs
gratitude tears
laughing
hope
tomorrow
today
yesterday
grass green
sunshine yellow
Grandma Olivia
lineage
heritage
posterity
ancestors
annulments
marriages
covenants
handsfree for cellphones
disney cartoons
the restored power of God on earth
Home Teachers
Visiting Teaching
cotton
quilts
tampons
sunglasses
cartwheels
swimming pools
Arizona
education
America
those who fight for their countries
language
striving
finding joy & contentment in each day
a day to celebrate all that we are grateful for - HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Loved

My mom sent a package today with some Christmas projects to work on (YAY!) & tucked away in the middle of the items, was a small frame with the words "You are Loved" inside.

What a beautiful thing to be reminded of. I thank all of you who have brightened my days (and especially today) with your kind words, your unexpected and greatly appreciated compliments, your smiles, your laughter, your presence, your friendship, yourSELF, and who have given me your love and allowed me to know more fully, that I am Loved. I thank you, and offer right back at ya:

YOU ARE LOVED!!

Tribute to a Song

These are words from a song I heard on the radio about 4 months ago:

"I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen",
And it's still raining."

Have you ever felt this way?
When I first heard the song, it struck a chord within my heart. Prior to falling in love with my husband & being married to him, I had been on my own - I moved from my hometown at 18 & was in the school and/or working world for 9 long years. 8 years of which my [family support] lived at least 80 miles away, or in another state. I grew up feeling rather isolated in many respects, and spent most of those 9 "alone" years feeling like I was floating on a raft which I had made as stable and comfortable as possible, but which was still needing an anchor or dock...somewhere to stay and belong.
Throw in a fair share of good friends moving away (& on with their lives), other friendships gone awry, relationships ending painfully but rightly, and several years of depression, and I was exhausted with being single and being alone. I suffered through serious self-esteem issues, an abusive relationship, and a myriad of lonely tear-filled nights petitioning Heavenly Father to help me find just one healthy friend I could share part of my life with. I wanted to move on. In fact, I just plain wanted to move! I was struggling with my heart being way too small for this big city, and yet feeling with certainty in my prayers that I needed to remain here.
So when I heard the lyrics about saying Amen & it still raining, I felt a quiet appreciation and understanding of how that has existed in my life. Not in a negative way at all, but in a simple "Hey - I've felt that!" acknowledgement of a difficult experience. I also happen to LOVE the rain, and felt an additional peace & joy in the analogy. I cannot count the times that I said "Amen", opened my eyes & realized the storm of my life was still raging. I would then get up from my knees, hope with all my heart that the weather would change tomorrow, or this week, or this weekend, and the time would pass & it would still be storming. Again, and again, after each Amen.
The song goes on to say beautifully:

"I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"

I heard the song once. Kept listening for it. Didn't hear it again until the 2nd week after marriage-world turned upside down. & I then heard it 4 or 5 times within the next 2 weeks. Then I bought the CD & I now listen to it whenever I want. : )
(Artist: Counting Crowns; Album: Lifesong)
The biggest difference this time around for my storm-endurance test is that I have learned to cope while in the storm. The storm does not need to change in order for me to find peace. The storm does not have to end in order for relief to come. I discovered that the answer is inside, not outside. And God is always here with me, inside & outside, if I choose to be worthy & accepting of Him & His blessings.
I am reminded of the quote:
"Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes God lets the storm rage and calms His child."

I have been blessed in my life through lyrics of songs. I have learned this is a way in which my heart & life can be altered in a quiet, tender way. & I am doing my best to live up to the chorus of this song & to praise God through my storm and acknowledge the numerous blessings He gives to me each day. I'm finding that as I do it, I'm actually feeling appreciation & joy again. Small victories in the midst of the torrential downpours of added sorrows, sadnesses, and pains, but still victories.
And I indeed thank my Heavenly Father and acknowledge his perfect, loving hand and heart in all things, especially in my life and current storm.
He is amazing!!