Happy Day

Thanksgiving.

What a great name for today!! I am so grateful for the country I live in - for the freedoms I am able to enjoy - and for the security, comfort, and protection offered and available to the those in need. I love that we have a holiday named such, and that it reminds us of such a basic and peace-giving principle. Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to be unhappy when you are truly thankful for a number of things in your life? I remember being awed by the 'magic' in finding things to be sincerely grateful about a person or situation, and feeling my anger/irritation/frustration/etc melt away.

Thanksgiving, as a decision and act, is magical. If you want to enrich your heart and mind, improve the quality of your life, and find more beauty and joy each day, incorporate it daily.

My 'Thankful For' list for the year is bursting to get out, so here it is!!

Sacrifices made (or in the making!!).

First and foremost, for the sacrificing Atonement made by Jesus Christ, and for the sacrifice of our Father in Heaven for allowing His Son to perform this act. Because of His love, His pain, and His suffering, I am able to be forgiven. I am immensely grateful for such a selfless gift and sacrifice, and for the power and mercy which is extended into my life, and everyone else's.

Also, I taught the lesson in church last Sunday, and was overwhelmed with gratitude so tangible it felt almost like it could be sculpted like clay. It was a lesson on the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith. His life was fraught with opposition and trial and downright evil intentions & actions by his enemies, and yet was still filled with so much sweetness and enlightenment and joy and peace. Because of his life, his choices, his courage, and his unwillingness to ever deny what and Who he saw; because of his continued perserverance and faith in God and his willingness to DO what God asked of him, I have my today. And it's due to 'Because of...'

And the continued faith and sacrifices and efforts of the succeeding leaders, as well and the enormous faith, sacrifice, courage. and endurance of all the early Saints in making the 1300-mile journey to find their yet un-built, never-seen-before Zion.

It's daunting everytime I read through facts on the Pioneer Trail. Even more daunting (and amazing) to me is that I realize that every person involved had their own story, their own tragedies and suffering, their own conviction. their own smile, their own joys, and their own redemption.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mormon_Trail

Not to mention that I recognize this is only one area of faith and sacrifice so courageously exercised in order for our nation to be what and where it is today. To the many, many soldiers, the explorers, the political leaders, the scientists, the inventors, the general public uniting for causes, the writers, the entrepreneurs, the religious leaders and groups...I thank you all, across the years and globe, for allowing me the chance to have my today.

Acts of Kindness
One of my favorite quotes EVER is the following by Henry James:

Three things in human life are important.

The first is to be kind.

The second is to be kind.

The third is to be kind .

Kindness has changed my life. It has changed my heart. It has strengthened me and has saved me from the decaying grasp of discouragement, depression, and self-doubt. (It still does!) It has restored hope, given new life and light, and gently picked me up from the floor where I lay bleeding and broken. It has been my support as I hobbled along until I healed. And it is reciprocal in its effects.

This article is overly scientific for my taste, but it made me smile just to know that someone, somewhere, decided to factualize the process:

http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1820947

Understanding replacing Advice

There are times when a person simply needs to be understood and heard. No advice needs to be given. No proposed solutions, no opinions of how or why things are, no ideologies of what is missing, or what needs to happen next. Just simple, from-the-heart, listening with the desire to better understand a person. It can be an unimaginably healing act to offer.

People

I'm so grateful that I'm not alone in this world! Every person, regardless of their personality and character traits, allows me a chance to exercise who and what I am. Without people, my growth would be stunted. And I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity for my character traits to grow - to be someone a little bit changed each day.

Outside

Specifically nature-outside. But I am also grateful for outside, but still in the city, and for outside but in the rural world. Fresh air, breezes and winds, trees, grass, rocks, dirt, lakes, rivers, streams, and oceans, mountains and hills and canyons and forests . . . I prefer it without civilization, but I certainly can't discredit the effect that parks and landscaping and surrounding landscapes have on my heart every day. They remind me that I can just BE. And that is heavenly for me.

Faith

It makes things possible . . . not easy. And it is a fuel. A fuel, a foundation, and a strength.

Family

And by family, I mean my friends too. My heart has followed the Polynesian 'Ohana' definition of family, long before I ever knew that such a word and definition/implementation existed.

If you don't know the differences between 'family' and 'ohana' check it out:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ohana

I am thankful for each of you. You mean more to me than I can express, and more than I'm sure you will ever, ever know. You become my heart and my lifeline in various ways, each day, and I thank you each for being who and what you are, and for the choices you make daily to be you.

My body

Seriously. It's miraculous the way it operates every second, every minute, every day . . . the way it renews and heals itself. That it can be so fragile, and yet so resilient. My senses, my fine & gross motor skills, my voluntary and involuntary muscles, my lungs, my brain. And cardiac muscle - how cool is this?!:

Your heart is made of cardiac muscle. This type of muscle only exists in your heart. Unlike other types of muscle, cardiac muscle never gets tired. It works automatically and constantly without ever pausing to rest.

It's one of the MANY incredibly cool things about the way our human body is configured!!!

And to wrap up, I'm grateful for TODAY. It's a thing of power and potential and energy and excitement. I can cause a ripple, right now. I don't have to wait for the chance to be. I don't have to fret about what's been done and can't be changed. Today. It's full of opportunities. And that is beautiful and enticing. Make your today a beautiful one.

And enjoy the fact that many wonderful things can happen to the world around you, resulting from a 'Because of . . ." in your life!

Cold Weather Camping

Given the fact that I have 3 camping trips and a desert bonfire under my belt within the last 5 weeks, I figured I should post something to reflect how much I enjoy camping.

The first trip was solo on Mt. Graham in Safford, AZ. Beautiful, quiet, and a bazillion stars at night. And a heard-but-not-seen animal which stole my slipper from under a tent flap at 4:30 AM. (Hmmm, is this a clue that they STINK??!) I did get it back. After being a bit freaked and going back to sleep for a few hours.

Second trip was with a group of friends on Mt. Ord, between Mesa and Payson. A quick jaunt up the highway and along a dirt road turn-off, and HEY-we're in the mountains!! Definitely different terrain, but absolutely beautiful nonetheless, and an incredible view to the north (don't you love it when the tree leaves change color?!)

Kim, myself, and Susie







Bonfire - in the desert off Peralta Trail, east of Apache Junction. Bonfire, stars, sandwash, s'mores, bare feet, and new people to meet?!! That's my element. I can't seem to get enough of it right now.

And the most recent camping trip was near Clints Well, approx 30 miles north of Payson, past Strawberry & Pine. A group of 8 dwindled down to just me due to cancellations, and then a roomie surprised me and came along. We bypassed the 'formal' campsite (dubbed the Jethro Tull campsite by my roomie, due to the WEEird staring-guy we passed, and the fact that there were all of 5 campsites, and they were directly off the highway. Like literally 15 feet from it.) That's a poor excuse of a campground. Woods, solitude, and no paved roads in sight . . . these should be a requirement of anything being formally titled a campground. We explored a few side roads, and found a cozy little spot in a clearing.

Two things that I can't go without ranting and raving about are recent purchases which have made my camping trips not just bearable, but DOWNright (hehe) comfortable.

The first: Down Booties.

Seriously girls, if you are anything like me and your toes are like ice cubes which canNOT seem to thaw when the temperature dips below 60, these are like heaven on earth. Wear 'em around the campsite, wear 'em inside your sleeping bag -- using these babies, for the first time EVER, my feet weren't cold at ALL. And temps were low 40's or worse. Did I mention that I love them? Ya, that's an understatement.

And Second? A Beanie Cap with Earflaps

I have to admit that I love the way these look. I have a regular beanie cap, but having just acquired this style (with the earflaps) and testing it out during the latest and coldest camping trip, I am completely, 100% sold. Between the booties and the wool earflap hat, I wasn't just warm, I was hot at times. And I mean taking-the-hat-and-my-coat-off-to-cool-down hot. Cozied up in my camping chair, in front of the fire, coat behind me (not on), down booties securely in place, and the hat on...and off. And believe me, it was cold.

A few more things which have allowed me to even consider cold-weather camping (I'm a total wimp when I get cold. And I get cold easily. And then stay REALLY cold for what feels like forever . . .)
A down coat and really good sleeping bag. Plus, I've gotten luxurious, and I take an air mattress. I sleep just as good (if not better due to the fresh air and peaceful night-noises) as I do at home in my big, comfy bed.

I'm turning into a campaholic. : )

Oya - and the coolest thing about all the camping stuff I'm ranting about? You can find it all on REI Outlet for 50-70% off. The down booties are currently $15, the hat is $13, sub-zero sleeping bags can be found for $50-60, and down coats are regularly on sale (I paid 40 for mine, but that was several years ago). Happy shopping!!

Being Witchy!!

This was the first Halloween in a long time that I've dressed up...




I'm sad that I didn't get a good close-up photo to show off and keep - the makeup really made the costume. I had big ol' fake white eyelashes and spiders in my hair/wig draped in wisps around my face. It was a lot of fun getting all decked out. Another impressive fact - Minnie Mouse is the seamstress for both her own costume and Snow White's. They were incredible!

Happy Halloween late to you!!!

If the world was completely open to you, and you could move anywhere, start anything, and it was you and you alone right now, where would you go & why?

Here's one of my favorite new websites:

Alaska Stock Images

I have to admit - it makes me want to move to Alaska. : )

Sky

I grew up in a small town where cold winters and very few streetlights made the stars seem exceptionally brilliant at night. I have wonderful memories of walking the deserted streets late at night, wrapped in a blanket, looking up at the sky and being awed by the beauty and majesty above. Summer nights, winter nights - it didn't matter. If you walked outside at night, you noticed the stars. I clearly remember as a little-little girl walking from my grandmother's door to the car out front, with no porch light or streetlight around, and marvelling at the placement of the stars above. I learned young to look up at night, for there was brilliance to behold.

The stars are foundational for me. Some people still get to go to grandma's for Thanksgiving dinner, Sunday dinner, or anytime at all, and/or still get to go back to the home they grew up in for Christmas Eve and morning - or anytime at all. I get to remember the stars and how they were always there for me as I grew. And still are. I find peace and security in that fact. Always constant, always comforting, they quietly hang overhead, still there as my life unfolds.

They twinkled and shone while I cried, danced, sang, dreamed, and laughed. Childhood, teen years, college years, post-college. They still twinkle and shine while I still cry, dance, sing, dream, and laugh.

I always feel like God knows ME when I stare at the stars. I feel like I belong. In the vast span of space, I exist, and I am unique, and I matter. I never fail to gain that sense of love and belonging when I take the time to appreciate existing under the stars. Blanketed by comforting blackness, and crowned with serene and majestic stars above. It's one of my favorite things about this life.
And one of the most missed since I moved to the 'city'.

The Astronomy Picture of the Day website is one of my favorite. Here's the link, and below it I've attached today's picture & explanation. Double click on the picture to see a much more impressive view, and check out the 'Archive' link at the bottom of the webpage for literally YEARS of photos.

Astronomy Picture of the Day



A Scorpio Sky Spectacular
Credit & Copyright: Stéphane Guisard

Explanation: If Scorpio looked this good to the unaided eye, humans might remember it better. Scorpio more typically appears as a few bright stars in a well known but rarely pointed out zodiacal constellation. To get a spectacular image like this, though, one needs a good camera, color filters, and a digital image processor. To bring out detail, the above image not only involved long duration exposures taken in several colors, but one exposure in a very specific red color emitted by hydrogen that brings out great detail. The resulting image shows many breathtaking features. Vertically across the image left is part of the plane of our Milky Way Galaxy. Visible there are vast clouds of bright stars and long filaments of dark dust. Jutting out diagonally from the Milky Way in the image center are dark dust bands known as the Dark River. This river connects to several bright stars on the right that are part of Scorpio's head and claws, and include the bright star Antares. Numerous red emission nebulas and blue reflection nebulas are visible throughout the image. Scorpio appears prominently in southern skies after sunset during the middle of the year.

Theft . . . and Gratitude

Sometimes I might be a little too open about the details...but I claim it makes things a little, just a little, more comical sometimes.

So today after work, I headed to Wal-Mart because I desperately needed tampons. I was completely out and at a point in the day where it was reeeaaaalllly important for me to get more. So I peruse the store a bit more since today was payday...find a pair of pants that are decently cute & my size, and decide to try em on...and (oops) in my 1st day of full-blown period brain fog (no, probably not what you were starting to dread) I leave my keys in the dressing room, hanging on the hook. Keys with wallet attached to the keyring.

Within 10 minutes, I realized what I had done and ran across the store to see if they were miraculously still there. They weren't. One person had used the dressing room after me, and the temptation was just too much, I'm sure. Nothing had been turned in to employees, so I let the employees know, ask for a description of the suspect (my 911 training kicked right in), and after about 20 seconds of only getting hispanic female in her 20's, unknown color shirt, unknown hair length...I bolt for the parking lot to see if my car is still there. (Those handy alarm keyfobs can be a wonderful asset in finding your car when you forgot where you parked.....or...um, ya. yikes.)
Get to the parking lot with my mind racing about how frustrating it's gonna be if my CAR is gone, too...and *whew* sigh of relief, it's still there. But I'm now panicky about it disappearing at some point. So I run back into the store, find a phone to call for a police report, and wonderfully enough, get a girl I used to work with who is also willing to do the extra favor I ask of calling another of our co-workers (my roommate) & asking her to find my spare keys & keyfob, and dropping them off for me.
I talk to a manager, try to find a phone number for my bank to cancel my bank card (which, by the way, is NOT an easy number to find) and go wait outside for either some suspicious person to walk up to my car, or until my roommate or the police show up.
Here's all the cool stuff:
1) There's an officer working off-duty at the store. He just happens to be standing outside the garden center, close to where my car is, and he takes my report then & there. No waiting for up to (or more than) an hour for an officer to respond in the 104 degree heat.
2) Last week I purged my room and actually KNEW exactly where my spare key & keyfob were, so I could describe where they were for my roommate to find them.
3) My cell phone wasn't stolen. It was inside my locked car.
4) I no longer memorize phone numbers, so I knew I didn't have a phone number to contact my roommate (or anyone) to bring me keys or pick me up or help me out....but wait. Roommate & I both work for the police department, and you can get department member's phone numbers through dispatch if you give your ID number. 2 birds, 1 stone: call to start the report, and the operator doesn't even hesitate in saying yes when i ask her to call my roommate and relay the info to help me. (Thanks!!)
5) I knew EXACTLY what cards were in my attached-purse. Non-interesting story from shopping for groceries last night...I knew that only my credit/debit bank card was the only money card in there. That's unusual. I almost ALWAYS have a credit card, too. Not today.
6) My address on my Driver's License is a PO Box. Yep, they got my car keys, alarm fob, house keys, and mail key. But they only thing they know where is, is my mailbox. & they can't be too sure which post office that's in.
7) I still had my 2nd mailbox key at home (in a place I actually knew about) & got my mail as soon as I got home. Tomorrow I'll have them change the locks & I won't even have to change my address on all my accounts.
8) After 20-30 minutes on the phone trying to get the right number for reporting my bank card stolen, I get in touch with someone who can help. Card cancelled, new one being send (not to the PO Box), and NO fraudulent charges!! They had to verify my last deposit date & amount...guess what? I was carrying my paystub with me today cuz I just got paid today. Also, I NEVER carry my checkbook with me, and I haven't memorized my new checking account #. Ya, I ordered something from Avon last week (which I also NEVER do) and had my check book with my account number handy enough to be able to expidite the cancelling of my check card.
9) I had $40 cash in my stolen-wallet. Which I honestly think might be the reason the card wasn't used. Maybe they were still shopping; maybe they did a bee-line and left with their newfound treasure, I dunno. I'm just grateful that my entire paycheck wasn't depleted (a miracle it wasn't even touched), and that I was able to catch it quickly.
10) I know about the credit agencies - Equifax, TransUnion, and Experian. I know to call them and place a fraud alert on my credit info. REALLY nice thing about it, is that I only had to call one, and they placed the fraud alert for all 3. RIGHT ON!!
11) As pointed out by my co-worker, I have the chance to get a really GREAT new Driver's License photo. Heck ya, bring it on.
12) My roommate was available and willing to help. She was there within 20 minutes. Which felt like a lifetime, but I was filling out the police paperwork most of that time.
13) My car alarm 'just started acting funny' last week. Usually it audibly beeps when you press the keyfob and locks/unlocks. Well, the audible part mysteriously quit working. It will flash the taillights and still lock/unlock, but doesn't make any sound when you press the buttons. And it does still sound when I press the panic/alarm button. Just not when I press the lock/unlock buttons.
14) Also, my keyfob doesn't have my vehicle make symbol on it. It's an actual car alarm keyfob, so it only has the alarm manufacture symbol on it. Granted, my car key has the car symbol on it, but hopefully my thief isn't so quick on the draw, and no one else will be able to find me or my car after this. I AM planning on having the alarm re-coded. Beautiful thing about the alarm is that if the alarm isn't deactivated properly, the engine won't start. It won't help that you have the correct key and can open the doors, there's a kill-switch which activates for the engine. I know this from experience. And the alarm is LOUD while you're sitting there turning the key with no results.

So...really, I've got a few things to still do tomorrow morning, and some stuff to follow up on, but my main concern to watch for is identity theft at this point. So I'll pull my credit report every few months to ensure no one is pretending to be me somewhere, and I'll cross my fingers, say my prayers, and hope that whoever got my goods just needed the 40 bucks, and doesn't have any interest in hunting down any of my details, or creating new ones.
Tonight as I was getting ready for bed, I thought about how grateful I am that my home (and my roommate's) is still a safe place. Our safety and property isn't compromised because of information being 'out there' from a theft. I'm not petrified that my car is going to be stolen, and I know that it's still possible for someone to link the information together, but I've made it pretty difficult. ALL my accounts are in my PO Box address. Yay!

So....I've felt an overwhelming amount of gratitude for the fact that in the last year, because of my divorce, I've converted to PO Boxes. I'm grateful for all the little detailed 'conveniences' that made this a very-low-damage theft so far. I'm grateful for the anonymity of a large city to be well-hidden in, and I'm grateful for having the work history of 911 and police-association, to know what to do, and even to have someone go the extra mile for me because they know me.

It all makes me feel very, very taken care of.

But I still need tampons.

:) My roommate has let me have some of hers until I get some. Good roommates ROCK.

NOT Normal.

At all. Or maybe... Maybe I am. But I don't feel like it!!

The last 2 months have been increasing difficult. Blah, blah, you know the drill. Whine, complain, vent, get aggrivated, get frustrated, cry a little bit, cry a lot, realize I've got non-stop PMS symptoms, fume a bit, get irritated that I'm irritable, feel lousy and exhausted, stay away from everyone, get frustrated that I'm a-social, work up the courage to go be social, be a bit more social but then hate that I have to be single and social all over again...
that's been me.

GRANTED, there HAVE been a few short, sweet moments of pleasantness and relief when it seems like a touch of my former-self has emerged. (Key word: >>short<< moments)
But they ARE there.

I don't really understand all the reasons that I've been a wreck all over again. I don't know if this is normal. It definitely does NOT feel normal to me. It's not in harmony with my overall personality, it's not in step with my habitual characteristics, and it's not what I WANT to be.

But it's there. It's me. I'm it.
I would attribute most of it to me being emotionally overwhelmed again. In a different way. Initially, when my world fell apart without any warning, I recognized that things would be tough. I knew I would be a mess. & I didn't expect anything different. I took it easy and laid low, trusting that things would settle & I would see my path of action to be taken.
NOW, though, it's been 8 months since my annullment was final, and I was truly improving steadily. I was ready to be social again, ready to find love again, ready for all the blah-blah-blah-goodness, even if it was difficult. I expected things to just be easier from now on. Why wouldn't they be??
Enter relationship/romance with wonderful new guy. End relationship/romance with wonderful new guy. Kind-of. We're still friends. Trying to find the right grounds for being friends but dealing with the array of stuff that's going on in both our hearts and heads, when I know he is not the guy for me to 'get serious' with but he isn't convinced that I'm right about that. Enter a HUGE trial of my faith in regards to answers to prayer (different issue than the guy-thing). Approach my 30th birthday and alllll the self-assessments that go along with realizing I've been on this earth for 30 YEARS and...what? Approach the anniversary of my personal D-day which happens to be less than 2 weeks after my 30th birthday. Already existing: continuous upheaval and drama at work through changes, changes, changes. Also already existing: doubts about whether I should change or remain where I live and where I work. The Plan of Action is no clearer than it was back then, and here I am, and what the HECK do I do?

It's like I have taken a HUGE leap backwards from progressing. Now, I DO know this isn't true. It just FEELS like it cuz my emotions are flip-flopping like a fish on the floor, freaking out & just wanting to be in their safe place again. It's like my emotional whirlwind is daily evolving into tornado-ish proponets at times and lulling into dead, still, unending tension in the air before the tornado resumes at other times. It sucks. I'm dealing with new issues in all areas of being single after being married. I'm getting annoyed that these problems currently exist in my personality & characteristics, & that they didn't used to be there. I'm irked that I seem less strong, less sure of myself, less able to fight my way through my battles.

Really, I do know I'm still progressing. I *think* I know :) that things aren't supposed to constantly be smooth sailing & easier terrain from the first 4 months. But to live through my experience so far, it just seemed like a fair assessment to expect to do better tomorrow than today, especially when I have been steadily DOING better progressively.

Wrong, I guess. When a serious physical injury is sustained and therapy is required, it's because healing has to occur and strength has to be rebuilt. And that process is slow (molasses slow), and steady, and you have to be gentle yet firm with yourself in your dedication to the program. If you try to alter any of those aspects, you're gonna pay a price. In writing this, I already know which one I'm suffering because of.

I DO recognize that just because I FEEL a certain way, doesn't make it true. I DO know that I am doing better this week than last, and that last week was better than the one before. I guess I shouldn't be the one to harshly determine where I SHOULD be versus simply where I am, and I should back off and allow myself to still be in a loss/trauma cycle.

I guess. ;)

2nd Chances

I first really caught myself re-musing about the beauty of my 'second chance' opportunities while hiking the 11 miles to Havasupai. I had a wonderful time picking through my heart and mind while on that journey, and was able to ponder and reflect on things big and small.

First and foremost, I was grateful and amazed to be on this hike. I first saw photos of Havasupai back in 1998 while working at the Wal-Mart PhotoCenter in Utah, and promised myself that someday I would go there - wherever in the world it was located. Imagine my surprise when I found out it was in my home state! It still took me 9 years to make it, but had I remained married & in my then-current circumstances, the chances of getting there are next to none. Only if I had taken absolute initiative and been willing to go alone and/or without my husband, would I have gone. Sad but true.

Secondly, I enjoyed the journey. There were times along the trail that I caught myself smiling to myself - a huge, completely content, and utterly complete grin spread across my face. This is a journey I wanted to be on, and I was on it. I was surrounded by nature's miraculous beauties, and I was part of it all in those moments. Experiencing, sharing, and partaking of it all. (I know I get just a bit cheezy about it all) but Outside is my place to Be. I'm always more alive, more whole, more content . . . more ME when I'm outside - especially in a place with little or no civilization. I'm a dirt-loving girl, what more can I say?

Third, I found out about 3 weeks prior to this trip that I have a brain cyst. All I knew for 5 days was that it existed & I needed another test to find out if it was benign. Those 5 days sent me through a re-evaluation of my life and priorities which allowed me an amazing opportunity to see life with a new perspective. What is REALLY important to me? What is lasting? What do I want more than anything? What are all the little things I will miss about my life and this earth? What am I going to be saddest about missing out on if my future is suddenly cut short?
Beautifully, I felt underlying peace the entire time. I found that I was truly at peace with my life and how I have lived it. (pretty big for me having gone through a divorce within the last 6 months) The only regrets would be not having the chance to accomplish the few things which I have always longed for - namely having a family of my own and being sealed for forever to my future husband. After the 5 days, I got news that my cyst is non-threatening in every way. Nothing to be concerned about at ALL. So there has been an added appreciation and gratitude for life and health which I recognized and counted my blessings for while I made the journey through the canyon. I was physically able to do this. & after all my health issues and physical pain and limitations existing through the last 2 years, it was a wonderful experience to be able to accomplish something so big.

Fourth, I had a few conversations about what I want in a future spouse. & while there could easily be a huge list of what i do and don't want, I was really able to just sum it up in the simple request that he be my equal. And in saying that, I realized that it's a perfectly legitimate request - in fact, it makes perfect and fair sense. I'm sad to admit this, but that's a new concept for me. There's justification from my life-lived in asking for someone who matches and compliments me. It's not asking for too much or being too picky. It's what I deserve. Again, I am so grateful for second chances. : )

Fifth, I am so grateful to be inspired by people who come into my life and heart. I am grateful to know that I can love again and can experience the giddiness, the joy, the beauty, the strength, the purity, the respect, and the goodness of a relationship with someone else. Whether it stays or you have to let it gently go, it's still real and effectual, and does a wonderful miracle in blessing your life and heart for the better. I am so grateful for second chances to be able to experience that, and for my heart to grow stronger and deeper.






Second chances are miraculous. What are the second chances you are enjoying in life right now?

Holy Havasupai, Batman!!



Have you ever gone on a vacation and enjoyed every second of it??



Even the part where your muscles hurt so much that you can barely move?

That's the vacation I just had.

Last Friday, two of my friends from work & I headed to the trailhead for Havasupai Canyon which is located at the southwest corner of the Grand Canyon. The only way into the canyon is by foot, horseback, or by helicopter. We opted for backpacking in and helicoptering out. 11 miles to the campsite, carrying 40 lb packs. HECK YA!!


Myself, Karen, and Kim at the beginning of our hike. The trailhead started right behind us - lots of switchbacks descending right into the canyon.



Mid-way (or so) - almost the entire hike was lined on both sides by red rock cliffs. This was in the sandwash/trail along the way.



That's the RIVER behind me. Turquoise water, even in the river?!!
So freakin' cool!!



Friday afternoon and Saturday morning were spent here at Havasu Falls. It's quite a majestic sight, and nature's color palette is awesome with the green foliage, turquoise pool, white waterfall, and red rock. The water, by the way, was COLD!!



Kim & I at the top of Mooney Falls. It's the tallest of the falls in the area at 196 feet, and absolutely breathtaking. To get to the bottom, yout must brave the freakish descent using chains secured to the walls at times - but it's WELL worth it!



This is a picture snapped from the helicopter on our ride back to the hillside. It was surprising to see how much ground we covered on foot (kinda freaky, actually).



Me getting off the helicopter. (Am I excited or what?)


The three of us at the end. I think it says something profound about the trip that our grins are even BIGGER after the 14-16 miles of hiking, blistered feet, and insanely sore muscles.

Would I do it again? Absolutely!! We've heard there's actually another group going at the end of June...


Havasu Falls


Mooney Falls

Normal

Something strange has occurred in the last few weeks. I feel . . . normal. Normal to be single, normal to be a roommate, normal to be going to a Singles' Ward, normal talking about dating, normal GOING on a date, normal thinking there are some very cute & good guys out there.

& it's WEEIRD.

Cool, but weird.

Tuesday night I went to the (Mesa) temple and watched a few minutes of the Easter Pageant practice before heading to a singles' activity which I opted not to stay for the entirety of.
I was able to hang out with my sister & her (OUR) friend Susan on Wednesday.
Thursday I stayed home relaxing until I got mad at the plot of Smallville. Then I stayed home being ticked off at the world of Smallville and the injustice of that stupid storyline.
& this weekend, my friend Karen & I had a ball. Her kids were camping with dad by a lake, and I felt absolutely spoiled, getting to usurp her time for two whole days. Dinner, movie, quilt auction, and dinner again.

& today, church talks were fantastic, I taught the Relief Society lesson, chatted with a few people, thought about enjoying Institute last week because it was Institute & a place to feel peaceful & strengthened (not just be freaked out cuz of how many SINGLE people there are), and realized: Church is becoming that same way for me.

I visited my Visiting Teaching girls, and had fun. Good conversations. Served in the temple cafeteria on Saturday, and had fun.

I'm getting excited about the prospect of dating some of the guys I have run into on a regular basis. Excited about working a regular day-shift job with weekends, evenings, and holidays off, while I'm single (I was always working shift-work before). Excited about the future, whatever it holds. & happy to be alive & be me & have all the opportunities I do.

It's great to feel normal again.

Holy-Hot-Tamales Great.

WHAT is disturbing your peace?

The last 2 weeks have been cantankerous for me. LOTS has disturbed my peace. The last few days have seemed to allow room for some resolution (or smoothing over at the very least) of some of the larger irritants. I'm sure it had to do some with me swallowing my pride, :) but I also think I finally realized what was going on.
I have been doused with ice-cold opportunities to check my humility. & in pinpointing what the purpose might be in all these things, I then had the choice of what to do with them, instead of just being hurt or annoyed or frustrated or angry (or, um, all of the above all of the time.)
Granted, just because I had a choice of what to do with it, didn't make it easy to suck up my irritation and be the first to ask about the building tension with my boss, go a little bit (I'm still working on it) past my hurt and ask Heavenly Father to help me forgive my earthly father for things which I have been offended by, allow forgiveness of self when a painful realization dawned, and allow a bunch of other things to roll off my back rather than keep them attached and burdening me with weight, pain, grief, frustration, and irritation. Really, there is a huge temptation in wanting to carry that weight because we feel like it justifies something. Silly. But real. It's hard to let go of a really justified grudge.
But it's so worth it. & I really needed a reminder and a chance to let the letting-go, turning-it-over-to-God, and genuine forgiveness (it's still a work in progress), all become powerful, noted, recent, and specific parts of my life and heart again. It's been a REALLY long time since I felt this bombarded with so many unfairnesses. Like High-School-long-time-ago. So I really am grateful for the pride-check and for the chance to really re-evaluate my current battles and expression of self when I get vocal while peeved.
I have to say thank you to my friends and family who have TRULY been my cushion which has kept me from breaking. Thank you for letting me vent my head and heart out to each of you. Every day. I cannot say thanks enough. Thanks for the understanding, the sympathy, the empathy, the sarcasm, the wit & humor, the laughs, the hugs, the wise advice and quiet, listening ear. You are my favorite people in the whole world, and THANK YOU for being your beautifully unique and insiring selves. Please know today, and every day, that you make a difference in my life.

I love you!

Prioritizing Toys

IPod (or equivalent)
Scanner/Printer
Digital Camera
Hiking Shoes
Hiking Backpack
4-5 different Christian Rock CD's
Tetris2 for the original NES

I've been considering buying these items for the last 2-12 months. Some recently, others for a long, long time. Really, though, my #1 priority is to get my car paid off (I'm close!!).
So each time I've gone to buy something lately, I've had to stop and reevaluate what is most important to me.
Today I picked up a CD with a song I love. I put it back and purchased what I went for - a birthday gift. Then I put a scanner/printer in my cart at Wal-Mart. And put it back. Then looked at digital cameras. And didn't buy one. Last night, I went online to buy new hiking shoes which won't tear my toes up when I hike the Grand Canyon in May. and there are Hiking Backpacks for 60-70% off right now. I didn't buy either thing. My roommate just bought a Zen (IPod-like toy) and it's incredibly enticing to get one of my own. I've been wanting Tetris2 so it's not just a 1-player game.
Walking out of Wal-Mart, I just shook my head, thinking "I've GOT to put priorities on my wish-list!!"
I forget how easy it can become to just decide to buy something NOW. I've got a credit card. I can pay it back later. It's no big deal.
*sigh* & then I realize that the things which bring me the greatest joy have always been things which cost little or no money. I also think back on my childhood, how we had to work and wait for the things we really wanted. & I'm incredibly appreciative for that lesson learned.

I think I have my list prioritized.

How would you rate them?

Complacency vs. Peace

The question I blogged about 2 posts ago popped into my head during a lesson on the 2nd Coming of our Savior - specifically during the topic of what is preventing us from fully preparing to be clean, worthy, and ready, and what is preventing us from doing that today.

I got a whole epiphany of how much complacency clouds the desire to fight for real, true, lasting peace. In fact, I determined that complacency is nothing less than a great tool of Satan, and even the antithesis of peace.

Complacency is what undermines peace. It is what takes your focus off of it. It tricks you into feeling just enough calm, that you don't stop to evaluate whether you are peaceful or just complacent. Complacency will allow someone to sit and do nothing while the world falls down, walls go up, foundations break apart, or any other number of catastrophes. It is scarier than the shock of war, because it causes us to feel safety in devastation's path.

It causes you to forget about peace.

We feel trusting enough to put ourselves in areas which would normally cause us to take precautions & make changes. When we are complacent, we don't even feel a need to evaluate whether precautions or changes need to be made. We take for granted that all is well and good, without stopping to question whether that is true at all.

WAR moves us. Complacency lulls us. Peace strengthens us. Complacency dulls us.

Don't believe me? Anytime there's a war, people react! We move. We take stands. Think about the effects on us after 9/11. Think about where we are today. More importantly, think about where YOU are today. Are you peaceful about the world's issues? Do you have peace that all will, in fact, be well? Is it a peace born of your faith and world being shaken and then solidified? Or are you complacent? Dulled? Lulled by time? Do you still fear? And if you still fear, do you believe that fear & peace cannot co-exist? Do you believe that peace could replace the fear - to whatever extent YOU choose to allow it?
Think about people racked with chronic diseases. Some become bitter, angry, afraid, isolated, and almost painful to even think of. Others become so inspirational, thoughtful, selfless, strong, and peaceful, that when you are with them they cause you to forget the pain & struggles they feel everyday, and you instead feel honored to know and interact with them. Does peace strengthen? Absolutely. True peace always strengthens.

So my next big question is:

Are you complacent? Or peaceful?

Do you WANT to be complacent? It doesn't require anything from you other than that you sit & stay & do nothing. You can carry on, exactly as is. It requires nothing from you. No change. Nothing. You are already there, and you need to do nothing more.
Or do you want to have PEACE? The real, solid, lasting calm which comes from faith & trust & which will sustain you during the most difficult times of your life.
One requires nothing from you & can rob you of all that you take for granted.
The other requires your heart, your willingness, your trust, and your effort. Peace does not come without work. In fact, one can never be truly peaceful without exerting effort & sacrifice. Amazingly, though, that effort & sacrifice become part of a joy which, when peace is a foundation to, is the greatest joy imaginable. It is joy beyond joys.
And it is real.

Now, MY reality is this: I still fear. I am still working & struggling to gain greater peace in my heart & life in SO many areas. World War III & Armageddon, (really, though, how these will affect ME & MY life). My future. Whether or not I'll be able to be happily married again. The road I will have to walk to get there, if so. Disease & epidemics. Can I be a good enough daughter? A good enough sister? A good enough friend? A good enough mother when & if the time ever comes? They all still scare me.

But I have more peace than I have ever had in my life. I believe that life is a journey of many kinds. Most of which we never tangibly see. This is one of my great journeys now. Peace vs. Complacency. I know I cannot address every detailed issue where this fight is waging, but I am adding strength to the ones which I know are important right now.

And I will also say, with all conviction of my heart:

Do NOT settle for complacency! PEACE is the true gift. (& one worth fighting for!!)

definition (def u nish un) n.

At the end of my previous blog, I wrote this line about the social aspect of my singles' ward:
"It's that other part that's so ... so UGH."

In re-reading my whiny blog : ), I wondered what the definition of UGH might be. & today it's completely different than it would have been then. (Thank goodness!)
I was thinking a lot about how difficult the Sunday PM experience was, & the agitation I felt, and I made it a goal to make this single's ward my place of growth. It's my 'testing ground' so to speak. It's not my place of solace & comfort (I could & actually DO have that in a family ward, but that's not where I feel I need to be). So it's my trial. My test. But not in the normal definitions. It's my place to take new steps, try new things, test new approaches - use as a trial run & testing ground. Trial & Test being verbs, not nouns, and verbs which I am acting out.

Honestly, so far that's exactly what I've been doing - I just haven't given it that name or official perspective. In the last day & a half, I have just basically changed the definition of what my role is & what the role of the ward is. I didn't really have a lot of expectations from the ward, but I think I had really underestimated the demands of the social world which comes with singles' life. I love going to church & feeling the Spirit. But I had forgotten how difficult it is to be actively, consistently social with a group of unknown faces & personalities. I haven't had to exert this kind of social & emotional readiness for several years. Being married allowed me a lot of emotional & social luxuries. & now I'm having to go back out & do a bunch of hard labor. It will exhaust me, but as long as I stick with it, I will strengthen and find joy & gratitude in it and for it.
I now see it as difficult. But very worthwhile. I am not in it with the purpose of obtaining anything from others. I am in it to give to others and gain experience...test my social interaction skills. I have specific goals. Hehe. (I get excited about this now.)

It's a new challenge. I have the opportunity to be in a place where I am still being tested & tried & pushed & stretched, and I get to find out how I'll respond. If I choose to be angry, annoyed, and judgemental, then I am choosing to miss out on those specific blessings I just blogged about in Precipice. I get to experiment with my faith & trust. Are there going to be really awkward, eye-crossing, want-to-die-or-kill-someone times? yep. Bring on the world of the guinea pig.

& I make a prediction: This ward will become a place of great joy & expression for me. It will be a place I look forward to being, and I will miss the people when I leave & move to Oregon. hehe
But this is not a place I am consigned to. The only place I am consigned to is my own heart & mind. & I choose today to work on making that better, joyfullier, and more peaceful.
(& I know it's technically more joyful. But joyfullier made me smile. Bigly.)

So today's definition of UGH is:

ugh (ug) n. 1. a challenge requiring great mental and emotional exertion in order to endure and overcome; a mountain to be conquered; a fight to be won.
2. an opportunity offering tremendous potential for growth and strengthening. 3. a gift.

Consigned

Okay. Seriously, for ANYONE who has had to endure the painful reality of singles' wards & the agonizing everything which has to be suffered through,

You understand what I'm about to rant about.

*sigh*
Singles' ward? Mental ward? Really, sometimes I feel like there is no difference.

It just is NOT fun - at all - to be thrust back into that cringe-causing buzz of 'oh-my-gosh-how-are-you-Eeeeee!!!'-ing & single guys & girls standing around with the overall expectation that somehow, the sexes will mingle and some will eventually fall in love and move on to marriage. & be OUT of the singles' ward. It's a common joke that a couple 'graduates' from the singles' ward when they get married & go to a family ward.
So I wonder - for those of us who have been married, or engaged, or in a serious relationship, are we now in remedial coursework? Special education for the relationship-inept? Did we deserve to get put here? & how is it that if we DIDN'T deserve to be here, that the stupid choices of others can still mandate that WE are sent back. & what about when a spouse or loved one dies? That's no one's fault. But someone still has to go back for remedial torture. There has GOT to be an easier way.

It honestly feels like this is a punishment course for people who haven't been able to succeed at finding or hanging onto the gift of marriage. There's still spirituality and definite reason to be at church - the church-aspect is still 100% there. It's the socialization that I find so aggravatingly annoying. & yes, it's both. aggravating & annoying.

& it's especially sucky to be 'new' in the ward.
"Oh, you're new, aren't you?" (yes) "Well, welcome." & they walk away.

yep. good to meet you, too.

The movie 'Singles Ward'? There is waaay too much stuff there, even in the background, that is so wearingly dead-on about entering a new singles' ward. I honestly don't know which part of the socialization is the worst: the being judged & 'chosen' or 'not chosen' based on looks, the striking-up conversation topics, the awkward weirdness after an obvious this-conversation-is-dead feeling, the hoplesness of feeling like there's no one here you want to meet (which is incredibly unfair & even hypocritical based on the 'chosen' or 'not chosen' comment), the intimidation of a conversation including 'I'm about to graduate in (or I'm working as an...) XYZ' which is something I've never heard of & as my roommate said 'is definitely out of my pay range', the annoying shrieking-girl syndrome, the strange-hovering-guy creepiness, the lack of acceptance & forgiveness which is present in existing friendships where you can say or do something stupid and/or totally out of your character & not be branded by it... *sigh* gosh, I don't know which one to pick as my favorite, they're all so...ugh.
It's all just rough to stand back & watch & even rougher to step in & be part of.

Even with all this, though, it's not really hitting on what I hate so much. In sitting here contemplating what the seed of agitation might be, I think it might be the fact that girls who seemingly 'have it together' much moreso than I do, are STILL SINGLE. & more maddening, they ARE NOT BEING PURSUED. Here they sit, still in a singles' ward, with their careers, their education, their polished looks, their homemaking skills, their kindness & spiritual strength obvious during conversation, AND HERE THEY SIT.
If THEY are not married, and are not being treated like the amazing, talented, and beautiful women they certainly are, then I wonder, How in the world is it possible to happen for me?

Now I also know this question stems from a personal inadequacy issue. I know that I have all I need to be loved and that I am, indeed, worthwhile & worth loving. Right now. Today. I don't need more schooling, I don't need a better-paying job, I don't need nicer clothes or a more stylish haircut. Right now.

But I DO feel a deep-rooted actual anger (& insecurity) because of the huge number of girls who are still unmarried and consigned to life in a singles' ward. & I recognize the lack of information I have concerning the guys, but they don't even seem 'matched' with the girls. & that just seems Unfair.

Now, on a positive note, I KNOW there can be great joy & fulfillment found in singles' wards. It has happened before. Granted, it was in a smaller community where there seemed to be a greater appreciation for each other & not an overall indifference. We were instant friends with others just because of common friends or common interests. It wasn't a painful interview or formal teeth-pulling situation. It was laid-back, easy-going, and even FUN. I wonder why it feels like there is so much WORK involved. & I wonder if it would be like this in every singles ward, if this ward is especially bad, or if it's just me. (but my roommate agrees that this activity tonight was painful...)

A couple of times, I have been at a singles' activity & caught myself thinking in the back of my head "...consigned to this awful state of misery." I laughed at the time. Now I want to vomit. It's real, not just a funny perspective. & it's my reality. Even more wanting to vomit.

third *sigh*
I AM grateful for the environment & opportunity for us SINGLE people to all congregate and spend time together worshipping. The worshipping part is actually extremely fulfilling.
It's that other part that's so ... so UGH.

Question posed:

A month or so ago, I was sitting in church & wondered

"What's the difference between complacency & peace?"

The more I thought about it, the more it intrigued me. I'm interested to know what YOU think about this before I share some of my ideas & perspectives.