NOT Normal.

At all. Or maybe... Maybe I am. But I don't feel like it!!

The last 2 months have been increasing difficult. Blah, blah, you know the drill. Whine, complain, vent, get aggrivated, get frustrated, cry a little bit, cry a lot, realize I've got non-stop PMS symptoms, fume a bit, get irritated that I'm irritable, feel lousy and exhausted, stay away from everyone, get frustrated that I'm a-social, work up the courage to go be social, be a bit more social but then hate that I have to be single and social all over again...
that's been me.

GRANTED, there HAVE been a few short, sweet moments of pleasantness and relief when it seems like a touch of my former-self has emerged. (Key word: >>short<< moments)
But they ARE there.

I don't really understand all the reasons that I've been a wreck all over again. I don't know if this is normal. It definitely does NOT feel normal to me. It's not in harmony with my overall personality, it's not in step with my habitual characteristics, and it's not what I WANT to be.

But it's there. It's me. I'm it.
I would attribute most of it to me being emotionally overwhelmed again. In a different way. Initially, when my world fell apart without any warning, I recognized that things would be tough. I knew I would be a mess. & I didn't expect anything different. I took it easy and laid low, trusting that things would settle & I would see my path of action to be taken.
NOW, though, it's been 8 months since my annullment was final, and I was truly improving steadily. I was ready to be social again, ready to find love again, ready for all the blah-blah-blah-goodness, even if it was difficult. I expected things to just be easier from now on. Why wouldn't they be??
Enter relationship/romance with wonderful new guy. End relationship/romance with wonderful new guy. Kind-of. We're still friends. Trying to find the right grounds for being friends but dealing with the array of stuff that's going on in both our hearts and heads, when I know he is not the guy for me to 'get serious' with but he isn't convinced that I'm right about that. Enter a HUGE trial of my faith in regards to answers to prayer (different issue than the guy-thing). Approach my 30th birthday and alllll the self-assessments that go along with realizing I've been on this earth for 30 YEARS and...what? Approach the anniversary of my personal D-day which happens to be less than 2 weeks after my 30th birthday. Already existing: continuous upheaval and drama at work through changes, changes, changes. Also already existing: doubts about whether I should change or remain where I live and where I work. The Plan of Action is no clearer than it was back then, and here I am, and what the HECK do I do?

It's like I have taken a HUGE leap backwards from progressing. Now, I DO know this isn't true. It just FEELS like it cuz my emotions are flip-flopping like a fish on the floor, freaking out & just wanting to be in their safe place again. It's like my emotional whirlwind is daily evolving into tornado-ish proponets at times and lulling into dead, still, unending tension in the air before the tornado resumes at other times. It sucks. I'm dealing with new issues in all areas of being single after being married. I'm getting annoyed that these problems currently exist in my personality & characteristics, & that they didn't used to be there. I'm irked that I seem less strong, less sure of myself, less able to fight my way through my battles.

Really, I do know I'm still progressing. I *think* I know :) that things aren't supposed to constantly be smooth sailing & easier terrain from the first 4 months. But to live through my experience so far, it just seemed like a fair assessment to expect to do better tomorrow than today, especially when I have been steadily DOING better progressively.

Wrong, I guess. When a serious physical injury is sustained and therapy is required, it's because healing has to occur and strength has to be rebuilt. And that process is slow (molasses slow), and steady, and you have to be gentle yet firm with yourself in your dedication to the program. If you try to alter any of those aspects, you're gonna pay a price. In writing this, I already know which one I'm suffering because of.

I DO recognize that just because I FEEL a certain way, doesn't make it true. I DO know that I am doing better this week than last, and that last week was better than the one before. I guess I shouldn't be the one to harshly determine where I SHOULD be versus simply where I am, and I should back off and allow myself to still be in a loss/trauma cycle.

I guess. ;)