Consigned

Okay. Seriously, for ANYONE who has had to endure the painful reality of singles' wards & the agonizing everything which has to be suffered through,

You understand what I'm about to rant about.

*sigh*
Singles' ward? Mental ward? Really, sometimes I feel like there is no difference.

It just is NOT fun - at all - to be thrust back into that cringe-causing buzz of 'oh-my-gosh-how-are-you-Eeeeee!!!'-ing & single guys & girls standing around with the overall expectation that somehow, the sexes will mingle and some will eventually fall in love and move on to marriage. & be OUT of the singles' ward. It's a common joke that a couple 'graduates' from the singles' ward when they get married & go to a family ward.
So I wonder - for those of us who have been married, or engaged, or in a serious relationship, are we now in remedial coursework? Special education for the relationship-inept? Did we deserve to get put here? & how is it that if we DIDN'T deserve to be here, that the stupid choices of others can still mandate that WE are sent back. & what about when a spouse or loved one dies? That's no one's fault. But someone still has to go back for remedial torture. There has GOT to be an easier way.

It honestly feels like this is a punishment course for people who haven't been able to succeed at finding or hanging onto the gift of marriage. There's still spirituality and definite reason to be at church - the church-aspect is still 100% there. It's the socialization that I find so aggravatingly annoying. & yes, it's both. aggravating & annoying.

& it's especially sucky to be 'new' in the ward.
"Oh, you're new, aren't you?" (yes) "Well, welcome." & they walk away.

yep. good to meet you, too.

The movie 'Singles Ward'? There is waaay too much stuff there, even in the background, that is so wearingly dead-on about entering a new singles' ward. I honestly don't know which part of the socialization is the worst: the being judged & 'chosen' or 'not chosen' based on looks, the striking-up conversation topics, the awkward weirdness after an obvious this-conversation-is-dead feeling, the hoplesness of feeling like there's no one here you want to meet (which is incredibly unfair & even hypocritical based on the 'chosen' or 'not chosen' comment), the intimidation of a conversation including 'I'm about to graduate in (or I'm working as an...) XYZ' which is something I've never heard of & as my roommate said 'is definitely out of my pay range', the annoying shrieking-girl syndrome, the strange-hovering-guy creepiness, the lack of acceptance & forgiveness which is present in existing friendships where you can say or do something stupid and/or totally out of your character & not be branded by it... *sigh* gosh, I don't know which one to pick as my favorite, they're all so...ugh.
It's all just rough to stand back & watch & even rougher to step in & be part of.

Even with all this, though, it's not really hitting on what I hate so much. In sitting here contemplating what the seed of agitation might be, I think it might be the fact that girls who seemingly 'have it together' much moreso than I do, are STILL SINGLE. & more maddening, they ARE NOT BEING PURSUED. Here they sit, still in a singles' ward, with their careers, their education, their polished looks, their homemaking skills, their kindness & spiritual strength obvious during conversation, AND HERE THEY SIT.
If THEY are not married, and are not being treated like the amazing, talented, and beautiful women they certainly are, then I wonder, How in the world is it possible to happen for me?

Now I also know this question stems from a personal inadequacy issue. I know that I have all I need to be loved and that I am, indeed, worthwhile & worth loving. Right now. Today. I don't need more schooling, I don't need a better-paying job, I don't need nicer clothes or a more stylish haircut. Right now.

But I DO feel a deep-rooted actual anger (& insecurity) because of the huge number of girls who are still unmarried and consigned to life in a singles' ward. & I recognize the lack of information I have concerning the guys, but they don't even seem 'matched' with the girls. & that just seems Unfair.

Now, on a positive note, I KNOW there can be great joy & fulfillment found in singles' wards. It has happened before. Granted, it was in a smaller community where there seemed to be a greater appreciation for each other & not an overall indifference. We were instant friends with others just because of common friends or common interests. It wasn't a painful interview or formal teeth-pulling situation. It was laid-back, easy-going, and even FUN. I wonder why it feels like there is so much WORK involved. & I wonder if it would be like this in every singles ward, if this ward is especially bad, or if it's just me. (but my roommate agrees that this activity tonight was painful...)

A couple of times, I have been at a singles' activity & caught myself thinking in the back of my head "...consigned to this awful state of misery." I laughed at the time. Now I want to vomit. It's real, not just a funny perspective. & it's my reality. Even more wanting to vomit.

third *sigh*
I AM grateful for the environment & opportunity for us SINGLE people to all congregate and spend time together worshipping. The worshipping part is actually extremely fulfilling.
It's that other part that's so ... so UGH.