3 months 'til . . . Christmas

It's September 25th. Exactly 3 months 'til Christmas . . . & about the length of time an annulment (or) divorce should take to become finalized.

I guess I can't help but sigh. A broken marriage, open-ended dreams laying in fragments on the floor of my heart and mind, an empty place next to myself, and a sorrow for the loss of my dear friend and husband who I believed in with all my heart and life.

But I'm also gaining a brand-new hope for tomorrow, devoid of the current sacrifices and bounds which existed in my current relationship. Open-ended dreams laying in fragments on the floor of my heart and mind, just waiting to be picked up and put together again, in an unknown beautiful arrangement of joy and hope. An adventure which is just beginning and which I must wade through the difficult days in order to stand free and whole on the top of a bright new tomorrow. A full and overflowing heart with the Spirit and the Love of my Heavenly Father who remembers me. And a gratitude for the experience I've had to love someone so fully, so completely, and so honestly, that I would have given my life for him any day and which I did give my life to, every day. A chance to actually BE in a relationship (NOT the crappy SINGLE WORLD!!) and work and grow and move together - to not run away, and not be left behind, but to be together overcoming and gaining strength and experience.

(Another sigh). 3 months. I catch myself thinking that I want to fast-forward. But I don't. Even in the midst of the struggles and difficulties, I'm proud to say I'm married. I'm proud to say I'm a wife and a helpmeet. I'm happy to still be in open communication with my estranged spouse. . . . and I'm not anxious to be 'officially' single again. Even though spiritually, emotionally, and physically I'm already there. I guess this is a kindness from the legal system for me right now (IS there such a thing??) I can ease out of the role I love (in some weird terminology-sort of way). :) and besides, I know I want to live the journey.

(3rd sigh). It's good to stand up for what I believe in, whatever the cost. & honestly, it's really nice to actually be at a point in my life (1st time for everything) where I truly believe I'm worth something really, really good and real. It's incredibly humbling to feel that way at the cost of so many precious outlooks, hopes, and dreams. But I am gaining a trust of, and comfort from, our Savior, which has never been so deep, so poignant, and so real to me.

I can't say the price was worth it, to realize and gain all this - that isn't even the right way to perceive this situation.
I can & will, though, say that it is the greatest consolation prize ever received for having lost so much.
Don't take it for granted.

(& by the way, my sister, I LOVE YOU!!! Thank You for You.)