Irony . . . filled with Wisdom
I find it a strange irony that today, Conference Sunday, which has been so fulfilling, uplifting, and reassuring . . . today is the day that I feel that I am beginning to bear the weight of my newfound world more on my own. I am beginning to be weaned from the Spirit's merciful strength and sustaining power, & am being allowed to begin carrying more, bit by bit, on my own shoulders and faith. It has to happen, I need to grow and stretch and become. Something different. Something stronger. Something more reliant on the Lord. With faith rather than just the comforting hand of the Lord.
That whole faith thing usually requires more of us than we want to give.
It's going to be really, really hard.
I sorrow (so deeply) for so many things which are now forever lost and other many things which I am beginning to dread. (I know...dread, fear...they're the antithesis of faith.) Tonight I began to feel (much moreso than before) the loss of my best friend. I wanted so much to call and talk to the best friend I had for 3 years. I wanted that person to still be with me.
Loss is hard.
I just don't want to be here. Ever felt like that? Ok - duh. Everyone has. EVERYone. *sigh*
There's a quote...about the pains you endure granting your heart a special place which allows others to come in & be healed. Thank you all again for your prayers, love, and faith. For many of you thinking of me even though I am a stranger. I am grateful beyond expression for what you do for me and I want you to know that I gain strength from you and your words.
Testimony is a beautiful thing which gives strength. I know that because even as I decided I needed to think about the many things I KNOW (rather than all the things I don't want to face) I felt peace and strength and my cheeks dried. My heart may still be weeping, but I prefer that to it drying up. : ) I know my Savior knows me and loves me. I know He will hold me in His hand. And I know He will be with me through this journey. I do not have to do it alone.
And I am sincerely grateful for a perfectly wise Eternal Father who knows all, and who, in His wisdom and love, knows the appropriate time to have His Son set me gently back on my own two feet again. (Even making sure I am sufficiently strengthened before it happened.)
I am grateful to walk this journey. I know I didn't come here to be carried the whole way, and I also know that if there is strength to be had, I want to earn it. (I'm not saying I want every trial and hardship - um, no.) But I just know, more now than ever, that I want to be the girl I'm meant to become. I want to learn what I need to in order to grow and expand, and I want to experience what I need to in order to refine my spirit, heart, and soul. I want to be the Lord's. Whatever and however He sees fit to get me there, I'll do it. I just have to remember to keep my faith & testimony close - closer than anything.
I am not alone. We never will be. And as I move forward, since it's impossible to be carried and gain what I need to, I can simply remember that God gave me hands to be held while I walk.
About Me
- bec
- I've been called a Brazen Pollyanna in the past which I take as a compliment. I'm stronger than I've given myself credit for but still need Heavenly Father's help so much. I believe life is good, (even a hard life) as long as integrity exists in the person living it. I love the wind in my face and feeling tiny in the midst of nature's grandeur. I'll reiterate again: Life is Good.
Our first baby steps are controlled and watched by our loving parents. Once they find out we can do it on our own they let as fall and scratch our knees. They helped us up, kissed us better, wiped our tears and lovinging told us "your okay."
ReplyDeleteBam-Bam was running on a neighbor's wall and fell off six times the other night (it was only a foot high.) He never cried. Angel-face took a spill from the same wall and was much more seriously hurt, scratches on every limb. It gets worse as you get further from the ground.
I am grateful you know the Savior and recognize His arm around you, His consoling words, and His tender hand wiping the tears from your eyes.
As a twin of a brother-in-law I am most definately on the "I don't have to listen to this guy" list. Feel free to take or ignore my sage (more of a cinnamin or nutmeg) advise from two quotes I refer to whenever I face adversity.
ReplyDeleteThe first one I attribute to a high school football coach - "When you try and fall flat on your face, you still moved forward 6 feet"
The second one is from the movie Far and Away (I know it is somewhat of a chick flick but I can blame this knowledge on my wife right?) - "You should pretend like you are starting out in life, not ending up."
I am truly sorry for the trials you have had to endure and I know it is difficult to move forward but from my limited interaction with you, I know you can do it with the Lord's help. I mean, really, how many people would have looked at a living room closet and saw a housing opportunity and a path forward? It is that same "glass half full" spirit that will see you through these trials.