Prioritizing Toys
IPod (or equivalent)
Scanner/Printer
Digital Camera
Hiking Shoes
Hiking Backpack
4-5 different Christian Rock CD's
Tetris2 for the original NES
I've been considering buying these items for the last 2-12 months. Some recently, others for a long, long time. Really, though, my #1 priority is to get my car paid off (I'm close!!).
So each time I've gone to buy something lately, I've had to stop and reevaluate what is most important to me.
Today I picked up a CD with a song I love. I put it back and purchased what I went for - a birthday gift. Then I put a scanner/printer in my cart at Wal-Mart. And put it back. Then looked at digital cameras. And didn't buy one. Last night, I went online to buy new hiking shoes which won't tear my toes up when I hike the Grand Canyon in May. and there are Hiking Backpacks for 60-70% off right now. I didn't buy either thing. My roommate just bought a Zen (IPod-like toy) and it's incredibly enticing to get one of my own. I've been wanting Tetris2 so it's not just a 1-player game.
Walking out of Wal-Mart, I just shook my head, thinking "I've GOT to put priorities on my wish-list!!"
I forget how easy it can become to just decide to buy something NOW. I've got a credit card. I can pay it back later. It's no big deal.
*sigh* & then I realize that the things which bring me the greatest joy have always been things which cost little or no money. I also think back on my childhood, how we had to work and wait for the things we really wanted. & I'm incredibly appreciative for that lesson learned.
I think I have my list prioritized.
How would you rate them?
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Complacency vs. Peace
The question I blogged about 2 posts ago popped into my head during a lesson on the 2nd Coming of our Savior - specifically during the topic of what is preventing us from fully preparing to be clean, worthy, and ready, and what is preventing us from doing that today.
I got a whole epiphany of how much complacency clouds the desire to fight for real, true, lasting peace. In fact, I determined that complacency is nothing less than a great tool of Satan, and even the antithesis of peace.
Complacency is what undermines peace. It is what takes your focus off of it. It tricks you into feeling just enough calm, that you don't stop to evaluate whether you are peaceful or just complacent. Complacency will allow someone to sit and do nothing while the world falls down, walls go up, foundations break apart, or any other number of catastrophes. It is scarier than the shock of war, because it causes us to feel safety in devastation's path.
WAR moves us. Complacency lulls us. Peace strengthens us. Complacency dulls us.
Don't believe me? Anytime there's a war, people react! We move. We take stands. Think about the effects on us after 9/11. Think about where we are today. More importantly, think about where YOU are today. Are you peaceful about the world's issues? Do you have peace that all will, in fact, be well? Is it a peace born of your faith and world being shaken and then solidified? Or are you complacent? Dulled? Lulled by time? Do you still fear? And if you still fear, do you believe that fear & peace cannot co-exist? Do you believe that peace could replace the fear - to whatever extent YOU choose to allow it?
Think about people racked with chronic diseases. Some become bitter, angry, afraid, isolated, and almost painful to even think of. Others become so inspirational, thoughtful, selfless, strong, and peaceful, that when you are with them they cause you to forget the pain & struggles they feel everyday, and you instead feel honored to know and interact with them. Does peace strengthen? Absolutely. True peace always strengthens.
So my next big question is:
Are you complacent? Or peaceful?
Do you WANT to be complacent? It doesn't require anything from you other than that you sit & stay & do nothing. You can carry on, exactly as is. It requires nothing from you. No change. Nothing. You are already there, and you need to do nothing more.
Or do you want to have PEACE? The real, solid, lasting calm which comes from faith & trust & which will sustain you during the most difficult times of your life.
One requires nothing from you & can rob you of all that you take for granted.
The other requires your heart, your willingness, your trust, and your effort. Peace does not come without work. In fact, one can never be truly peaceful without exerting effort & sacrifice. Amazingly, though, that effort & sacrifice become part of a joy which, when peace is a foundation to, is the greatest joy imaginable. It is joy beyond joys.
And it is real.
Now, MY reality is this: I still fear. I am still working & struggling to gain greater peace in my heart & life in SO many areas. World War III & Armageddon, (really, though, how these will affect ME & MY life). My future. Whether or not I'll be able to be happily married again. The road I will have to walk to get there, if so. Disease & epidemics. Can I be a good enough daughter? A good enough sister? A good enough friend? A good enough mother when & if the time ever comes? They all still scare me.
But I have more peace than I have ever had in my life. I believe that life is a journey of many kinds. Most of which we never tangibly see. This is one of my great journeys now. Peace vs. Complacency. I know I cannot address every detailed issue where this fight is waging, but I am adding strength to the ones which I know are important right now.
And I will also say, with all conviction of my heart:
Do NOT settle for complacency! PEACE is the true gift. (& one worth fighting for!!)
The question I blogged about 2 posts ago popped into my head during a lesson on the 2nd Coming of our Savior - specifically during the topic of what is preventing us from fully preparing to be clean, worthy, and ready, and what is preventing us from doing that today.
I got a whole epiphany of how much complacency clouds the desire to fight for real, true, lasting peace. In fact, I determined that complacency is nothing less than a great tool of Satan, and even the antithesis of peace.
Complacency is what undermines peace. It is what takes your focus off of it. It tricks you into feeling just enough calm, that you don't stop to evaluate whether you are peaceful or just complacent. Complacency will allow someone to sit and do nothing while the world falls down, walls go up, foundations break apart, or any other number of catastrophes. It is scarier than the shock of war, because it causes us to feel safety in devastation's path.
It causes you to forget about peace.
We feel trusting enough to put ourselves in areas which would normally cause us to take precautions & make changes. When we are complacent, we don't even feel a need to evaluate whether precautions or changes need to be made. We take for granted that all is well and good, without stopping to question whether that is true at all.WAR moves us. Complacency lulls us. Peace strengthens us. Complacency dulls us.
Don't believe me? Anytime there's a war, people react! We move. We take stands. Think about the effects on us after 9/11. Think about where we are today. More importantly, think about where YOU are today. Are you peaceful about the world's issues? Do you have peace that all will, in fact, be well? Is it a peace born of your faith and world being shaken and then solidified? Or are you complacent? Dulled? Lulled by time? Do you still fear? And if you still fear, do you believe that fear & peace cannot co-exist? Do you believe that peace could replace the fear - to whatever extent YOU choose to allow it?
Think about people racked with chronic diseases. Some become bitter, angry, afraid, isolated, and almost painful to even think of. Others become so inspirational, thoughtful, selfless, strong, and peaceful, that when you are with them they cause you to forget the pain & struggles they feel everyday, and you instead feel honored to know and interact with them. Does peace strengthen? Absolutely. True peace always strengthens.
So my next big question is:
Are you complacent? Or peaceful?
Do you WANT to be complacent? It doesn't require anything from you other than that you sit & stay & do nothing. You can carry on, exactly as is. It requires nothing from you. No change. Nothing. You are already there, and you need to do nothing more.
Or do you want to have PEACE? The real, solid, lasting calm which comes from faith & trust & which will sustain you during the most difficult times of your life.
One requires nothing from you & can rob you of all that you take for granted.
The other requires your heart, your willingness, your trust, and your effort. Peace does not come without work. In fact, one can never be truly peaceful without exerting effort & sacrifice. Amazingly, though, that effort & sacrifice become part of a joy which, when peace is a foundation to, is the greatest joy imaginable. It is joy beyond joys.
And it is real.
Now, MY reality is this: I still fear. I am still working & struggling to gain greater peace in my heart & life in SO many areas. World War III & Armageddon, (really, though, how these will affect ME & MY life). My future. Whether or not I'll be able to be happily married again. The road I will have to walk to get there, if so. Disease & epidemics. Can I be a good enough daughter? A good enough sister? A good enough friend? A good enough mother when & if the time ever comes? They all still scare me.
But I have more peace than I have ever had in my life. I believe that life is a journey of many kinds. Most of which we never tangibly see. This is one of my great journeys now. Peace vs. Complacency. I know I cannot address every detailed issue where this fight is waging, but I am adding strength to the ones which I know are important right now.
And I will also say, with all conviction of my heart:
Do NOT settle for complacency! PEACE is the true gift. (& one worth fighting for!!)
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
definition (def u nish un) n.
At the end of my previous blog, I wrote this line about the social aspect of my singles' ward:
"It's that other part that's so ... so UGH."
In re-reading my whiny blog : ), I wondered what the definition of UGH might be. & today it's completely different than it would have been then. (Thank goodness!)
I was thinking a lot about how difficult the Sunday PM experience was, & the agitation I felt, and I made it a goal to make this single's ward my place of growth. It's my 'testing ground' so to speak. It's not my place of solace & comfort (I could & actually DO have that in a family ward, but that's not where I feel I need to be). So it's my trial. My test. But not in the normal definitions. It's my place to take new steps, try new things, test new approaches - use as a trial run & testing ground. Trial & Test being verbs, not nouns, and verbs which I am acting out.
Honestly, so far that's exactly what I've been doing - I just haven't given it that name or official perspective. In the last day & a half, I have just basically changed the definition of what my role is & what the role of the ward is. I didn't really have a lot of expectations from the ward, but I think I had really underestimated the demands of the social world which comes with singles' life. I love going to church & feeling the Spirit. But I had forgotten how difficult it is to be actively, consistently social with a group of unknown faces & personalities. I haven't had to exert this kind of social & emotional readiness for several years. Being married allowed me a lot of emotional & social luxuries. & now I'm having to go back out & do a bunch of hard labor. It will exhaust me, but as long as I stick with it, I will strengthen and find joy & gratitude in it and for it.
I now see it as difficult. But very worthwhile. I am not in it with the purpose of obtaining anything from others. I am in it to give to others and gain experience...test my social interaction skills. I have specific goals. Hehe. (I get excited about this now.)
It's a new challenge. I have the opportunity to be in a place where I am still being tested & tried & pushed & stretched, and I get to find out how I'll respond. If I choose to be angry, annoyed, and judgemental, then I am choosing to miss out on those specific blessings I just blogged about in Precipice. I get to experiment with my faith & trust. Are there going to be really awkward, eye-crossing, want-to-die-or-kill-someone times? yep. Bring on the world of the guinea pig.
& I make a prediction: This ward will become a place of great joy & expression for me. It will be a place I look forward to being, and I will miss the people when I leave & move to Oregon. hehe
But this is not a place I am consigned to. The only place I am consigned to is my own heart & mind. & I choose today to work on making that better, joyfullier, and more peaceful.
(& I know it's technically more joyful. But joyfullier made me smile. Bigly.)
So today's definition of UGH is:
ugh (ug) n. 1. a challenge requiring great mental and emotional exertion in order to endure and overcome; a mountain to be conquered; a fight to be won.
2. an opportunity offering tremendous potential for growth and strengthening. 3. a gift.
At the end of my previous blog, I wrote this line about the social aspect of my singles' ward:
"It's that other part that's so ... so UGH."
In re-reading my whiny blog : ), I wondered what the definition of UGH might be. & today it's completely different than it would have been then. (Thank goodness!)
I was thinking a lot about how difficult the Sunday PM experience was, & the agitation I felt, and I made it a goal to make this single's ward my place of growth. It's my 'testing ground' so to speak. It's not my place of solace & comfort (I could & actually DO have that in a family ward, but that's not where I feel I need to be). So it's my trial. My test. But not in the normal definitions. It's my place to take new steps, try new things, test new approaches - use as a trial run & testing ground. Trial & Test being verbs, not nouns, and verbs which I am acting out.
Honestly, so far that's exactly what I've been doing - I just haven't given it that name or official perspective. In the last day & a half, I have just basically changed the definition of what my role is & what the role of the ward is. I didn't really have a lot of expectations from the ward, but I think I had really underestimated the demands of the social world which comes with singles' life. I love going to church & feeling the Spirit. But I had forgotten how difficult it is to be actively, consistently social with a group of unknown faces & personalities. I haven't had to exert this kind of social & emotional readiness for several years. Being married allowed me a lot of emotional & social luxuries. & now I'm having to go back out & do a bunch of hard labor. It will exhaust me, but as long as I stick with it, I will strengthen and find joy & gratitude in it and for it.
I now see it as difficult. But very worthwhile. I am not in it with the purpose of obtaining anything from others. I am in it to give to others and gain experience...test my social interaction skills. I have specific goals. Hehe. (I get excited about this now.)
It's a new challenge. I have the opportunity to be in a place where I am still being tested & tried & pushed & stretched, and I get to find out how I'll respond. If I choose to be angry, annoyed, and judgemental, then I am choosing to miss out on those specific blessings I just blogged about in Precipice. I get to experiment with my faith & trust. Are there going to be really awkward, eye-crossing, want-to-die-or-kill-someone times? yep. Bring on the world of the guinea pig.
& I make a prediction: This ward will become a place of great joy & expression for me. It will be a place I look forward to being, and I will miss the people when I leave & move to Oregon. hehe
But this is not a place I am consigned to. The only place I am consigned to is my own heart & mind. & I choose today to work on making that better, joyfullier, and more peaceful.
(& I know it's technically more joyful. But joyfullier made me smile. Bigly.)
So today's definition of UGH is:
ugh (ug) n. 1. a challenge requiring great mental and emotional exertion in order to endure and overcome; a mountain to be conquered; a fight to be won.
2. an opportunity offering tremendous potential for growth and strengthening. 3. a gift.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Consigned
Okay. Seriously, for ANYONE who has had to endure the painful reality of singles' wards & the agonizing everything which has to be suffered through,
*sigh*
Singles' ward? Mental ward? Really, sometimes I feel like there is no difference.
It just is NOT fun - at all - to be thrust back into that cringe-causing buzz of 'oh-my-gosh-how-are-you-Eeeeee!!!'-ing & single guys & girls standing around with the overall expectation that somehow, the sexes will mingle and some will eventually fall in love and move on to marriage. & be OUT of the singles' ward. It's a common joke that a couple 'graduates' from the singles' ward when they get married & go to a family ward.
So I wonder - for those of us who have been married, or engaged, or in a serious relationship, are we now in remedial coursework? Special education for the relationship-inept? Did we deserve to get put here? & how is it that if we DIDN'T deserve to be here, that the stupid choices of others can still mandate that WE are sent back. & what about when a spouse or loved one dies? That's no one's fault. But someone still has to go back for remedial torture. There has GOT to be an easier way.
It honestly feels like this is a punishment course for people who haven't been able to succeed at finding or hanging onto the gift of marriage. There's still spirituality and definite reason to be at church - the church-aspect is still 100% there. It's the socialization that I find so aggravatingly annoying. & yes, it's both. aggravating & annoying.
& it's especially sucky to be 'new' in the ward.
"Oh, you're new, aren't you?" (yes) "Well, welcome." & they walk away.
It's all just rough to stand back & watch & even rougher to step in & be part of.
Even with all this, though, it's not really hitting on what I hate so much. In sitting here contemplating what the seed of agitation might be, I think it might be the fact that girls who seemingly 'have it together' much moreso than I do, are STILL SINGLE. & more maddening, they ARE NOT BEING PURSUED. Here they sit, still in a singles' ward, with their careers, their education, their polished looks, their homemaking skills, their kindness & spiritual strength obvious during conversation, AND HERE THEY SIT.
If THEY are not married, and are not being treated like the amazing, talented, and beautiful women they certainly are, then I wonder, How in the world is it possible to happen for me?
Now I also know this question stems from a personal inadequacy issue. I know that I have all I need to be loved and that I am, indeed, worthwhile & worth loving. Right now. Today. I don't need more schooling, I don't need a better-paying job, I don't need nicer clothes or a more stylish haircut. Right now.
But I DO feel a deep-rooted actual anger (& insecurity) because of the huge number of girls who are still unmarried and consigned to life in a singles' ward. & I recognize the lack of information I have concerning the guys, but they don't even seem 'matched' with the girls. & that just seems Unfair.
Now, on a positive note, I KNOW there can be great joy & fulfillment found in singles' wards. It has happened before. Granted, it was in a smaller community where there seemed to be a greater appreciation for each other & not an overall indifference. We were instant friends with others just because of common friends or common interests. It wasn't a painful interview or formal teeth-pulling situation. It was laid-back, easy-going, and even FUN. I wonder why it feels like there is so much WORK involved. & I wonder if it would be like this in every singles ward, if this ward is especially bad, or if it's just me. (but my roommate agrees that this activity tonight was painful...)
A couple of times, I have been at a singles' activity & caught myself thinking in the back of my head "...consigned to this awful state of misery." I laughed at the time. Now I want to vomit. It's real, not just a funny perspective. & it's my reality. Even more wanting to vomit.
third *sigh*
I AM grateful for the environment & opportunity for us SINGLE people to all congregate and spend time together worshipping. The worshipping part is actually extremely fulfilling.
It's that other part that's so ... so UGH.
Okay. Seriously, for ANYONE who has had to endure the painful reality of singles' wards & the agonizing everything which has to be suffered through,
You understand what I'm about to rant about.
*sigh*
Singles' ward? Mental ward? Really, sometimes I feel like there is no difference.
It just is NOT fun - at all - to be thrust back into that cringe-causing buzz of 'oh-my-gosh-how-are-you-Eeeeee!!!'-ing & single guys & girls standing around with the overall expectation that somehow, the sexes will mingle and some will eventually fall in love and move on to marriage. & be OUT of the singles' ward. It's a common joke that a couple 'graduates' from the singles' ward when they get married & go to a family ward.
So I wonder - for those of us who have been married, or engaged, or in a serious relationship, are we now in remedial coursework? Special education for the relationship-inept? Did we deserve to get put here? & how is it that if we DIDN'T deserve to be here, that the stupid choices of others can still mandate that WE are sent back. & what about when a spouse or loved one dies? That's no one's fault. But someone still has to go back for remedial torture. There has GOT to be an easier way.
It honestly feels like this is a punishment course for people who haven't been able to succeed at finding or hanging onto the gift of marriage. There's still spirituality and definite reason to be at church - the church-aspect is still 100% there. It's the socialization that I find so aggravatingly annoying. & yes, it's both. aggravating & annoying.
& it's especially sucky to be 'new' in the ward.
"Oh, you're new, aren't you?" (yes) "Well, welcome." & they walk away.
yep. good to meet you, too.
The movie 'Singles Ward'? There is waaay too much stuff there, even in the background, that is so wearingly dead-on about entering a new singles' ward. I honestly don't know which part of the socialization is the worst: the being judged & 'chosen' or 'not chosen' based on looks, the striking-up conversation topics, the awkward weirdness after an obvious this-conversation-is-dead feeling, the hoplesness of feeling like there's no one here you want to meet (which is incredibly unfair & even hypocritical based on the 'chosen' or 'not chosen' comment), the intimidation of a conversation including 'I'm about to graduate in (or I'm working as an...) XYZ' which is something I've never heard of & as my roommate said 'is definitely out of my pay range', the annoying shrieking-girl syndrome, the strange-hovering-guy creepiness, the lack of acceptance & forgiveness which is present in existing friendships where you can say or do something stupid and/or totally out of your character & not be branded by it... *sigh* gosh, I don't know which one to pick as my favorite, they're all so...ugh.It's all just rough to stand back & watch & even rougher to step in & be part of.
Even with all this, though, it's not really hitting on what I hate so much. In sitting here contemplating what the seed of agitation might be, I think it might be the fact that girls who seemingly 'have it together' much moreso than I do, are STILL SINGLE. & more maddening, they ARE NOT BEING PURSUED. Here they sit, still in a singles' ward, with their careers, their education, their polished looks, their homemaking skills, their kindness & spiritual strength obvious during conversation, AND HERE THEY SIT.
If THEY are not married, and are not being treated like the amazing, talented, and beautiful women they certainly are, then I wonder, How in the world is it possible to happen for me?
Now I also know this question stems from a personal inadequacy issue. I know that I have all I need to be loved and that I am, indeed, worthwhile & worth loving. Right now. Today. I don't need more schooling, I don't need a better-paying job, I don't need nicer clothes or a more stylish haircut. Right now.
But I DO feel a deep-rooted actual anger (& insecurity) because of the huge number of girls who are still unmarried and consigned to life in a singles' ward. & I recognize the lack of information I have concerning the guys, but they don't even seem 'matched' with the girls. & that just seems Unfair.
Now, on a positive note, I KNOW there can be great joy & fulfillment found in singles' wards. It has happened before. Granted, it was in a smaller community where there seemed to be a greater appreciation for each other & not an overall indifference. We were instant friends with others just because of common friends or common interests. It wasn't a painful interview or formal teeth-pulling situation. It was laid-back, easy-going, and even FUN. I wonder why it feels like there is so much WORK involved. & I wonder if it would be like this in every singles ward, if this ward is especially bad, or if it's just me. (but my roommate agrees that this activity tonight was painful...)
A couple of times, I have been at a singles' activity & caught myself thinking in the back of my head "...consigned to this awful state of misery." I laughed at the time. Now I want to vomit. It's real, not just a funny perspective. & it's my reality. Even more wanting to vomit.
third *sigh*
I AM grateful for the environment & opportunity for us SINGLE people to all congregate and spend time together worshipping. The worshipping part is actually extremely fulfilling.
It's that other part that's so ... so UGH.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Precipice
December 31st. A countdown to a new year's beginning. New goals and resolutions for the next 365 days. New calendars. New hopes.
I know we each have various new beginnings in our lives which have nothing to do with the date. I am so grateful to have had those in my own life this last year, however difficult they have been.
I know Thanksgiving has passed, but I would like to continue in the spirit of gratitude and acknowledge a few more things I am deeply grateful for.
Faith. & not just any faith, but the specific faith I have the priviledge of holding in my heart this very day & hour. I am not afraid of my future, even the difficult parts which no doubt will continue to come. I know that I am loved. That I am cared for. That I belong. & for all of you who know even the smallest portion of my life and the underlying struggles which have vexed this heart of mine for many years, I know you will understand the miracle of those 3 new truths I have gained.
Change. Were it not for change, there would be no growth. Stagnancy would be our past, present, and future. Change keeps us on our toes as I'm sure my grandmother would say. It keeps us in motion; alert, strong, and capable. & I am not only grateful for the uncontrollable changes which we must adapt and respond to, but I am grateful for the power we each have within ourselves to make a change. To change outside things, or change ourselves inwardly. I am grateful for the element and ability of change.
Trust. While I know there should be a deep trust issue resounding in my heart, I find it beautifully ironic that the reason I don't is because I, myself, am trustworthy. And also that I still genuinely exercise trust. I trust in a God who is so perfect, so loving, and so good, that there is no room to question whether the universe holds goodness and light ahead for each of us. It absolutely does.
Trials of Faith. This is really just an extension of Change. But there is something specific here which is different. First of all, anyone can go through change. But in order to go through a trial of faith, one must first possess Faith. Faith in anything. But faith must be present. And this trial is a priceless opportunity to strengthen your faith, which in itself is a priceless gift. An opportunity to deepen and increase value on something already dear and precious and priceless to us. The opportunities are unique. Rare. And should be properly respected. No two trials will give the same results. They will strengthen different areas, refine different characteristics, bring unique understandings, perspectives, beauties, and joys. But, like snowflakes, you will never find two which will be exactly the same, or yield the same specific gifts. They are bonus rounds with so much to be gained. And once you have the right perspective, understanding, and strategy, they can even be celebrated. Not for the pain, heartaches, and grief involved, but for sweet, sweet blessings which are yours to be had for the experiencing, which will never, ever leave your heart and foundational testimony. I love the way Paul in the New Testament states:
My strength is perfect in weakness. Most glady therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
A New Year.
I am so honored to be where I am today, and to have 2007 ahead of me, perfect in the beauty of it being whatever I choose to make of it for myself. I am honored to be a member of a family who loves me, deeper than I know. And to have friends and influences who become my extended family and who also love me more than I know.
And I am honored to have a heart which was born to love, and to feel.
Thank you to each of you who have been a part of my life and heart this last year. May the New Year bring great joys and blessings to each of your hearts and lives!
God bless you!! (every one!) : )
December 31st. A countdown to a new year's beginning. New goals and resolutions for the next 365 days. New calendars. New hopes.
A fresh start.
I know we each have various new beginnings in our lives which have nothing to do with the date. I am so grateful to have had those in my own life this last year, however difficult they have been.
I know Thanksgiving has passed, but I would like to continue in the spirit of gratitude and acknowledge a few more things I am deeply grateful for.
Faith. & not just any faith, but the specific faith I have the priviledge of holding in my heart this very day & hour. I am not afraid of my future, even the difficult parts which no doubt will continue to come. I know that I am loved. That I am cared for. That I belong. & for all of you who know even the smallest portion of my life and the underlying struggles which have vexed this heart of mine for many years, I know you will understand the miracle of those 3 new truths I have gained.
Change. Were it not for change, there would be no growth. Stagnancy would be our past, present, and future. Change keeps us on our toes as I'm sure my grandmother would say. It keeps us in motion; alert, strong, and capable. & I am not only grateful for the uncontrollable changes which we must adapt and respond to, but I am grateful for the power we each have within ourselves to make a change. To change outside things, or change ourselves inwardly. I am grateful for the element and ability of change.
Trust. While I know there should be a deep trust issue resounding in my heart, I find it beautifully ironic that the reason I don't is because I, myself, am trustworthy. And also that I still genuinely exercise trust. I trust in a God who is so perfect, so loving, and so good, that there is no room to question whether the universe holds goodness and light ahead for each of us. It absolutely does.
Trials of Faith. This is really just an extension of Change. But there is something specific here which is different. First of all, anyone can go through change. But in order to go through a trial of faith, one must first possess Faith. Faith in anything. But faith must be present. And this trial is a priceless opportunity to strengthen your faith, which in itself is a priceless gift. An opportunity to deepen and increase value on something already dear and precious and priceless to us. The opportunities are unique. Rare. And should be properly respected. No two trials will give the same results. They will strengthen different areas, refine different characteristics, bring unique understandings, perspectives, beauties, and joys. But, like snowflakes, you will never find two which will be exactly the same, or yield the same specific gifts. They are bonus rounds with so much to be gained. And once you have the right perspective, understanding, and strategy, they can even be celebrated. Not for the pain, heartaches, and grief involved, but for sweet, sweet blessings which are yours to be had for the experiencing, which will never, ever leave your heart and foundational testimony. I love the way Paul in the New Testament states:
My strength is perfect in weakness. Most glady therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
A New Year.
I am so honored to be where I am today, and to have 2007 ahead of me, perfect in the beauty of it being whatever I choose to make of it for myself. I am honored to be a member of a family who loves me, deeper than I know. And to have friends and influences who become my extended family and who also love me more than I know.
And I am honored to have a heart which was born to love, and to feel.
Thank you to each of you who have been a part of my life and heart this last year. May the New Year bring great joys and blessings to each of your hearts and lives!
God bless you!! (every one!) : )
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Over
The annulment is finalized. Name changes have been made for the most part. In-laws have been said goodbye to. New driver's license. New social security card. New name plate at work.
Emotionally it's been rough - I feel zoned out. a lot. Physically, my body is crashing after being on high-alert for so long, so I'm exhausted. a lot.
I've been given wise advice to actually avoid anyone who is going through or has gone through a similar issue (divorce/annulment/similar-type issues which have been involved) and this is to allow me to HEAL. Healthily. Not taking on someone else's issues & negative emotions when I am simply needing to heal from my own trauma. 6 months' time. No relationships. Just healing. Dating is fine. Relationships not allowed.
Before I received the advice, I didn't really know where I stood on all these decisions. They were 'there'. But once they were suggested, I immediately recognized the wisdom in them. While a part of me will be drawn (& will draw) those in similar circumstances, that is not where I need to be & what I need to be doing right now. I need to learn how to accomodate healing & allow myself the chance to heal fully. Kindly. Securely. Safely.
No roller-coasters of emotions & circumstance. No room for re-heartbreak & pain. Just a place where I am dedicated to those things which give me peace, joy, and fulfillment. 6 months. Not a time to waver & make exceptions to the rule. Not a time to experiment & see if it really works or not. But a time to have ultimate trust in my God, myself, and those who have much more expertise in this area than I do. & in starting this journey of healing, I will then be able to not only heal as a stronger, brighter, better person, but I can also help others to know how to heal.
Exciting, I must say.
I gain great joy & peace & hope in the knowledge that my heart will be somewhere safe & secure & protected. NO-FEAR-type feeling. & knowing that after those 6 months are finished, I will have gained additional great strength & promise for the future. With no additional relationship scars, wounds, or bruises to hinder my emotional well-being.
Knowing is the first part, believing is the second, doing is the third, and enduring is the fourth. All good things!!
The annulment is finalized. Name changes have been made for the most part. In-laws have been said goodbye to. New driver's license. New social security card. New name plate at work.
Emotionally it's been rough - I feel zoned out. a lot. Physically, my body is crashing after being on high-alert for so long, so I'm exhausted. a lot.
I've been given wise advice to actually avoid anyone who is going through or has gone through a similar issue (divorce/annulment/similar-type issues which have been involved) and this is to allow me to HEAL. Healthily. Not taking on someone else's issues & negative emotions when I am simply needing to heal from my own trauma. 6 months' time. No relationships. Just healing. Dating is fine. Relationships not allowed.
Before I received the advice, I didn't really know where I stood on all these decisions. They were 'there'. But once they were suggested, I immediately recognized the wisdom in them. While a part of me will be drawn (& will draw) those in similar circumstances, that is not where I need to be & what I need to be doing right now. I need to learn how to accomodate healing & allow myself the chance to heal fully. Kindly. Securely. Safely.
No roller-coasters of emotions & circumstance. No room for re-heartbreak & pain. Just a place where I am dedicated to those things which give me peace, joy, and fulfillment. 6 months. Not a time to waver & make exceptions to the rule. Not a time to experiment & see if it really works or not. But a time to have ultimate trust in my God, myself, and those who have much more expertise in this area than I do. & in starting this journey of healing, I will then be able to not only heal as a stronger, brighter, better person, but I can also help others to know how to heal.
Exciting, I must say.
I gain great joy & peace & hope in the knowledge that my heart will be somewhere safe & secure & protected. NO-FEAR-type feeling. & knowing that after those 6 months are finished, I will have gained additional great strength & promise for the future. With no additional relationship scars, wounds, or bruises to hinder my emotional well-being.
Knowing is the first part, believing is the second, doing is the third, and enduring is the fourth. All good things!!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
24
My countdown started this afternoon of my 24 hours 'til my court hearing begins & I will be officially single again. & re-maiden-named. & wedding-ring-less on my finger. and un-Mrs-ed. and have to use the term 'ex' or 'previous' when talking about my husband. & work on stopping talking about my ex/previous husband. & changing my last name, everywhere.
I've been so freakishly exhausted mentally lately, that I feel like I don't even address the stuff that's going through my head. Auto-pilot is my salvation.
What I do know, though, is that I am looking forward to going back to the temple when it reopens. I'm looking forward to being with my sister & her family, and having someone wonderful to accompany me through the drudgery of getting a new SS card & driver's license. I'm looking forward to reading scriptures tonight & getting swallowed in the stories & lessons therein. I'm looking forward to praying to my Heavenly Father. I'm looking forward to resting. I'm looking forward to moving further forward & moving on. I'm looking forward to being able to look back & feel peace for the way I handled things. I'm looking forward to discovering what is in store for me in my future. & I'm looking forward to hope being in my heart & life even more than it is now.
My countdown started this afternoon of my 24 hours 'til my court hearing begins & I will be officially single again. & re-maiden-named. & wedding-ring-less on my finger. and un-Mrs-ed. and have to use the term 'ex' or 'previous' when talking about my husband. & work on stopping talking about my ex/previous husband. & changing my last name, everywhere.
I've been so freakishly exhausted mentally lately, that I feel like I don't even address the stuff that's going through my head. Auto-pilot is my salvation.
What I do know, though, is that I am looking forward to going back to the temple when it reopens. I'm looking forward to being with my sister & her family, and having someone wonderful to accompany me through the drudgery of getting a new SS card & driver's license. I'm looking forward to reading scriptures tonight & getting swallowed in the stories & lessons therein. I'm looking forward to praying to my Heavenly Father. I'm looking forward to resting. I'm looking forward to moving further forward & moving on. I'm looking forward to being able to look back & feel peace for the way I handled things. I'm looking forward to discovering what is in store for me in my future. & I'm looking forward to hope being in my heart & life even more than it is now.
Monday, November 27, 2006
So I'm giving myself a 'free-write' as they were called in high school. No topic, no 'rules' to follow - just the specific task of writing for 10 minutes. I kinda miss these.
I had a rough day today. Emotionally spent, physically crappy, mentally all over the place. I didn't feel like myself very much at all. My heart was weepy, and my head was physically hurting and I struggled staying focused & not constantly thinking about my court hearing in two days. Worrying. Getting frustrated cuz I was worrying about something that will be resolved and which worrying won't help. Sighing cuz I realized I didn't need to beat myself up over worrying - it's normal. Trying to focus on the current task at hand. Getting annoyed that my muscles all hurt. Getting tired & worn out. Then being weepy again. and frustrated. and sigh-y.
I have visited my husband's dad & stepmom, and grandparents over the weekend. Kinda tough to do, but I'm so glad I did. I stopped by his mom's house tonight to say goodbye, but she wasn't home, and I searched another 5 stores looking for a specific type of black jacket (denim has been outlawed at my work, so the hunt is on for a new jacket).
On my way home, I called a friend from my previous job who I've been meaning to get in touch with & let her know about the updated situation of me. We laughed - she shared stories about immense drama which has been going on the lives of her close friends & loved ones. We shared "that sucks" & "I'm so sorries" and then we laughed. I'm convinced that there should always be a hilariously riotous moment in everyone's life as a consolation to any huge stress, tradgedy, calamity, or sorrow. Really.
I had a rough day today. Emotionally spent, physically crappy, mentally all over the place. I didn't feel like myself very much at all. My heart was weepy, and my head was physically hurting and I struggled staying focused & not constantly thinking about my court hearing in two days. Worrying. Getting frustrated cuz I was worrying about something that will be resolved and which worrying won't help. Sighing cuz I realized I didn't need to beat myself up over worrying - it's normal. Trying to focus on the current task at hand. Getting annoyed that my muscles all hurt. Getting tired & worn out. Then being weepy again. and frustrated. and sigh-y.
I have visited my husband's dad & stepmom, and grandparents over the weekend. Kinda tough to do, but I'm so glad I did. I stopped by his mom's house tonight to say goodbye, but she wasn't home, and I searched another 5 stores looking for a specific type of black jacket (denim has been outlawed at my work, so the hunt is on for a new jacket).
On my way home, I called a friend from my previous job who I've been meaning to get in touch with & let her know about the updated situation of me. We laughed - she shared stories about immense drama which has been going on the lives of her close friends & loved ones. We shared "that sucks" & "I'm so sorries" and then we laughed. I'm convinced that there should always be a hilariously riotous moment in everyone's life as a consolation to any huge stress, tradgedy, calamity, or sorrow. Really.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Thankful
I asked my home teachers for a priesthood blessing last week to help me through the upcoming weeks (annulment & its aftermath). --Especially cuz the temple is closed for its yearly cleaning for the next 3 weeks. I have gained a huge amount of strength, peace, and comfort by attending, and am so grateful for the chance to live so close and attend as often as I want.
Today in the mail I got a card from my home teacher thanking me for giving him the chance to use the priesthood & letting me know that he sensed the Lord has been by my side through the whole ordeal. He also said that he will be sending me a chapter in a book which I may find comforting.
I'm bah-wling. For many reasons, but most of all for the gratitude I have toward a worthy priesthood holder who went the extra mile to send a card which has additionally blessed my heart, and is going another mile sending something more which can offer further comfort and learning. I don't know which book or what the chapter will be on, but to me, this is something a father might do for his daughter who was going through a difficult time.
& that's something I've never had the honor of experiencing.
Anyway, to any fathers &/or priesthood holders who might read this, never underestimate the power of acting in the Lord's name and going the extra mile to share the Lord's love. It is one of the greatest gifts a person can receive.
& now on to my gratitude list.
Things I am Thankful for:
Honesty
Friendship
Love
Kindness
Kindness
Kindness
Acceptance
A listening, sympathetic ear rather than unsolicited advice.
A job
A place to live
A car to drive
pets
nieces (K, E, B)
nephews (S, J, N, J, T, S)
brothers (H, P)
sisters (K, K)
aunts & uncles (B&C)
mom
dad
the opportunity to have been a wife
the opportunity to love someone with all my heart & know they won't walk away tomorrow
the opportunity to grow
My Savior
My Heavenly Father
scriptures
wisdom
authors
their books
self-help sections
the ability to learn
the Temple
peace
comfort
rain
cloudy days
thunder
lightning
ponds
lakes
rivers
waterfalls
Hawaii
snow ice cream
Turkey stuffing
good health
computers
internet
blog-world
good pillows
a good mattress
my teddy bear (who turned 20 years old this year)
"Keep your faith and above all be you!"
miracles
a living, modern-day Prophet
his words
Les Miserables
Air Supply
Metallica
Enya
sand between my toes
the beach
hot water heaters
light
electricity
trees
job postings
co-workers who become some of your dearest friends
'dearest friends' being further defined as forever
city of mesa - where I have meant most of my dearest friends
eastern arizona college - where I met the others
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints - where I learned about my Father in Heaven, my Savior, His Atonement for me, and the purpose of this life.
the concept & reality of family - ohana
toothy grins
solid hugs
gratitude tears
laughing
hope
tomorrow
today
yesterday
grass green
sunshine yellow
Grandma Olivia
lineage
heritage
posterity
ancestors
annulments
marriages
covenants
handsfree for cellphones
disney cartoons
the restored power of God on earth
Home Teachers
Visiting Teaching
cotton
quilts
tampons
sunglasses
cartwheels
swimming pools
Arizona
education
America
those who fight for their countries
language
striving
finding joy & contentment in each day
a day to celebrate all that we are grateful for - HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
I asked my home teachers for a priesthood blessing last week to help me through the upcoming weeks (annulment & its aftermath). --Especially cuz the temple is closed for its yearly cleaning for the next 3 weeks. I have gained a huge amount of strength, peace, and comfort by attending, and am so grateful for the chance to live so close and attend as often as I want.
Today in the mail I got a card from my home teacher thanking me for giving him the chance to use the priesthood & letting me know that he sensed the Lord has been by my side through the whole ordeal. He also said that he will be sending me a chapter in a book which I may find comforting.
I'm bah-wling. For many reasons, but most of all for the gratitude I have toward a worthy priesthood holder who went the extra mile to send a card which has additionally blessed my heart, and is going another mile sending something more which can offer further comfort and learning. I don't know which book or what the chapter will be on, but to me, this is something a father might do for his daughter who was going through a difficult time.
& that's something I've never had the honor of experiencing.
It means
A LOT
to this heart & girl.
More than words can express.Anyway, to any fathers &/or priesthood holders who might read this, never underestimate the power of acting in the Lord's name and going the extra mile to share the Lord's love. It is one of the greatest gifts a person can receive.
& now on to my gratitude list.
Things I am Thankful for:
Honesty
Friendship
Love
Kindness
Kindness
Kindness
Acceptance
A listening, sympathetic ear rather than unsolicited advice.
A job
A place to live
A car to drive
pets
nieces (K, E, B)
nephews (S, J, N, J, T, S)
brothers (H, P)
sisters (K, K)
aunts & uncles (B&C)
mom
dad
the opportunity to have been a wife
the opportunity to love someone with all my heart & know they won't walk away tomorrow
the opportunity to grow
My Savior
My Heavenly Father
scriptures
wisdom
authors
their books
self-help sections
the ability to learn
the Temple
peace
comfort
rain
cloudy days
thunder
lightning
ponds
lakes
rivers
waterfalls
Hawaii
snow ice cream
Turkey stuffing
good health
computers
internet
blog-world
good pillows
a good mattress
my teddy bear (who turned 20 years old this year)
"Keep your faith and above all be you!"
miracles
a living, modern-day Prophet
his words
Les Miserables
Air Supply
Metallica
Enya
sand between my toes
the beach
hot water heaters
light
electricity
trees
job postings
co-workers who become some of your dearest friends
'dearest friends' being further defined as forever
city of mesa - where I have meant most of my dearest friends
eastern arizona college - where I met the others
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints - where I learned about my Father in Heaven, my Savior, His Atonement for me, and the purpose of this life.
the concept & reality of family - ohana
toothy grins
solid hugs
gratitude tears
laughing
hope
tomorrow
today
yesterday
grass green
sunshine yellow
Grandma Olivia
lineage
heritage
posterity
ancestors
annulments
marriages
covenants
handsfree for cellphones
disney cartoons
the restored power of God on earth
Home Teachers
Visiting Teaching
cotton
quilts
tampons
sunglasses
cartwheels
swimming pools
Arizona
education
America
those who fight for their countries
language
striving
finding joy & contentment in each day
a day to celebrate all that we are grateful for - HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Loved
My mom sent a package today with some Christmas projects to work on (YAY!) & tucked away in the middle of the items, was a small frame with the words "You are Loved" inside.
What a beautiful thing to be reminded of. I thank all of you who have brightened my days (and especially today) with your kind words, your unexpected and greatly appreciated compliments, your smiles, your laughter, your presence, your friendship, yourSELF, and who have given me your love and allowed me to know more fully, that I am Loved. I thank you, and offer right back at ya:
My mom sent a package today with some Christmas projects to work on (YAY!) & tucked away in the middle of the items, was a small frame with the words "You are Loved" inside.
What a beautiful thing to be reminded of. I thank all of you who have brightened my days (and especially today) with your kind words, your unexpected and greatly appreciated compliments, your smiles, your laughter, your presence, your friendship, yourSELF, and who have given me your love and allowed me to know more fully, that I am Loved. I thank you, and offer right back at ya:
YOU ARE LOVED!!
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Tribute to a Song
These are words from a song I heard on the radio about 4 months ago:
"I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen",
And it's still raining."
Have you ever felt this way?
When I first heard the song, it struck a chord within my heart. Prior to falling in love with my husband & being married to him, I had been on my own - I moved from my hometown at 18 & was in the school and/or working world for 9 long years. 8 years of which my [family support] lived at least 80 miles away, or in another state. I grew up feeling rather isolated in many respects, and spent most of those 9 "alone" years feeling like I was floating on a raft which I had made as stable and comfortable as possible, but which was still needing an anchor or dock...somewhere to stay and belong.
Throw in a fair share of good friends moving away (& on with their lives), other friendships gone awry, relationships ending painfully but rightly, and several years of depression, and I was exhausted with being single and being alone. I suffered through serious self-esteem issues, an abusive relationship, and a myriad of lonely tear-filled nights petitioning Heavenly Father to help me find just one healthy friend I could share part of my life with. I wanted to move on. In fact, I just plain wanted to move! I was struggling with my heart being way too small for this big city, and yet feeling with certainty in my prayers that I needed to remain here.
So when I heard the lyrics about saying Amen & it still raining, I felt a quiet appreciation and understanding of how that has existed in my life. Not in a negative way at all, but in a simple "Hey - I've felt that!" acknowledgement of a difficult experience. I also happen to LOVE the rain, and felt an additional peace & joy in the analogy. I cannot count the times that I said "Amen", opened my eyes & realized the storm of my life was still raging. I would then get up from my knees, hope with all my heart that the weather would change tomorrow, or this week, or this weekend, and the time would pass & it would still be storming. Again, and again, after each Amen.
The song goes on to say beautifully:
"I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"
I heard the song once. Kept listening for it. Didn't hear it again until the 2nd week after marriage-world turned upside down. & I then heard it 4 or 5 times within the next 2 weeks. Then I bought the CD & I now listen to it whenever I want. : )
(Artist: Counting Crowns; Album: Lifesong)
The biggest difference this time around for my storm-endurance test is that I have learned to cope while in the storm. The storm does not need to change in order for me to find peace. The storm does not have to end in order for relief to come. I discovered that the answer is inside, not outside. And God is always here with me, inside & outside, if I choose to be worthy & accepting of Him & His blessings.
I am reminded of the quote:
"Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes God lets the storm rage and calms His child."
I have been blessed in my life through lyrics of songs. I have learned this is a way in which my heart & life can be altered in a quiet, tender way. & I am doing my best to live up to the chorus of this song & to praise God through my storm and acknowledge the numerous blessings He gives to me each day. I'm finding that as I do it, I'm actually feeling appreciation & joy again. Small victories in the midst of the torrential downpours of added sorrows, sadnesses, and pains, but still victories.
And I indeed thank my Heavenly Father and acknowledge his perfect, loving hand and heart in all things, especially in my life and current storm.
He is amazing!!
These are words from a song I heard on the radio about 4 months ago:
"I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen",
And it's still raining."
Have you ever felt this way?
When I first heard the song, it struck a chord within my heart. Prior to falling in love with my husband & being married to him, I had been on my own - I moved from my hometown at 18 & was in the school and/or working world for 9 long years. 8 years of which my [family support] lived at least 80 miles away, or in another state. I grew up feeling rather isolated in many respects, and spent most of those 9 "alone" years feeling like I was floating on a raft which I had made as stable and comfortable as possible, but which was still needing an anchor or dock...somewhere to stay and belong.
Throw in a fair share of good friends moving away (& on with their lives), other friendships gone awry, relationships ending painfully but rightly, and several years of depression, and I was exhausted with being single and being alone. I suffered through serious self-esteem issues, an abusive relationship, and a myriad of lonely tear-filled nights petitioning Heavenly Father to help me find just one healthy friend I could share part of my life with. I wanted to move on. In fact, I just plain wanted to move! I was struggling with my heart being way too small for this big city, and yet feeling with certainty in my prayers that I needed to remain here.
So when I heard the lyrics about saying Amen & it still raining, I felt a quiet appreciation and understanding of how that has existed in my life. Not in a negative way at all, but in a simple "Hey - I've felt that!" acknowledgement of a difficult experience. I also happen to LOVE the rain, and felt an additional peace & joy in the analogy. I cannot count the times that I said "Amen", opened my eyes & realized the storm of my life was still raging. I would then get up from my knees, hope with all my heart that the weather would change tomorrow, or this week, or this weekend, and the time would pass & it would still be storming. Again, and again, after each Amen.
The song goes on to say beautifully:
"I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"
I heard the song once. Kept listening for it. Didn't hear it again until the 2nd week after marriage-world turned upside down. & I then heard it 4 or 5 times within the next 2 weeks. Then I bought the CD & I now listen to it whenever I want. : )
(Artist: Counting Crowns; Album: Lifesong)
The biggest difference this time around for my storm-endurance test is that I have learned to cope while in the storm. The storm does not need to change in order for me to find peace. The storm does not have to end in order for relief to come. I discovered that the answer is inside, not outside. And God is always here with me, inside & outside, if I choose to be worthy & accepting of Him & His blessings.
I am reminded of the quote:
"Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes God lets the storm rage and calms His child."
I have been blessed in my life through lyrics of songs. I have learned this is a way in which my heart & life can be altered in a quiet, tender way. & I am doing my best to live up to the chorus of this song & to praise God through my storm and acknowledge the numerous blessings He gives to me each day. I'm finding that as I do it, I'm actually feeling appreciation & joy again. Small victories in the midst of the torrential downpours of added sorrows, sadnesses, and pains, but still victories.
And I indeed thank my Heavenly Father and acknowledge his perfect, loving hand and heart in all things, especially in my life and current storm.
He is amazing!!
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Success
So I had a realization tonight (a few actually), but let me rewind just a bit.
Overall, I am still doing remarkably well. I owe that to Heavenly Father and my loved ones who are reaching me through long-distance faith and love (2 things which do not have to abide by the laws & physics of this world - yay!) and to my friends nearby who are extending their ears, arms, shoulders, hearts, and lives. I also know that another huge ingredient for the 'doing remarkably well' result is my part in this whole thing. My simple faith & obedience which I'm choosing to exercise. & while they are simple in their nature, there is great passion and emotion driving both of them right now. My testimony of obedience feels like it has increased exponentially. Be Obedient! In any way, shape, or form (even purposefully driving the speed limit just to be obedient, or giving up a favorite hobby with Babylonian influences - mine was a stupid-but-addictive TV show) - there is healing & peace & strength given through simple but willful obedience. (Test it!) It rocks.
Ok. Tangeant #1 is finished.
My realization tonight was that (well crap, I forgot). Oya, it was:
I have been successful.
I've had the opportunity to test out on a handful of people the condensed version of 'what happened' between my spouse & I. & the responses I've gotten have been really mixed. Some have been extremely supportive and gentle, others extremely hurtful and abrupt. Mostly supportive, but still many which fill in the missing blanks with their guesses & assumptions, & offer suggestions on how I can improve. (& I have a pride issue there, cuz the first thing I usually think is "Hey - I'm doing better than I ever knew I could. Don't offer suggestions which I interpret as saying I'm not doing well enough. I'm doing my best already!" Pride, I know. But I'm also learning to give myself credit where it is actually deserved. Big thing for me. And I'm working on addressing the heart of the pride issue - it's still very much a work in progress.)
Tonight, I realized: I was successful. I didn't fail. I did exactly what I would have wanted myself to have done in this test. I had faith in someone who showed every sign of putting the pieces of their life back together and being humble and righteous. I followed the spirit. (For those who have questioned -& will question- the wisdom of the choice I made to marry my spouse & additionally tack on the advice that hindsight is always clearer than foresight, again I say: I followed the spirit. Marrying my spouse was the right thing for me to do.)
I learned about daily communication and kindnesses on a deeper level than I had ever had a chance to. I learned about heart-filled laughter in the midst of deepening trials and pressures. I learned about comprimising & sacrificing & working together, and doing them all willingly and with an eye on the future and the goals we were working on. (Heaven or bust!) I learned about being independently dependent and moving past disappointments. I fought for & believed in my spouse with every ounce of my heart and soul, and did it willingly and lovingly. He was my priority. Our future was my priority. Being right with God was my priority.
And I was successful.
This truly is a situation where I couldn't have done anything to prevent this 'ending' to our story. There is nothing I could have done differently to fix the problem or change the course of events. I was oblivious to all of the additional issues of my spouse, and not because I was choosing to ignore them, not because I wasn't asking the right questions, not because I wasn't following the spirit, or because I was totally naive. --My spouse was just really that good at hiding his sins until he was caught in his lies.
And when I began learning about the hidden sins of my spouse, I took time to communicate, reflect, and create a game plan for getting through it successfully - for both of us. When it was discovered that there were still lies present, even in my spouse's ability to tell me whether he was hiding anything else, I realized I had to make a decision. I took the decision to the Lord. I attended the temple. I conversed with my dear sister. I created some space to make a decision with less of the emotional clouding, and I moved forward once I got the answer. No moving backward, no lollygagging, no back & forth. I ripped the band-aid off will full force. In shock and even denial at times, I had to remind myself this was real, but I still moved forward. Centimeters and inches in the beginning emotionally, but it was still forward.
Sad. Sad, sad situation. I am also having to learn at this point to stop protecting and defending my spouse. (Tonight is my first night of being consciously active in changing this). He has actions to be accountable and responsible for. And while the details are not for sharing, the factual basis is. & that's another hard thing for me to work on.
Oddly enough, I haven't had a trial of unanswered questions for Heavenly Father about why this happened to me . . . or why the Spirit didn't give me a heads up. It has always just felt like it's all okay. It happened the way it was meant to. There is no why, there is only the great blessings to be gained through deepening faith and trust in God and obedience to his commandments. I am learning lessons which I couldn't have learned any other way, and it is God's plan. It really is that simple.
Now don't get me wrong. I still get VERY lonely. I still cry tears from the deepest area of my very bruised heart. I still struggle to feel strong and capable and confident. I still battle with insecurities and have plenty of uncertainties about being accepted and loved and good enough. This is my life and these are battles I have fought every year of my life since middle school. (As have most of us.)
For whatever reason, though, Heavenly Father has allowed me the gift of having no doubts or wavering questions about why this happened. I honestly, with all my heart, feel like it is exactly the path I was supposed to have taken to be where I am today. . . and to prepare for my tomorrows. In so many ways, I am at the best place I have ever been. My focus and dedication in the gospel have never been so pointed and driven. I know where I stand, I know better than ever who I am, and where I am going. For that, I have to say that this is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. It is supremely difficult, but it is forcing me to give more than I've ever given, and to be something more than I was yesterday.
One of my good friends told me (with very little emotion) "Well, there are sadder stories." when I explained about my situation. I have thought of that over & over, and remembered that this is a HUGE loss, but it could be worse, and I need to get past any self-pity that tries to park on my heart's doorstep. Grieve and ache and cry, but don't let those things be the end. Dedicate yourself to something big. Give of your heart and time and soul. Ponder, reflect, and be worthy and humble.
And to add a bunch of additional blessings, Be Obedient!!
You never know where it will get you. : )
So I had a realization tonight (a few actually), but let me rewind just a bit.
Overall, I am still doing remarkably well. I owe that to Heavenly Father and my loved ones who are reaching me through long-distance faith and love (2 things which do not have to abide by the laws & physics of this world - yay!) and to my friends nearby who are extending their ears, arms, shoulders, hearts, and lives. I also know that another huge ingredient for the 'doing remarkably well' result is my part in this whole thing. My simple faith & obedience which I'm choosing to exercise. & while they are simple in their nature, there is great passion and emotion driving both of them right now. My testimony of obedience feels like it has increased exponentially. Be Obedient! In any way, shape, or form (even purposefully driving the speed limit just to be obedient, or giving up a favorite hobby with Babylonian influences - mine was a stupid-but-addictive TV show) - there is healing & peace & strength given through simple but willful obedience. (Test it!) It rocks.
Ok. Tangeant #1 is finished.
My realization tonight was that (well crap, I forgot). Oya, it was:
I have been successful.
I've had the opportunity to test out on a handful of people the condensed version of 'what happened' between my spouse & I. & the responses I've gotten have been really mixed. Some have been extremely supportive and gentle, others extremely hurtful and abrupt. Mostly supportive, but still many which fill in the missing blanks with their guesses & assumptions, & offer suggestions on how I can improve. (& I have a pride issue there, cuz the first thing I usually think is "Hey - I'm doing better than I ever knew I could. Don't offer suggestions which I interpret as saying I'm not doing well enough. I'm doing my best already!" Pride, I know. But I'm also learning to give myself credit where it is actually deserved. Big thing for me. And I'm working on addressing the heart of the pride issue - it's still very much a work in progress.)
Tonight, I realized: I was successful. I didn't fail. I did exactly what I would have wanted myself to have done in this test. I had faith in someone who showed every sign of putting the pieces of their life back together and being humble and righteous. I followed the spirit. (For those who have questioned -& will question- the wisdom of the choice I made to marry my spouse & additionally tack on the advice that hindsight is always clearer than foresight, again I say: I followed the spirit. Marrying my spouse was the right thing for me to do.)
I learned about daily communication and kindnesses on a deeper level than I had ever had a chance to. I learned about heart-filled laughter in the midst of deepening trials and pressures. I learned about comprimising & sacrificing & working together, and doing them all willingly and with an eye on the future and the goals we were working on. (Heaven or bust!) I learned about being independently dependent and moving past disappointments. I fought for & believed in my spouse with every ounce of my heart and soul, and did it willingly and lovingly. He was my priority. Our future was my priority. Being right with God was my priority.
And I was successful.
This truly is a situation where I couldn't have done anything to prevent this 'ending' to our story. There is nothing I could have done differently to fix the problem or change the course of events. I was oblivious to all of the additional issues of my spouse, and not because I was choosing to ignore them, not because I wasn't asking the right questions, not because I wasn't following the spirit, or because I was totally naive. --My spouse was just really that good at hiding his sins until he was caught in his lies.
And when I began learning about the hidden sins of my spouse, I took time to communicate, reflect, and create a game plan for getting through it successfully - for both of us. When it was discovered that there were still lies present, even in my spouse's ability to tell me whether he was hiding anything else, I realized I had to make a decision. I took the decision to the Lord. I attended the temple. I conversed with my dear sister. I created some space to make a decision with less of the emotional clouding, and I moved forward once I got the answer. No moving backward, no lollygagging, no back & forth. I ripped the band-aid off will full force. In shock and even denial at times, I had to remind myself this was real, but I still moved forward. Centimeters and inches in the beginning emotionally, but it was still forward.
Sad. Sad, sad situation. I am also having to learn at this point to stop protecting and defending my spouse. (Tonight is my first night of being consciously active in changing this). He has actions to be accountable and responsible for. And while the details are not for sharing, the factual basis is. & that's another hard thing for me to work on.
Oddly enough, I haven't had a trial of unanswered questions for Heavenly Father about why this happened to me . . . or why the Spirit didn't give me a heads up. It has always just felt like it's all okay. It happened the way it was meant to. There is no why, there is only the great blessings to be gained through deepening faith and trust in God and obedience to his commandments. I am learning lessons which I couldn't have learned any other way, and it is God's plan. It really is that simple.
Now don't get me wrong. I still get VERY lonely. I still cry tears from the deepest area of my very bruised heart. I still struggle to feel strong and capable and confident. I still battle with insecurities and have plenty of uncertainties about being accepted and loved and good enough. This is my life and these are battles I have fought every year of my life since middle school. (As have most of us.)
For whatever reason, though, Heavenly Father has allowed me the gift of having no doubts or wavering questions about why this happened. I honestly, with all my heart, feel like it is exactly the path I was supposed to have taken to be where I am today. . . and to prepare for my tomorrows. In so many ways, I am at the best place I have ever been. My focus and dedication in the gospel have never been so pointed and driven. I know where I stand, I know better than ever who I am, and where I am going. For that, I have to say that this is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. It is supremely difficult, but it is forcing me to give more than I've ever given, and to be something more than I was yesterday.
One of my good friends told me (with very little emotion) "Well, there are sadder stories." when I explained about my situation. I have thought of that over & over, and remembered that this is a HUGE loss, but it could be worse, and I need to get past any self-pity that tries to park on my heart's doorstep. Grieve and ache and cry, but don't let those things be the end. Dedicate yourself to something big. Give of your heart and time and soul. Ponder, reflect, and be worthy and humble.
And to add a bunch of additional blessings, Be Obedient!!
You never know where it will get you. : )
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Irony . . . filled with Wisdom
I find it a strange irony that today, Conference Sunday, which has been so fulfilling, uplifting, and reassuring . . . today is the day that I feel that I am beginning to bear the weight of my newfound world more on my own. I am beginning to be weaned from the Spirit's merciful strength and sustaining power, & am being allowed to begin carrying more, bit by bit, on my own shoulders and faith. It has to happen, I need to grow and stretch and become. Something different. Something stronger. Something more reliant on the Lord. With faith rather than just the comforting hand of the Lord.
That whole faith thing usually requires more of us than we want to give.
It's going to be really, really hard.
I sorrow (so deeply) for so many things which are now forever lost and other many things which I am beginning to dread. (I know...dread, fear...they're the antithesis of faith.) Tonight I began to feel (much moreso than before) the loss of my best friend. I wanted so much to call and talk to the best friend I had for 3 years. I wanted that person to still be with me.
Loss is hard.
I just don't want to be here. Ever felt like that? Ok - duh. Everyone has. EVERYone. *sigh*
There's a quote...about the pains you endure granting your heart a special place which allows others to come in & be healed. Thank you all again for your prayers, love, and faith. For many of you thinking of me even though I am a stranger. I am grateful beyond expression for what you do for me and I want you to know that I gain strength from you and your words.
Testimony is a beautiful thing which gives strength. I know that because even as I decided I needed to think about the many things I KNOW (rather than all the things I don't want to face) I felt peace and strength and my cheeks dried. My heart may still be weeping, but I prefer that to it drying up. : ) I know my Savior knows me and loves me. I know He will hold me in His hand. And I know He will be with me through this journey. I do not have to do it alone.
And I am sincerely grateful for a perfectly wise Eternal Father who knows all, and who, in His wisdom and love, knows the appropriate time to have His Son set me gently back on my own two feet again. (Even making sure I am sufficiently strengthened before it happened.)
I am grateful to walk this journey. I know I didn't come here to be carried the whole way, and I also know that if there is strength to be had, I want to earn it. (I'm not saying I want every trial and hardship - um, no.) But I just know, more now than ever, that I want to be the girl I'm meant to become. I want to learn what I need to in order to grow and expand, and I want to experience what I need to in order to refine my spirit, heart, and soul. I want to be the Lord's. Whatever and however He sees fit to get me there, I'll do it. I just have to remember to keep my faith & testimony close - closer than anything.
I am not alone. We never will be. And as I move forward, since it's impossible to be carried and gain what I need to, I can simply remember that God gave me hands to be held while I walk.
I find it a strange irony that today, Conference Sunday, which has been so fulfilling, uplifting, and reassuring . . . today is the day that I feel that I am beginning to bear the weight of my newfound world more on my own. I am beginning to be weaned from the Spirit's merciful strength and sustaining power, & am being allowed to begin carrying more, bit by bit, on my own shoulders and faith. It has to happen, I need to grow and stretch and become. Something different. Something stronger. Something more reliant on the Lord. With faith rather than just the comforting hand of the Lord.
That whole faith thing usually requires more of us than we want to give.
It's going to be really, really hard.
I sorrow (so deeply) for so many things which are now forever lost and other many things which I am beginning to dread. (I know...dread, fear...they're the antithesis of faith.) Tonight I began to feel (much moreso than before) the loss of my best friend. I wanted so much to call and talk to the best friend I had for 3 years. I wanted that person to still be with me.
Loss is hard.
I just don't want to be here. Ever felt like that? Ok - duh. Everyone has. EVERYone. *sigh*
There's a quote...about the pains you endure granting your heart a special place which allows others to come in & be healed. Thank you all again for your prayers, love, and faith. For many of you thinking of me even though I am a stranger. I am grateful beyond expression for what you do for me and I want you to know that I gain strength from you and your words.
Testimony is a beautiful thing which gives strength. I know that because even as I decided I needed to think about the many things I KNOW (rather than all the things I don't want to face) I felt peace and strength and my cheeks dried. My heart may still be weeping, but I prefer that to it drying up. : ) I know my Savior knows me and loves me. I know He will hold me in His hand. And I know He will be with me through this journey. I do not have to do it alone.
And I am sincerely grateful for a perfectly wise Eternal Father who knows all, and who, in His wisdom and love, knows the appropriate time to have His Son set me gently back on my own two feet again. (Even making sure I am sufficiently strengthened before it happened.)
I am grateful to walk this journey. I know I didn't come here to be carried the whole way, and I also know that if there is strength to be had, I want to earn it. (I'm not saying I want every trial and hardship - um, no.) But I just know, more now than ever, that I want to be the girl I'm meant to become. I want to learn what I need to in order to grow and expand, and I want to experience what I need to in order to refine my spirit, heart, and soul. I want to be the Lord's. Whatever and however He sees fit to get me there, I'll do it. I just have to remember to keep my faith & testimony close - closer than anything.
I am not alone. We never will be. And as I move forward, since it's impossible to be carried and gain what I need to, I can simply remember that God gave me hands to be held while I walk.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Sister
It's my Sister's birthday today, and I am full of gratitude for the multitude of things she has taught me and the myriad of times she has rescued me (& my heart).
She is a voice of reason and reassurance in every storm I have passed through. She is wisdom and purity and a love so real you can almost grasp it in your hand. She is devotion, strength, wit, and security. She is honesty, compassion, empathy, sympathy, friendship, quiet warmth, and a hug that enfolds your heart. She is tugged and stretched and held by her family, and her heart is bigger & stronger than anyone I know. She is my sister & one of my greatest examples and friends on earth.
Being her younger sister, she has always been in my life. But way beyond that, she has truly always been there for me in my life, to share the good times and the tough times (and the pyschotic-episodes-at-Wal-Mart times -that's me who goes through those & my sister who has to endure them).
Thank you for your journey of being & becoming who you are, my sister. You amaze me, and
It's my Sister's birthday today, and I am full of gratitude for the multitude of things she has taught me and the myriad of times she has rescued me (& my heart).
She is a voice of reason and reassurance in every storm I have passed through. She is wisdom and purity and a love so real you can almost grasp it in your hand. She is devotion, strength, wit, and security. She is honesty, compassion, empathy, sympathy, friendship, quiet warmth, and a hug that enfolds your heart. She is tugged and stretched and held by her family, and her heart is bigger & stronger than anyone I know. She is my sister & one of my greatest examples and friends on earth.
Being her younger sister, she has always been in my life. But way beyond that, she has truly always been there for me in my life, to share the good times and the tough times (and the pyschotic-episodes-at-Wal-Mart times -that's me who goes through those & my sister who has to endure them).
She is beautiful beyond measure.
Thank you for your journey of being & becoming who you are, my sister. You amaze me, and
I LOVE YOU!!
Have a wonderful birthday!!
Have a wonderful birthday!!
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Prayer
A friend of mine had a wooden plaque hanging in her room which read:
PRAYER CHANGES THINGS
It's been a couple of years since I saw it, but I loved its simple truth and quiet challenge. I realized today when responding to a beautiful e-mail from my sister-in-law, that God was blessing me in special ways prior to 'my September 6th'.
The week before my September 6th was Fast Sunday. Even as I was getting ready for church, I KNEW that I was going to bear my testimony that day & that I would bear my testimony of prayer. I was the 2nd person to the pulpit, and I bore my testimony of that simple, powerful, life-altering truth: PRAYER CHANGES THINGS. At that time I actually wondered to myself why this was the testimony I was bearing, because everything in my life was really, really good and in great order.
I didn't give a storimony. I just bore my testimony of how real prayer is and how grateful I am for the Spirit to be our liason between this world & the next. How even if our circumstances don't change, we change, and things get better. Prayer really does change things.
3 days later, the foundation of my marriage dissolved. Everything that was built on my marriage crumbled within a week. But because of my foundation being the gospel & Christ, I still stand. And PRAYER has given me access to my support (the Spirit & the Love of Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ), as literally as my skeleton is a support for my mortal frame. I would not be standing (even with my skeleton intact) were it not for the gifts accessible through Prayer. Believe me, I would be a non-functional lump of flesh & bones sobbing on the floor & unable to move. I've been there.
How amazing that I would be prompted by the Spirit & by a Father in Heaven who knows the end from the beginning (& all the in-betweens) to share a truth which would bless my life beyond measure, and which would be freshly imprinted in my heart & soul as a reminder & a gift - I am not alone - and I have open communication with He who can heal all things.
Prayer Changes Things.
Also, my sister-in-law mentioned that she & her children have been praying for me. She has explained to her kids that my heart had been hurt, and they have been praying for me.
I KNOW those prayers make a difference. K, J, & J, I want you each to know that I feel the difference because of your prayers. I feel Heavenly Father's love healing my heart and making me strong every hour of every day. You make a difference. Your prayers make a difference. Your faith makes a difference. You are helping me every day, every time you say a prayer for me. And for all your love, faith, and prayers, I want to Thank You.
For the rest of my family & nieces & nephews, and for anyone who has thought of me and cared because they know my amazing sister (Some Semblance of Order), I express the same heartfelt Thank You. You help to make me strong every day. I know that God's blessings are magnified and more powerful through the faith and prayers of others. And I want you to know that I give thanks for all of you each night & morning and ask for you to be blessed in return. It is a beautiful magnificent circle of love & life which I am honored to be in the loop of.
PRAYER CHANGES THINGS.
What could it change for you today?
Challenge yourself.
I am.
A friend of mine had a wooden plaque hanging in her room which read:
PRAYER CHANGES THINGS
It's been a couple of years since I saw it, but I loved its simple truth and quiet challenge. I realized today when responding to a beautiful e-mail from my sister-in-law, that God was blessing me in special ways prior to 'my September 6th'.
The week before my September 6th was Fast Sunday. Even as I was getting ready for church, I KNEW that I was going to bear my testimony that day & that I would bear my testimony of prayer. I was the 2nd person to the pulpit, and I bore my testimony of that simple, powerful, life-altering truth: PRAYER CHANGES THINGS. At that time I actually wondered to myself why this was the testimony I was bearing, because everything in my life was really, really good and in great order.
I didn't give a storimony. I just bore my testimony of how real prayer is and how grateful I am for the Spirit to be our liason between this world & the next. How even if our circumstances don't change, we change, and things get better. Prayer really does change things.
3 days later, the foundation of my marriage dissolved. Everything that was built on my marriage crumbled within a week. But because of my foundation being the gospel & Christ, I still stand. And PRAYER has given me access to my support (the Spirit & the Love of Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ), as literally as my skeleton is a support for my mortal frame. I would not be standing (even with my skeleton intact) were it not for the gifts accessible through Prayer. Believe me, I would be a non-functional lump of flesh & bones sobbing on the floor & unable to move. I've been there.
How amazing that I would be prompted by the Spirit & by a Father in Heaven who knows the end from the beginning (& all the in-betweens) to share a truth which would bless my life beyond measure, and which would be freshly imprinted in my heart & soul as a reminder & a gift - I am not alone - and I have open communication with He who can heal all things.
Prayer Changes Things.
Also, my sister-in-law mentioned that she & her children have been praying for me. She has explained to her kids that my heart had been hurt, and they have been praying for me.
I KNOW those prayers make a difference. K, J, & J, I want you each to know that I feel the difference because of your prayers. I feel Heavenly Father's love healing my heart and making me strong every hour of every day. You make a difference. Your prayers make a difference. Your faith makes a difference. You are helping me every day, every time you say a prayer for me. And for all your love, faith, and prayers, I want to Thank You.
For the rest of my family & nieces & nephews, and for anyone who has thought of me and cared because they know my amazing sister (Some Semblance of Order), I express the same heartfelt Thank You. You help to make me strong every day. I know that God's blessings are magnified and more powerful through the faith and prayers of others. And I want you to know that I give thanks for all of you each night & morning and ask for you to be blessed in return. It is a beautiful magnificent circle of love & life which I am honored to be in the loop of.
PRAYER CHANGES THINGS.
What could it change for you today?
Challenge yourself.
I am.
Monday, September 25, 2006
3 months 'til . . . Christmas
It's September 25th. Exactly 3 months 'til Christmas . . . & about the length of time an annulment (or) divorce should take to become finalized.
I guess I can't help but sigh. A broken marriage, open-ended dreams laying in fragments on the floor of my heart and mind, an empty place next to myself, and a sorrow for the loss of my dear friend and husband who I believed in with all my heart and life.
But I'm also gaining a brand-new hope for tomorrow, devoid of the current sacrifices and bounds which existed in my current relationship. Open-ended dreams laying in fragments on the floor of my heart and mind, just waiting to be picked up and put together again, in an unknown beautiful arrangement of joy and hope. An adventure which is just beginning and which I must wade through the difficult days in order to stand free and whole on the top of a bright new tomorrow. A full and overflowing heart with the Spirit and the Love of my Heavenly Father who remembers me. And a gratitude for the experience I've had to love someone so fully, so completely, and so honestly, that I would have given my life for him any day and which I did give my life to, every day. A chance to actually BE in a relationship (NOT the crappy SINGLE WORLD!!) and work and grow and move together - to not run away, and not be left behind, but to be together overcoming and gaining strength and experience.
(Another sigh). 3 months. I catch myself thinking that I want to fast-forward. But I don't. Even in the midst of the struggles and difficulties, I'm proud to say I'm married. I'm proud to say I'm a wife and a helpmeet. I'm happy to still be in open communication with my estranged spouse. . . . and I'm not anxious to be 'officially' single again. Even though spiritually, emotionally, and physically I'm already there. I guess this is a kindness from the legal system for me right now (IS there such a thing??) I can ease out of the role I love (in some weird terminology-sort of way). :) and besides, I know I want to live the journey.
(3rd sigh). It's good to stand up for what I believe in, whatever the cost. & honestly, it's really nice to actually be at a point in my life (1st time for everything) where I truly believe I'm worth something really, really good and real. It's incredibly humbling to feel that way at the cost of so many precious outlooks, hopes, and dreams. But I am gaining a trust of, and comfort from, our Savior, which has never been so deep, so poignant, and so real to me.
I can't say the price was worth it, to realize and gain all this - that isn't even the right way to perceive this situation.
I can & will, though, say that it is the greatest consolation prize ever received for having lost so much.
Don't take it for granted.
(& by the way, my sister, I LOVE YOU!!! Thank You for You.)
It's September 25th. Exactly 3 months 'til Christmas . . . & about the length of time an annulment (or) divorce should take to become finalized.
I guess I can't help but sigh. A broken marriage, open-ended dreams laying in fragments on the floor of my heart and mind, an empty place next to myself, and a sorrow for the loss of my dear friend and husband who I believed in with all my heart and life.
But I'm also gaining a brand-new hope for tomorrow, devoid of the current sacrifices and bounds which existed in my current relationship. Open-ended dreams laying in fragments on the floor of my heart and mind, just waiting to be picked up and put together again, in an unknown beautiful arrangement of joy and hope. An adventure which is just beginning and which I must wade through the difficult days in order to stand free and whole on the top of a bright new tomorrow. A full and overflowing heart with the Spirit and the Love of my Heavenly Father who remembers me. And a gratitude for the experience I've had to love someone so fully, so completely, and so honestly, that I would have given my life for him any day and which I did give my life to, every day. A chance to actually BE in a relationship (NOT the crappy SINGLE WORLD!!) and work and grow and move together - to not run away, and not be left behind, but to be together overcoming and gaining strength and experience.
(Another sigh). 3 months. I catch myself thinking that I want to fast-forward. But I don't. Even in the midst of the struggles and difficulties, I'm proud to say I'm married. I'm proud to say I'm a wife and a helpmeet. I'm happy to still be in open communication with my estranged spouse. . . . and I'm not anxious to be 'officially' single again. Even though spiritually, emotionally, and physically I'm already there. I guess this is a kindness from the legal system for me right now (IS there such a thing??) I can ease out of the role I love (in some weird terminology-sort of way). :) and besides, I know I want to live the journey.
(3rd sigh). It's good to stand up for what I believe in, whatever the cost. & honestly, it's really nice to actually be at a point in my life (1st time for everything) where I truly believe I'm worth something really, really good and real. It's incredibly humbling to feel that way at the cost of so many precious outlooks, hopes, and dreams. But I am gaining a trust of, and comfort from, our Savior, which has never been so deep, so poignant, and so real to me.
I can't say the price was worth it, to realize and gain all this - that isn't even the right way to perceive this situation.
I can & will, though, say that it is the greatest consolation prize ever received for having lost so much.
Don't take it for granted.
(& by the way, my sister, I LOVE YOU!!! Thank You for You.)
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Once Upon a Time
Isn't that how all good stories begin? Mine is no exception. Really. It just hasn't finished yet.
So two-and-a-half weeks ago, my world turned upside down & has since been falling apart. Weirdly (but so not-weirdly) I have been okay and balanced and still upright. It's like one of those children's toy balls where there's a rod through the middle of the ball with a smaller figure attached in the very middle. As many times as you turn the ball and roll it and twist it, the figure inside (may wobble for a bit) but it stays upright. It adapts. Quickly. Every time. And the only way that would change is if the figure lost what kept it upright and balanced - a special anchor at it's foundation.
Now seriously, it's weird that I'm thinking of this analogy because I don't have kids yet, I've never owned one of those toys, and I've really only seen them a handful of times in my life. But the principle of the way it works is building my testimony today. I have the restored gospel of Jesus Christ as my anchor. & no matter what happens outside myself, no matter how close it is to my personal world & environment, the anchor is there for me, helping me to right myself and be in the right position to handle what is ahead and to see clearly - to be looking and facing in the right direction. It feels good. And I feel strengthened.
Now back to that 'Once upon a time'. It is real. This story you're building and writing each day is yours. What you do, every day, every time you come to a decision, builds your character and plot. If there is anything I would encourage each of you to do today, it would be to be honest. With yourself. With your loved ones. With God. Be honest, and pray for courage and strength to be true. Face your demons, whatever they may be. Be a true character with weaknesses, with heartaches, with struggles and trials and sorrows. Let us love you for who you really are, let us cheer for you for the battles you are really fighting and challenges you are really facing. Let us fight next to you, with you. Let us share tears with you and not just for you. These are the characters we find so much inspiration in and who change our lives and hearts - beautifully, even as they are changing themselves.
But you must be true and honest. If not, you are only building a spider-web version of the reality which should exist. The life which is so tangible, so immensely fulfilling, and so amazingly joyful. A world which will not crumble, will not be destroyed, and which will indeed withstand all that this mortal world and Satan's efforts can throw at it. A foundation to build your forever-dreams on and which will surely become your reality because you have poured your whole self in, and not just nice ideas or a pretty picture of what is hoped for or expected. You have put Yourself in - the raw materials of your heart, soul, mind, and will, which are imperfect, yes, but which are REAL and therefore something to be worked with and improved upon.
This story, this world, this dream, this reality - it is something I have fought for through all my life and which I continue to fight passionately for. Be Yourself. Be True. Be Honest. Be who You are Meant to Be.
Isn't that how all good stories begin? Mine is no exception. Really. It just hasn't finished yet.
So two-and-a-half weeks ago, my world turned upside down & has since been falling apart. Weirdly (but so not-weirdly) I have been okay and balanced and still upright. It's like one of those children's toy balls where there's a rod through the middle of the ball with a smaller figure attached in the very middle. As many times as you turn the ball and roll it and twist it, the figure inside (may wobble for a bit) but it stays upright. It adapts. Quickly. Every time. And the only way that would change is if the figure lost what kept it upright and balanced - a special anchor at it's foundation.
Now seriously, it's weird that I'm thinking of this analogy because I don't have kids yet, I've never owned one of those toys, and I've really only seen them a handful of times in my life. But the principle of the way it works is building my testimony today. I have the restored gospel of Jesus Christ as my anchor. & no matter what happens outside myself, no matter how close it is to my personal world & environment, the anchor is there for me, helping me to right myself and be in the right position to handle what is ahead and to see clearly - to be looking and facing in the right direction. It feels good. And I feel strengthened.
Now back to that 'Once upon a time'. It is real. This story you're building and writing each day is yours. What you do, every day, every time you come to a decision, builds your character and plot. If there is anything I would encourage each of you to do today, it would be to be honest. With yourself. With your loved ones. With God. Be honest, and pray for courage and strength to be true. Face your demons, whatever they may be. Be a true character with weaknesses, with heartaches, with struggles and trials and sorrows. Let us love you for who you really are, let us cheer for you for the battles you are really fighting and challenges you are really facing. Let us fight next to you, with you. Let us share tears with you and not just for you. These are the characters we find so much inspiration in and who change our lives and hearts - beautifully, even as they are changing themselves.
But you must be true and honest. If not, you are only building a spider-web version of the reality which should exist. The life which is so tangible, so immensely fulfilling, and so amazingly joyful. A world which will not crumble, will not be destroyed, and which will indeed withstand all that this mortal world and Satan's efforts can throw at it. A foundation to build your forever-dreams on and which will surely become your reality because you have poured your whole self in, and not just nice ideas or a pretty picture of what is hoped for or expected. You have put Yourself in - the raw materials of your heart, soul, mind, and will, which are imperfect, yes, but which are REAL and therefore something to be worked with and improved upon.
This story, this world, this dream, this reality - it is something I have fought for through all my life and which I continue to fight passionately for. Be Yourself. Be True. Be Honest. Be who You are Meant to Be.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Pictures.......Perfect!
I finally have a place of my own at work. And the best thing about it - it's my place to customize and personalize to my heart's desire. So....in came the pictures!! & I discovered the joy of having smiling faces & captured memories brightening my entire workday. Plus I took in a few other treasured items to help remind me what I'm working for (river rocks, beach sand, and a really old Hershey's chocolate tin.) So thank you to my family & friends for the fabulous memories & the gift you give each day in the thought of your love and place in my heart & life.
Ok, I'm all sappy. But I mean it. Thanks guys!
I finally have a place of my own at work. And the best thing about it - it's my place to customize and personalize to my heart's desire. So....in came the pictures!! & I discovered the joy of having smiling faces & captured memories brightening my entire workday. Plus I took in a few other treasured items to help remind me what I'm working for (river rocks, beach sand, and a really old Hershey's chocolate tin.) So thank you to my family & friends for the fabulous memories & the gift you give each day in the thought of your love and place in my heart & life.
Ok, I'm all sappy. But I mean it. Thanks guys!
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