Precipice

December 31st. A countdown to a new year's beginning. New goals and resolutions for the next 365 days. New calendars. New hopes.

A fresh start.

I know we each have various new beginnings in our lives which have nothing to do with the date. I am so grateful to have had those in my own life this last year, however difficult they have been.

I know Thanksgiving has passed, but I would like to continue in the spirit of gratitude and acknowledge a few more things I am deeply grateful for.

Faith. & not just any faith, but the specific faith I have the priviledge of holding in my heart this very day & hour. I am not afraid of my future, even the difficult parts which no doubt will continue to come. I know that I am loved. That I am cared for. That I belong. & for all of you who know even the smallest portion of my life and the underlying struggles which have vexed this heart of mine for many years, I know you will understand the miracle of those 3 new truths I have gained.
Change. Were it not for change, there would be no growth. Stagnancy would be our past, present, and future. Change keeps us on our toes as I'm sure my grandmother would say. It keeps us in motion; alert, strong, and capable. & I am not only grateful for the uncontrollable changes which we must adapt and respond to, but I am grateful for the power we each have within ourselves to make a change. To change outside things, or change ourselves inwardly. I am grateful for the element and ability of change.
Trust. While I know there should be a deep trust issue resounding in my heart, I find it beautifully ironic that the reason I don't is because I, myself, am trustworthy. And also that I still genuinely exercise trust. I trust in a God who is so perfect, so loving, and so good, that there is no room to question whether the universe holds goodness and light ahead for each of us. It absolutely does.
Trials of Faith. This is really just an extension of Change. But there is something specific here which is different. First of all, anyone can go through change. But in order to go through a trial of faith, one must first possess Faith. Faith in anything. But faith must be present. And this trial is a priceless opportunity to strengthen your faith, which in itself is a priceless gift. An opportunity to deepen and increase value on something already dear and precious and priceless to us. The opportunities are unique. Rare. And should be properly respected. No two trials will give the same results. They will strengthen different areas, refine different characteristics, bring unique understandings, perspectives, beauties, and joys. But, like snowflakes, you will never find two which will be exactly the same, or yield the same specific gifts. They are bonus rounds with so much to be gained. And once you have the right perspective, understanding, and strategy, they can even be celebrated. Not for the pain, heartaches, and grief involved, but for sweet, sweet blessings which are yours to be had for the experiencing, which will never, ever leave your heart and foundational testimony. I love the way Paul in the New Testament states:

My strength is perfect in weakness. Most glady therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)


A New Year.

I am so honored to be where I am today, and to have 2007 ahead of me, perfect in the beauty of it being whatever I choose to make of it for myself. I am honored to be a member of a family who loves me, deeper than I know. And to have friends and influences who become my extended family and who also love me more than I know.
And I am honored to have a heart which was born to love, and to feel.

Thank you to each of you who have been a part of my life and heart this last year. May the New Year bring great joys and blessings to each of your hearts and lives!
God bless you!! (every one!) : )

Over

The annulment is finalized. Name changes have been made for the most part. In-laws have been said goodbye to. New driver's license. New social security card. New name plate at work.
Emotionally it's been rough - I feel zoned out. a lot. Physically, my body is crashing after being on high-alert for so long, so I'm exhausted. a lot.
I've been given wise advice to actually avoid anyone who is going through or has gone through a similar issue (divorce/annulment/similar-type issues which have been involved) and this is to allow me to HEAL. Healthily. Not taking on someone else's issues & negative emotions when I am simply needing to heal from my own trauma. 6 months' time. No relationships. Just healing. Dating is fine. Relationships not allowed.
Before I received the advice, I didn't really know where I stood on all these decisions. They were 'there'. But once they were suggested, I immediately recognized the wisdom in them. While a part of me will be drawn (& will draw) those in similar circumstances, that is not where I need to be & what I need to be doing right now. I need to learn how to accomodate healing & allow myself the chance to heal fully. Kindly. Securely. Safely.
No roller-coasters of emotions & circumstance. No room for re-heartbreak & pain. Just a place where I am dedicated to those things which give me peace, joy, and fulfillment. 6 months. Not a time to waver & make exceptions to the rule. Not a time to experiment & see if it really works or not. But a time to have ultimate trust in my God, myself, and those who have much more expertise in this area than I do. & in starting this journey of healing, I will then be able to not only heal as a stronger, brighter, better person, but I can also help others to know how to heal.

Exciting, I must say.
I gain great joy & peace & hope in the knowledge that my heart will be somewhere safe & secure & protected. NO-FEAR-type feeling. & knowing that after those 6 months are finished, I will have gained additional great strength & promise for the future. With no additional relationship scars, wounds, or bruises to hinder my emotional well-being.
Knowing is the first part, believing is the second, doing is the third, and enduring is the fourth. All good things!!

24

My countdown started this afternoon of my 24 hours 'til my court hearing begins & I will be officially single again. & re-maiden-named. & wedding-ring-less on my finger. and un-Mrs-ed. and have to use the term 'ex' or 'previous' when talking about my husband. & work on stopping talking about my ex/previous husband. & changing my last name, everywhere.
I've been so freakishly exhausted mentally lately, that I feel like I don't even address the stuff that's going through my head. Auto-pilot is my salvation.
What I do know, though, is that I am looking forward to going back to the temple when it reopens. I'm looking forward to being with my sister & her family, and having someone wonderful to accompany me through the drudgery of getting a new SS card & driver's license. I'm looking forward to reading scriptures tonight & getting swallowed in the stories & lessons therein. I'm looking forward to praying to my Heavenly Father. I'm looking forward to resting. I'm looking forward to moving further forward & moving on. I'm looking forward to being able to look back & feel peace for the way I handled things. I'm looking forward to discovering what is in store for me in my future. & I'm looking forward to hope being in my heart & life even more than it is now.

So I'm giving myself a 'free-write' as they were called in high school. No topic, no 'rules' to follow - just the specific task of writing for 10 minutes. I kinda miss these.
I had a rough day today. Emotionally spent, physically crappy, mentally all over the place. I didn't feel like myself very much at all. My heart was weepy, and my head was physically hurting and I struggled staying focused & not constantly thinking about my court hearing in two days. Worrying. Getting frustrated cuz I was worrying about something that will be resolved and which worrying won't help. Sighing cuz I realized I didn't need to beat myself up over worrying - it's normal. Trying to focus on the current task at hand. Getting annoyed that my muscles all hurt. Getting tired & worn out. Then being weepy again. and frustrated. and sigh-y.

I have visited my husband's dad & stepmom, and grandparents over the weekend. Kinda tough to do, but I'm so glad I did. I stopped by his mom's house tonight to say goodbye, but she wasn't home, and I searched another 5 stores looking for a specific type of black jacket (denim has been outlawed at my work, so the hunt is on for a new jacket).
On my way home, I called a friend from my previous job who I've been meaning to get in touch with & let her know about the updated situation of me. We laughed - she shared stories about immense drama which has been going on the lives of her close friends & loved ones. We shared "that sucks" & "I'm so sorries" and then we laughed. I'm convinced that there should always be a hilariously riotous moment in everyone's life as a consolation to any huge stress, tradgedy, calamity, or sorrow. Really.

Thankful

I asked my home teachers for a priesthood blessing last week to help me through the upcoming weeks (annulment & its aftermath). --Especially cuz the temple is closed for its yearly cleaning for the next 3 weeks. I have gained a huge amount of strength, peace, and comfort by attending, and am so grateful for the chance to live so close and attend as often as I want.
Today in the mail I got a card from my home teacher thanking me for giving him the chance to use the priesthood & letting me know that he sensed the Lord has been by my side through the whole ordeal. He also said that he will be sending me a chapter in a book which I may find comforting.
I'm bah-wling. For many reasons, but most of all for the gratitude I have toward a worthy priesthood holder who went the extra mile to send a card which has additionally blessed my heart, and is going another mile sending something more which can offer further comfort and learning. I don't know which book or what the chapter will be on, but to me, this is something a father might do for his daughter who was going through a difficult time.
& that's something I've never had the honor of experiencing.

It means

A LOT

to this heart & girl.

More than words can express.
Anyway, to any fathers &/or priesthood holders who might read this, never underestimate the power of acting in the Lord's name and going the extra mile to share the Lord's love. It is one of the greatest gifts a person can receive.

& now on to my gratitude list.
Things I am Thankful for:
Honesty
Friendship
Love
Kindness
Kindness
Kindness
Acceptance
A listening, sympathetic ear rather than unsolicited advice.
A job
A place to live
A car to drive
pets
nieces (K, E, B)
nephews (S, J, N, J, T, S)
brothers (H, P)
sisters (K, K)
aunts & uncles (B&C)
mom
dad
the opportunity to have been a wife
the opportunity to love someone with all my heart & know they won't walk away tomorrow
the opportunity to grow
My Savior
My Heavenly Father
scriptures
wisdom
authors
their books
self-help sections
the ability to learn
the Temple
peace
comfort
rain
cloudy days
thunder
lightning
ponds
lakes
rivers
waterfalls
Hawaii
snow ice cream
Turkey stuffing
good health
computers
internet
blog-world
good pillows
a good mattress
my teddy bear (who turned 20 years old this year)
"Keep your faith and above all be you!"
miracles
a living, modern-day Prophet
his words
Les Miserables
Air Supply
Metallica
Enya
sand between my toes
the beach
hot water heaters
light
electricity
trees
job postings
co-workers who become some of your dearest friends
'dearest friends' being further defined as forever
city of mesa - where I have meant most of my dearest friends
eastern arizona college - where I met the others
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints - where I learned about my Father in Heaven, my Savior, His Atonement for me, and the purpose of this life.
the concept & reality of family - ohana
toothy grins
solid hugs
gratitude tears
laughing
hope
tomorrow
today
yesterday
grass green
sunshine yellow
Grandma Olivia
lineage
heritage
posterity
ancestors
annulments
marriages
covenants
handsfree for cellphones
disney cartoons
the restored power of God on earth
Home Teachers
Visiting Teaching
cotton
quilts
tampons
sunglasses
cartwheels
swimming pools
Arizona
education
America
those who fight for their countries
language
striving
finding joy & contentment in each day
a day to celebrate all that we are grateful for - HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Loved

My mom sent a package today with some Christmas projects to work on (YAY!) & tucked away in the middle of the items, was a small frame with the words "You are Loved" inside.

What a beautiful thing to be reminded of. I thank all of you who have brightened my days (and especially today) with your kind words, your unexpected and greatly appreciated compliments, your smiles, your laughter, your presence, your friendship, yourSELF, and who have given me your love and allowed me to know more fully, that I am Loved. I thank you, and offer right back at ya:

YOU ARE LOVED!!

Tribute to a Song

These are words from a song I heard on the radio about 4 months ago:

"I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen",
And it's still raining."

Have you ever felt this way?
When I first heard the song, it struck a chord within my heart. Prior to falling in love with my husband & being married to him, I had been on my own - I moved from my hometown at 18 & was in the school and/or working world for 9 long years. 8 years of which my [family support] lived at least 80 miles away, or in another state. I grew up feeling rather isolated in many respects, and spent most of those 9 "alone" years feeling like I was floating on a raft which I had made as stable and comfortable as possible, but which was still needing an anchor or dock...somewhere to stay and belong.
Throw in a fair share of good friends moving away (& on with their lives), other friendships gone awry, relationships ending painfully but rightly, and several years of depression, and I was exhausted with being single and being alone. I suffered through serious self-esteem issues, an abusive relationship, and a myriad of lonely tear-filled nights petitioning Heavenly Father to help me find just one healthy friend I could share part of my life with. I wanted to move on. In fact, I just plain wanted to move! I was struggling with my heart being way too small for this big city, and yet feeling with certainty in my prayers that I needed to remain here.
So when I heard the lyrics about saying Amen & it still raining, I felt a quiet appreciation and understanding of how that has existed in my life. Not in a negative way at all, but in a simple "Hey - I've felt that!" acknowledgement of a difficult experience. I also happen to LOVE the rain, and felt an additional peace & joy in the analogy. I cannot count the times that I said "Amen", opened my eyes & realized the storm of my life was still raging. I would then get up from my knees, hope with all my heart that the weather would change tomorrow, or this week, or this weekend, and the time would pass & it would still be storming. Again, and again, after each Amen.
The song goes on to say beautifully:

"I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"

I heard the song once. Kept listening for it. Didn't hear it again until the 2nd week after marriage-world turned upside down. & I then heard it 4 or 5 times within the next 2 weeks. Then I bought the CD & I now listen to it whenever I want. : )
(Artist: Counting Crowns; Album: Lifesong)
The biggest difference this time around for my storm-endurance test is that I have learned to cope while in the storm. The storm does not need to change in order for me to find peace. The storm does not have to end in order for relief to come. I discovered that the answer is inside, not outside. And God is always here with me, inside & outside, if I choose to be worthy & accepting of Him & His blessings.
I am reminded of the quote:
"Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes God lets the storm rage and calms His child."

I have been blessed in my life through lyrics of songs. I have learned this is a way in which my heart & life can be altered in a quiet, tender way. & I am doing my best to live up to the chorus of this song & to praise God through my storm and acknowledge the numerous blessings He gives to me each day. I'm finding that as I do it, I'm actually feeling appreciation & joy again. Small victories in the midst of the torrential downpours of added sorrows, sadnesses, and pains, but still victories.
And I indeed thank my Heavenly Father and acknowledge his perfect, loving hand and heart in all things, especially in my life and current storm.
He is amazing!!

Success

So I had a realization tonight (a few actually), but let me rewind just a bit.

Overall, I am still doing remarkably well. I owe that to Heavenly Father and my loved ones who are reaching me through long-distance faith and love (2 things which do not have to abide by the laws & physics of this world - yay!) and to my friends nearby who are extending their ears, arms, shoulders, hearts, and lives. I also know that another huge ingredient for the 'doing remarkably well' result is my part in this whole thing. My simple faith & obedience which I'm choosing to exercise. & while they are simple in their nature, there is great passion and emotion driving both of them right now. My testimony of obedience feels like it has increased exponentially. Be Obedient! In any way, shape, or form (even purposefully driving the speed limit just to be obedient, or giving up a favorite hobby with Babylonian influences - mine was a stupid-but-addictive TV show) - there is healing & peace & strength given through simple but willful obedience. (Test it!) It rocks.

Ok. Tangeant #1 is finished.

My realization tonight was that (well crap, I forgot). Oya, it was:
I have been successful.
I've had the opportunity to test out on a handful of people the condensed version of 'what happened' between my spouse & I. & the responses I've gotten have been really mixed. Some have been extremely supportive and gentle, others extremely hurtful and abrupt. Mostly supportive, but still many which fill in the missing blanks with their guesses & assumptions, & offer suggestions on how I can improve. (& I have a pride issue there, cuz the first thing I usually think is "Hey - I'm doing better than I ever knew I could. Don't offer suggestions which I interpret as saying I'm not doing well enough. I'm doing my best already!" Pride, I know. But I'm also learning to give myself credit where it is actually deserved. Big thing for me. And I'm working on addressing the heart of the pride issue - it's still very much a work in progress.)

Tonight, I realized: I was successful. I didn't fail. I did exactly what I would have wanted myself to have done in this test. I had faith in someone who showed every sign of putting the pieces of their life back together and being humble and righteous. I followed the spirit. (For those who have questioned -& will question- the wisdom of the choice I made to marry my spouse & additionally tack on the advice that hindsight is always clearer than foresight, again I say: I followed the spirit. Marrying my spouse was the right thing for me to do.)
I learned about daily communication and kindnesses on a deeper level than I had ever had a chance to. I learned about heart-filled laughter in the midst of deepening trials and pressures. I learned about comprimising & sacrificing & working together, and doing them all willingly and with an eye on the future and the goals we were working on. (Heaven or bust!) I learned about being independently dependent and moving past disappointments. I fought for & believed in my spouse with every ounce of my heart and soul, and did it willingly and lovingly. He was my priority. Our future was my priority. Being right with God was my priority.
And I was successful.
This truly is a situation where I couldn't have done anything to prevent this 'ending' to our story. There is nothing I could have done differently to fix the problem or change the course of events. I was oblivious to all of the additional issues of my spouse, and not because I was choosing to ignore them, not because I wasn't asking the right questions, not because I wasn't following the spirit, or because I was totally naive. --My spouse was just really that good at hiding his sins until he was caught in his lies.
And when I began learning about the hidden sins of my spouse, I took time to communicate, reflect, and create a game plan for getting through it successfully - for both of us. When it was discovered that there were still lies present, even in my spouse's ability to tell me whether he was hiding anything else, I realized I had to make a decision. I took the decision to the Lord. I attended the temple. I conversed with my dear sister. I created some space to make a decision with less of the emotional clouding, and I moved forward once I got the answer. No moving backward, no lollygagging, no back & forth. I ripped the band-aid off will full force. In shock and even denial at times, I had to remind myself this was real, but I still moved forward. Centimeters and inches in the beginning emotionally, but it was still forward.
Sad. Sad, sad situation. I am also having to learn at this point to stop protecting and defending my spouse. (Tonight is my first night of being consciously active in changing this). He has actions to be accountable and responsible for. And while the details are not for sharing, the factual basis is. & that's another hard thing for me to work on.

Oddly enough, I haven't had a trial of unanswered questions for Heavenly Father about why this happened to me . . . or why the Spirit didn't give me a heads up. It has always just felt like it's all okay. It happened the way it was meant to. There is no why, there is only the great blessings to be gained through deepening faith and trust in God and obedience to his commandments. I am learning lessons which I couldn't have learned any other way, and it is God's plan. It really is that simple.
Now don't get me wrong. I still get VERY lonely. I still cry tears from the deepest area of my very bruised heart. I still struggle to feel strong and capable and confident. I still battle with insecurities and have plenty of uncertainties about being accepted and loved and good enough. This is my life and these are battles I have fought every year of my life since middle school. (As have most of us.)
For whatever reason, though, Heavenly Father has allowed me the gift of having no doubts or wavering questions about why this happened. I honestly, with all my heart, feel like it is exactly the path I was supposed to have taken to be where I am today. . . and to prepare for my tomorrows. In so many ways, I am at the best place I have ever been. My focus and dedication in the gospel have never been so pointed and driven. I know where I stand, I know better than ever who I am, and where I am going. For that, I have to say that this is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. It is supremely difficult, but it is forcing me to give more than I've ever given, and to be something more than I was yesterday.
One of my good friends told me (with very little emotion) "Well, there are sadder stories." when I explained about my situation. I have thought of that over & over, and remembered that this is a HUGE loss, but it could be worse, and I need to get past any self-pity that tries to park on my heart's doorstep. Grieve and ache and cry, but don't let those things be the end. Dedicate yourself to something big. Give of your heart and time and soul. Ponder, reflect, and be worthy and humble.
And to add a bunch of additional blessings, Be Obedient!!

You never know where it will get you. : )

Irony . . . filled with Wisdom

I find it a strange irony that today, Conference Sunday, which has been so fulfilling, uplifting, and reassuring . . . today is the day that I feel that I am beginning to bear the weight of my newfound world more on my own. I am beginning to be weaned from the Spirit's merciful strength and sustaining power, & am being allowed to begin carrying more, bit by bit, on my own shoulders and faith. It has to happen, I need to grow and stretch and become. Something different. Something stronger. Something more reliant on the Lord. With faith rather than just the comforting hand of the Lord.

That whole faith thing usually requires more of us than we want to give.

It's going to be really, really hard.

I sorrow (so deeply) for so many things which are now forever lost and other many things which I am beginning to dread. (I know...dread, fear...they're the antithesis of faith.) Tonight I began to feel (much moreso than before) the loss of my best friend. I wanted so much to call and talk to the best friend I had for 3 years. I wanted that person to still be with me.

Loss is hard.

I just don't want to be here. Ever felt like that? Ok - duh. Everyone has. EVERYone. *sigh*

There's a quote...about the pains you endure granting your heart a special place which allows others to come in & be healed. Thank you all again for your prayers, love, and faith. For many of you thinking of me even though I am a stranger. I am grateful beyond expression for what you do for me and I want you to know that I gain strength from you and your words.

Testimony is a beautiful thing which gives strength. I know that because even as I decided I needed to think about the many things I KNOW (rather than all the things I don't want to face) I felt peace and strength and my cheeks dried. My heart may still be weeping, but I prefer that to it drying up. : ) I know my Savior knows me and loves me. I know He will hold me in His hand. And I know He will be with me through this journey. I do not have to do it alone.

And I am sincerely grateful for a perfectly wise Eternal Father who knows all, and who, in His wisdom and love, knows the appropriate time to have His Son set me gently back on my own two feet again. (Even making sure I am sufficiently strengthened before it happened.)

I am grateful to walk this journey. I know I didn't come here to be carried the whole way, and I also know that if there is strength to be had, I want to earn it. (I'm not saying I want every trial and hardship - um, no.) But I just know, more now than ever, that I want to be the girl I'm meant to become. I want to learn what I need to in order to grow and expand, and I want to experience what I need to in order to refine my spirit, heart, and soul. I want to be the Lord's. Whatever and however He sees fit to get me there, I'll do it. I just have to remember to keep my faith & testimony close - closer than anything.

I am not alone. We never will be. And as I move forward, since it's impossible to be carried and gain what I need to, I can simply remember that God gave me hands to be held while I walk.

Sister

It's my Sister's birthday today, and I am full of gratitude for the multitude of things she has taught me and the myriad of times she has rescued me (& my heart).

She is a voice of reason and reassurance in every storm I have passed through. She is wisdom and purity and a love so real you can almost grasp it in your hand. She is devotion, strength, wit, and security. She is honesty, compassion, empathy, sympathy, friendship, quiet warmth, and a hug that enfolds your heart. She is tugged and stretched and held by her family, and her heart is bigger & stronger than anyone I know. She is my sister & one of my greatest examples and friends on earth.

Being her younger sister, she has always been in my life. But way beyond that, she has truly always been there for me in my life, to share the good times and the tough times (and the pyschotic-episodes-at-Wal-Mart times -that's me who goes through those & my sister who has to endure them).

She is beautiful beyond measure.

Thank you for your journey of being & becoming who you are, my sister. You amaze me, and

I LOVE YOU!!

Have a wonderful birthday!!

Prayer

A friend of mine had a wooden plaque hanging in her room which read:
PRAYER CHANGES THINGS

It's been a couple of years since I saw it, but I loved its simple truth and quiet challenge. I realized today when responding to a beautiful e-mail from my sister-in-law, that God was blessing me in special ways prior to 'my September 6th'.
The week before my September 6th was Fast Sunday. Even as I was getting ready for church, I KNEW that I was going to bear my testimony that day & that I would bear my testimony of prayer. I was the 2nd person to the pulpit, and I bore my testimony of that simple, powerful, life-altering truth: PRAYER CHANGES THINGS. At that time I actually wondered to myself why this was the testimony I was bearing, because everything in my life was really, really good and in great order.
I didn't give a storimony. I just bore my testimony of how real prayer is and how grateful I am for the Spirit to be our liason between this world & the next. How even if our circumstances don't change, we change, and things get better. Prayer really does change things.
3 days later, the foundation of my marriage dissolved. Everything that was built on my marriage crumbled within a week. But because of my foundation being the gospel & Christ, I still stand. And PRAYER has given me access to my support (the Spirit & the Love of Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ), as literally as my skeleton is a support for my mortal frame. I would not be standing (even with my skeleton intact) were it not for the gifts accessible through Prayer. Believe me, I would be a non-functional lump of flesh & bones sobbing on the floor & unable to move. I've been there.
How amazing that I would be prompted by the Spirit & by a Father in Heaven who knows the end from the beginning (& all the in-betweens) to share a truth which would bless my life beyond measure, and which would be freshly imprinted in my heart & soul as a reminder & a gift - I am not alone - and I have open communication with He who can heal all things.
Prayer Changes Things.

Also, my sister-in-law mentioned that she & her children have been praying for me. She has explained to her kids that my heart had been hurt, and they have been praying for me.
I KNOW those prayers make a difference. K, J, & J, I want you each to know that I feel the difference because of your prayers. I feel Heavenly Father's love healing my heart and making me strong every hour of every day. You make a difference. Your prayers make a difference. Your faith makes a difference. You are helping me every day, every time you say a prayer for me. And for all your love, faith, and prayers, I want to Thank You.
For the rest of my family & nieces & nephews, and for anyone who has thought of me and cared because they know my amazing sister (Some Semblance of Order), I express the same heartfelt Thank You. You help to make me strong every day. I know that God's blessings are magnified and more powerful through the faith and prayers of others. And I want you to know that I give thanks for all of you each night & morning and ask for you to be blessed in return. It is a beautiful magnificent circle of love & life which I am honored to be in the loop of.

PRAYER CHANGES THINGS.
What could it change for you today?
Challenge yourself.
I am.

3 months 'til . . . Christmas

It's September 25th. Exactly 3 months 'til Christmas . . . & about the length of time an annulment (or) divorce should take to become finalized.

I guess I can't help but sigh. A broken marriage, open-ended dreams laying in fragments on the floor of my heart and mind, an empty place next to myself, and a sorrow for the loss of my dear friend and husband who I believed in with all my heart and life.

But I'm also gaining a brand-new hope for tomorrow, devoid of the current sacrifices and bounds which existed in my current relationship. Open-ended dreams laying in fragments on the floor of my heart and mind, just waiting to be picked up and put together again, in an unknown beautiful arrangement of joy and hope. An adventure which is just beginning and which I must wade through the difficult days in order to stand free and whole on the top of a bright new tomorrow. A full and overflowing heart with the Spirit and the Love of my Heavenly Father who remembers me. And a gratitude for the experience I've had to love someone so fully, so completely, and so honestly, that I would have given my life for him any day and which I did give my life to, every day. A chance to actually BE in a relationship (NOT the crappy SINGLE WORLD!!) and work and grow and move together - to not run away, and not be left behind, but to be together overcoming and gaining strength and experience.

(Another sigh). 3 months. I catch myself thinking that I want to fast-forward. But I don't. Even in the midst of the struggles and difficulties, I'm proud to say I'm married. I'm proud to say I'm a wife and a helpmeet. I'm happy to still be in open communication with my estranged spouse. . . . and I'm not anxious to be 'officially' single again. Even though spiritually, emotionally, and physically I'm already there. I guess this is a kindness from the legal system for me right now (IS there such a thing??) I can ease out of the role I love (in some weird terminology-sort of way). :) and besides, I know I want to live the journey.

(3rd sigh). It's good to stand up for what I believe in, whatever the cost. & honestly, it's really nice to actually be at a point in my life (1st time for everything) where I truly believe I'm worth something really, really good and real. It's incredibly humbling to feel that way at the cost of so many precious outlooks, hopes, and dreams. But I am gaining a trust of, and comfort from, our Savior, which has never been so deep, so poignant, and so real to me.

I can't say the price was worth it, to realize and gain all this - that isn't even the right way to perceive this situation.
I can & will, though, say that it is the greatest consolation prize ever received for having lost so much.
Don't take it for granted.

(& by the way, my sister, I LOVE YOU!!! Thank You for You.)

Once Upon a Time

Isn't that how all good stories begin? Mine is no exception. Really. It just hasn't finished yet.

So two-and-a-half weeks ago, my world turned upside down & has since been falling apart. Weirdly (but so not-weirdly) I have been okay and balanced and still upright. It's like one of those children's toy balls where there's a rod through the middle of the ball with a smaller figure attached in the very middle. As many times as you turn the ball and roll it and twist it, the figure inside (may wobble for a bit) but it stays upright. It adapts. Quickly. Every time. And the only way that would change is if the figure lost what kept it upright and balanced - a special anchor at it's foundation.
Now seriously, it's weird that I'm thinking of this analogy because I don't have kids yet, I've never owned one of those toys, and I've really only seen them a handful of times in my life. But the principle of the way it works is building my testimony today. I have the restored gospel of Jesus Christ as my anchor. & no matter what happens outside myself, no matter how close it is to my personal world & environment, the anchor is there for me, helping me to right myself and be in the right position to handle what is ahead and to see clearly - to be looking and facing in the right direction. It feels good. And I feel strengthened.

Now back to that 'Once upon a time'. It is real. This story you're building and writing each day is yours. What you do, every day, every time you come to a decision, builds your character and plot. If there is anything I would encourage each of you to do today, it would be to be honest. With yourself. With your loved ones. With God. Be honest, and pray for courage and strength to be true. Face your demons, whatever they may be. Be a true character with weaknesses, with heartaches, with struggles and trials and sorrows. Let us love you for who you really are, let us cheer for you for the battles you are really fighting and challenges you are really facing. Let us fight next to you, with you. Let us share tears with you and not just for you. These are the characters we find so much inspiration in and who change our lives and hearts - beautifully, even as they are changing themselves.
But you must be true and honest. If not, you are only building a spider-web version of the reality which should exist. The life which is so tangible, so immensely fulfilling, and so amazingly joyful. A world which will not crumble, will not be destroyed, and which will indeed withstand all that this mortal world and Satan's efforts can throw at it. A foundation to build your forever-dreams on and which will surely become your reality because you have poured your whole self in, and not just nice ideas or a pretty picture of what is hoped for or expected. You have put Yourself in - the raw materials of your heart, soul, mind, and will, which are imperfect, yes, but which are REAL and therefore something to be worked with and improved upon.
This story, this world, this dream, this reality - it is something I have fought for through all my life and which I continue to fight passionately for. Be Yourself. Be True. Be Honest. Be who You are Meant to Be.

Pictures.......Perfect!

I finally have a place of my own at work. And the best thing about it - it's my place to customize and personalize to my heart's desire. So....in came the pictures!! & I discovered the joy of having smiling faces & captured memories brightening my entire workday. Plus I took in a few other treasured items to help remind me what I'm working for (river rocks, beach sand, and a really old Hershey's chocolate tin.) So thank you to my family & friends for the fabulous memories & the gift you give each day in the thought of your love and place in my heart & life.
Ok, I'm all sappy. But I mean it. Thanks guys!

Daylight

It's fantastic being awake and alert during the sunshine-filled hours. I'm up at dawn, asleep at dark, and succeeding without the aid of caffeine or sleeping aids . . . and I was able to pull the blanket down from the window.

ENTER: DAYLIGHT!!

What?! What's that??!!

My new job is awesome. But I have an obstacle. I have to learn how to relax and deal with down-time. (What is this 'relax' thing I keep hearing about? What is down-time?) I found out today I'm NOT going to be busy ALL the time I'm at work. (Uhhhh, how does that work? What do you mean?) I'm not a slow-paced worker. I don't like having nothing to do. I'm accustomed to constant multi-tasking and carrying on mile-a-minute-bits-&-pieces-when-we-can-fit-it-in conversations with co-workers during my busy busy non-stop, very UN-down-time work hours.
Uhhhh, not here. The new job is like a big, relaxed, happy career family. I am a fish out of water right now, flopping and flipping and wriggling and spasming around on the dry bare floor of an honest-to-goodness 'relaxed' work environment.
& I'm sure plenty who read this will think 'Wow, it's gotta be reeeaaall rough, there, Bec.' (yayaya) I'm not saying I'm at all displeased, because I know I can find ways to improve what's existing and can still look forward to taking on new projects (pick me! pick me! - how annoying am I?) : )
But this is actually exactly what 2 of my doctors have ordered. 'Remove all stress possible from your life.' Which I laaaaaaaaaaaughed at before. But suddenly it's part of my job. Relax. Sit back. Put in some soothing music. Do your work, do it well, and do it efficiently, but STOP the freakishly paced non-stop-aholic-ness.
Pretty great, I must say!!

IT'S OVER!!!

While I was completing my final 911 shift, I kept having a certain line run through my head: IT'S OVER!!! And it's not just any IT'S OVER!!!, it's a very specific one. To check it out, you'll have to watch a cartoon first.

A: go to the link below
B: select Toons at the bottom of the screen
C: select Teen Girl Squad
D: enjoy them all
E: then check out the rest of the site and laugh, cry, pass gass . . . whatever you most enjoy.

www.homestarrunner.com

Or for a shortcut for the 1st Teen Girl Squad Toon, just go straight to
http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs1.html

Anyway, it's made me smile and laugh all night long. And when it finally was OVER!!! I was smiling all the way to my car in the dark rainy parking lot. And driving home. And coming in and talking to my still-awake husband at 3:40 in the freakin AM, conversing about the fact that I will never again have to work shift work. EVER. everevereverever.
Unless I want to, & then I might need committed.

But here's the amazing thing. If you actually got through the book of my last entry, you know the job has it's agonizing, irritating, and frustrating aspects. But I feel it imperative that I also mention the quality of people you can find in a center like 911.
They are OUTSTANDING.In so many ways. They are witty beyond reason. They work HARD (and play hard). They are beautifully, practically, wisely down-to-earth. They are utterly professional without being aloof and formal. They cuss loud and laugh deeply. They will go the extra mile for you. And they know how to show appreciation.One of the on-duty supervisors bought me a dozen red roses. Another supervisor gave me a Best Wishes card and a pen. Bunches of employees signed a Goodbye & Good luck card. And a co-worker brought in a gift.While I ended up being held yesterday for mandatory overtime from 3AM-5AM (staffing was too low) & I wasn't able to leave early tonight like I had requested last week (staffing was too short), I still received more than I ever would have imagined.
I expected a simple smile & 'We'll miss you being here to help with staffing!' and was blown away by the overwhelming generosity, support, and kindness given.Leaving this time has been a really good separation. (Even one of my callers gave me a specific compliment that almost made me cry -- those are really rare, by the way).
And the greatest part is moving forward into another phase with no regrets and a ton of gratitude and hope. I look at a regular dayshift with weekends and holidays off as a HUGE blessing, and am REALLY excited to have time off to go camping with my husband! And I'm really happy to be so joyous when I realize (for the 2nd time in my career)

IT'S OVER!!!

The Countdown

For anyone who has a job they're ready to move on from, and currently awaiting the start date for the job they're ready to move into, you know how I'm feeling.
I don't really like to think about the Tminus 20 hours of worktime I have left since that only makes the clock arms at work move like molasses uphill. So I've done pretty well just ignoring the whole thing til I'm finished & then I hope to breathe a gigantic sigh of relief & not feel goofy in the tiniest degreee about the cheezeball grin plastered to my face for the next 24 hours.

Not to say that my current job isn't interesting and quite enjoyable in its own element. Being a 911 Operator has exposed me to stuff I never imagined I would have to hear & discern . . . drunk people who are funny, drunk people who are irate (by the way they lose the ability to reason & seem to repeat their favorite cuss words a LOT), sober people who are irate & incredibly insulting (& who know combinations of swearwords which they must've mastered while working as sailors on the open sea), couples who won't stop screaming at each other, 9 year olds with issues so severe you could swear an angry elephant and pack of wild hyenas are making all the noise in the background, kids threatening parents with knives, horrific accidents including vehicles rolling over (and sometimes people walking away after being ejected) or tragedies of children being run over or crushed by large pieces of furniture, structure fires, non-breathers, psychiatric patients who are not quite 'crazy' enough to need to be in a facility and who loooove to call and talk or yell at us, information calls, complaint calls on officers, animal calls, party calls, thefts, burglaries, robberies (there really is a difference between the last three!) . . . pretty much anything you can imagine in the crime and public safety world, we've been a part of.
911 Operators are the first line of contact in emergencies for the police and fire department, and we are responsible for entering accurate calls for service, relaying only the important information (but not missing any of it), verifying information (which seems to infuriate many callers by wasting those precious 3-5 seconds of ensuring we have their address correct), maintaining our professionalism and composure when being slandered and verbally attacked, and when our callers' worst nightmare was just found to be their reality - we keep them with us (emotionally especially) until officers or medics are there to take over . . . we're responsible for a LOT and our liability is extremely high. Say something against the written policy & you can be held liable in a court of law with no one backing you up (reeeaaallly frustrating when you have a rare situation there's no policy on yet - think mom & child both unconscious in the pool & hubby asking 'who should I pull out first?' or someone asking if it's okay to let someone with a severe head injury fall asleep (policy doesn't tell us what to advise) . . . so we have to master the art of expressing concern, sympathy, reason, and confidence in our information & abilities in order to honestly say 'I'm not a medical professional & I don't have any answer for you there, but paramedics are enroute and they will be able to let you know.' Even if a 911 Operator has a background as a nurse or paramedic, they are not allowed to give information outside the policy to our callers. Well, I guess we're all allowed, but we won't be defended if something goes awry and we go to court for any reason. Basically, it's a really thin line we learn to tread.
I'm leaving this job for a second time, and going to a secretarial position for a second time. And there is still a part of me (it's a smaller part this 2nd time around) that is saddened by the realization that I won't be the voice over 911 any longer. It truly is a fantastic job, full of intrigue, fascination, adrenaline, and hope. My beef with it is that is also is a SHIFT-WORK job, with no guarantee of holidays off (ever, no matter how much senority you have) unless you have chosen those days as your regular days off.
I learned quickly that Christmas Eve & New Years Eve (& Christmas & New Years) fall on the same days of the week. Thanksgiving is okay to be sacrificed because the potluck at the communications center is outstanding. Cinco De Mayo (especially when it's on a weekend night) is a superb day to put in a vacation slip for, well in advance if you can - unless you can speak Spanish & then it's not so big of a deal. And Easter - if you would like to celebrate it as a Religious holiday & maintain a spirit of calm reflection and reverence - should not be done while at work. No one you talk to on the phone shares these sentiments, and family fights resulting in 911 calls often erupt with large family gatherings.
It was my dream job 7 years ago when I first started and was single, and I am grateful beyond expression for the friendships forged through long quiet graveyard nights and hectic non-stop afternoon shifts (especially during the anthrax and 9-11 horrors). The experience earned and refining of character has been gradual and highly appreciated by myself. Funny how I can let the name-calling, cussing, and yelling roll right off my back at work, but in a personal setting with people I know, just an exasperated sigh or tone of voice can leave me feeling horrible and in tears. It's kinda like I've acquired a specialized armor which waits invisibly at the door to my job and automatically slips on and off as I enter and exit - so subtley done, in fact, that I've never even noticed. In fact, I'm sure of it. It's a gift we're granted as we work each day, and the longer we're there, the harder the reinforcement becomes.
Anyway - 2 10 hour shifts is all I have left of the 911 world, and I am beyond elated to be calling my new job my workplace 'home' for the next stage in my career-life. I'm still working with the police department, just in a different area where my love of paperwork, forms, and data entry (and weekends and holidays) will all be indulged. I'll have my own desk and space, and can breathe easily through the shift-changes taking effect all around me. I think I'm pretty darn lucky to be in this place again, and to have received so much love, support, and understanding along the way. Family members & friends, THANK YOU for your patience during my daylight REM sleep and for my mix-ups with the days and dates (it's my Friday...Um but it's Monday, right). Thank you for not calling me early in the morning (which I know is really 10:00 but is like 3AM for me) and for being willing to adjust your timing to my schedule every 3-4 months. I have been truly, incredibly blessed, in so many ways, and although it's a little early, wave goodbye to a great job with sucky schedules. (I know, I know, it's only sucky if you don't have 7-8 years worth of senority to choose the schedule you wanted, or don't get your vacation slip signed when you're due to leave the country tomorrow and you only need 2 hours of your time covered, or you have to work on the holidays because your name wasn't drawn in the 'holiday lottery', or can't get time off on short notice for an important family gathering or event - or to pick up your child. You're Right.)

Green Lightning?!

We had an incredible electrical storm last night. If you've seen the re-make of War of the Worlds, it was a lot like that with the literally non-stop flashing all around, & the thunder only occasionally sounding (creating an umm-this-is-weird & when-are-the-huge-aliens-gonna-pop-outta-the-roads vibe in the air). To add to the weirdness, there was green lightning. Yep, you read that right, g-r-e-e-n. To the west of our home, we saw flashes of green several different times, mostly coming from the ground, but at least once in the air. (again, weeeiiirrd) But cool.
Research on the internet gave explanations from 1) hail (there wasn't any) to 2)a blown transformer - the zinc or copper vaporize (very likely 'cept what about that one in the middle of the sky?), to 3) atmospherics, and I quote, 'Atmospherics can dictate the color of lighting and the distribution of energy....in short.. could have been green lightning'. Quite interesting to think about & really, really cool to witness.
The storm itself lasted about 10 hours and dumped up to 2 inches of rain in areas of the valley (that's incredible for the desert valley here!) Aside from not having to be at work during nature's awesome light display, I was also able to spend the time with my husband. (Double the pleasure). He suggested we park near an empty field when the lightning was first spotted far to the north of us, in order to enjoy the show even more....AND we ate dinner while doing it! He was impressed that we weren't the only ones with this idea, and I was wow-ed all over again at how great my husband is for me. Needless to say, I couldn't help thinking 'These are the days I'll look back on and cherish, and this feeling is one to never forget.'
Safely watching the power of nature and sitting next to my best friend & husband are 2 miracles I hope I never take for granted.
Plus, my hubby made the comment that this was God's way of celebrating my new job. (YAY to the new job with no more shift-work, but even more YAY to my hubby for knowing another way to make me feel incredibly special and celebrated.)

Caged Thunder

Thanks to the expertise & example of my sister & her family, crate-training for a dog was no new idea or experimental consideration. It simply is the way we're training. & it has already helped to make puppy-land (especially the urination part) a much smoother union with people-land.
We've officially decided on the name Thunder for the furry bugger. His yap might not fill the implications of such a name yet, but we have full confidence that it will. (Although we really liked Pat's suggestion of Hades.)