Susan Ludwig

You are forever in our hearts.

December

I’m not sure what the secret is to people finding their eternal companions, and marrying for forever. Whatever it is, the universe (God) has helped me to become a little more savvy in the process of accomplishing above said, but those darn secrets are still secret to me. Maybe it’s just the truth of God’s timing being the most important thing, and us needing to trust in His perfect plan, AND learning not to compare. (Kinda hard when your peers often have 5+ kids, some with 14 year olds…and you’re now attending the family wards as a Single Adult.) My life is in a very different place, my heart has very different struggles, but that being said, I believe that we (married people AND single people) have the same goals and dreams and convictions regarding life and families…we’re just in different phases of implementation.

• We believe in eternal marriage, and are fighting everyday to make it a possibility.
• We believe in eternal families, and work everyday to help make that goal a reality.
• We believe in loving, nurturing, and teaching children.
• We know that daily life is hard, chaotic, our hearts often break, and our bodies become weary, but our families are worth whatever price we’re required to pay.
• The gospel is central to establishing the happiest eternal life and family possible. It deepens our joys, extends our endurance, strengthens our hearts and spirits, and helps ease our aches.

I’m learning to trust that I AM where God needs me to be, and where I am meant to be. I’m trusting deeper that if He needed me somewhere else, He would move me – even quickly – as I’ve witnessed several times in my life. I’m learning to never take a day or opportunity for granted ( and to rejoice in them as they occur!!) because you never know how long those moments will be available. I’m learning to forgive more fully, to love with less defenses, and to live with more daily joy. And I’m learning that everything that happens in life is good – that all things we encounter are for our good…no matter how unfair or tough. The Lord’s beautiful mercy and plan allow even the worst things to become events of growth and refinement, making us better, and blessing our lives.

I have found great comfort in knowing that people get married all the time who are unprepared for marriage, and who will fumble and falter. I say that, because being single, I tend to feel like maybe I haven’t done enough to qualify for the blessings of marriage again…but then I remember that it’s not about being qualified, it’s about it being right, and our desires being in line with the Lord’s and His timetable. I have to admit, I get confused sometimes…where is the line between being faithful and submissive, and not being assertive and proactive enough? And I wonder how to fight for what I want without overstepping my bounds.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t hope for the beginning whispers of my future family to start taking shape. And I have also established a habit so there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t rejoice in where I am today, and who I have become through my school of life…to enjoy the blessings and gifts of this day, this circumstance, and know that I am where God needs me to be. It is an odd balance to maintain, and it requires an enormous amount of faith and trust in God to hold at bay the onslaught of Satan’s criticism and comparisons.

I do enjoy the simplicity of single life – the ease of making decisions, and the spontaneity which I am allowed to be so creative with. I enjoy the surplus of time I have to serve those I love, strengthen existing friendships, and create new ones. New faces, new adventures and opportunities to travel, learn, and grow...

But having been married, I also know that (for me) even the hardest days of marriage were better than the best days of being single. The reason? Because there is no greater happiness I’ve experienced than loving people, and finding ways to serve and support them. This is what my heart and hands were built for. And I have an intense desire to be focused on the things that matter in the long run…to build relationships that will last, and to work together in a team whose goal is ‘Heaven or Bust’. There is no greater fulfillment or sense of accomplishment I have achieved than the feelings I experienced in knowing I was a successful helpmeet, friend, and wife. These are the things that are most important to me, and being single, I am able to exercise only a portion of this. I can support my friends and family, I love them and serve them and find great joy in our relationships. But we are not an eternal companionship – there are no specific common goals (or even home) – and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. And I miss it. I miss the sacrifices, I miss the sweetness, I miss having something bigger to live for. Having tasted it, and enjoyed the security and beauty and joy that comes through working through difficult situations, moods, and joys, of overcoming roadblocks together and supporting each other on our battlefields, nothing else comes close to comparing. I have never felt more purpose, more fulfillment, more joy. It is breathtakingly difficult and easy.

And for the month of December, as I walk through weeks and memories, I am grateful for the chance I have to love marriage, and to have confidence in myself as a future wife. I don’t know when (and somedays don’t know how,) but I know it will happen again, and for that day, I am already grateful beyond measure.

And until then, I am grateful for each day that my heart is strengthened and for my ever-deepening gratitude for my life plan and purpose, and for those who love and serve me, and allow me to do the same for them. Wherever I go, whatever my life consists of, I am grateful for this life of miracle and experience!

The Anatomy of Finding Heaven

Last week I had the chance to follow a quiet stirring in my soul and do a good deed for a stranger whom I had struck up a conversation with.

Afterward, I couldn’t believe how intensely sweet and effulgent the feeling was that I experienced, and I was grateful to have had the chance to serve one of God’s children. As I drove away in my car, I glowed. I couldn't help but smile, and felt like I would almost burst with good-feelingness. And the thought occurred to me:

You cannot buy this feeling;
it must be given away.

I’m highly analytical about many of the feelings and thought-processes I have, especially lately. Over the last 6 months, I’ve read some books that have taught me a different way to see and live, and I pondered this incident. Here are a few of the things I found intriguing:

Once I had the desire and thought to serve this stranger, a second voice immediately followed with a rebuttal and reason not to.

(Because of the ideas I have been striving to live by, I chose to stop and consider the situation. In the past, I’ve most often just dismissed the original thought.)

• The rebuttal made sense, it was practical.
• It also painted my desire in a negative way, so that if I DID follow through and do it, I would think of myself in a negative light - as being impractical, naïve, and a sucker…doing something that was unnecessary.
• The rebuttal was entirely selfish, and thought nothing of the stranger’s circumstances –only of myself, my needs, and my desire to not be seen as impractical, etc.
• The rebuttal made the sacrifice seem very large.

• The desire was Christlike, sincere, and loving.
• The desire was an act of help & assistance.
• It reminded me that I am blessed beyond measure in my life, and my blessings are meant to be shared.
• I knew that God would see it as an act of kindness and love – He would be grateful that I reached out to one of his children who are struggling. There was no question of whether He would judge me as being impractical or unnecessary.
• That last realization made my sacrifice seem worth it – a tiny, even miniscule, thing to do.

I find it especially interesting to me the way that our natural man paints something so inaccurately of what it truthfully is…it is not a weak and stupid person that serves, sacrifices, and extends kindness; it is a strong and loving person. Acts of service are strong, not weak.

When I made my decision initially, I wasn’t convinced that it was the right thing to do. I quickly just decided I would follow the idea of not betraying my inner voice (which teaches me daily how to be,) and just do this thing. So, unlike so many other times when I had allowed the rebuttal to convince me, I fought it. I allowed the first instinct to win.

Once acted upon, the idea of my sacrifice was swept away, and my whole body was flooded with joy. The arguments existing in my mind seemed weak, hollow, flimsy, and selfish…there was nothing that could compare to the feeling I experienced, and it’s a feeling you can’t find or acquire by any other means. The feeling was worth much, much more than my sacrifice, and it was then that the above line of inspiration came to me.

A few weeks ago, I was talking with my sister about the unexpected side-effects of implementing more service in my weeks, and shared with her a thought I had regarding all the energy and joy I was experiencing:

Service is a gift you give

yourself

I am so grateful to be in a world where I have unlimited opportunities to serve, and to know of the sweetness such service and sacrifice can render in our own hearts and lives.

And I am inexpressively grateful for the knowledge and example of a Savior who lived and sacrificed daily, giving of his life and heart and wisdom to mankind, and who allowed his earthly life of love and service to end by giving the ultimate sacrifice – to choose to stay and perish on the cross in order to provide mankind with a way to be cleansed and healed from our sins and hurts which accumulate in this life. He was the ultimate example of one who was abused, misunderstood, mistreated, and betrayed…and he willingly, over and over, submitted with meekness and humility. These were not acts of weakness, but of strength. A strength I can’t begin to fathom. A strength rooted in God, our Eternal Father, and in truth. A strength that we have access to every day of our lives.

Vacations Revealed...
This will hopefully be one of many blogs documenting my different summer vacations. Here's to new discoveries and places!!

Ahhhhhhh, Yosemite.
I drove from AZ to CA on a Saturday...stayed overnight at a motel, and went to church at a local ward Sunday morning...and then drove 2 more hours to arrive at YOSEMITE!!
[image]
I discovered a waterfall just before you get to the main pullout for the valley view. I hadn't noticed it last time I was here, and was excited to get a closer view...so I hopped the safety rail & hiked down to get this shot. : ) This is the famous view of the valley. You drive through a tunnel, and !!BAM!! see this beauty of a view. El Capitan is on the left (one of the largest sheer granite monoliths in the world at 3000 ft), Half Dome can be seen poking out in the middle (90% vertical grade, and 4800 ft high), and Bridal Veil Falls on the right (620 ft high). Standing at this vantage point as I begin my vacation is a wonderful feeling...it's a phenomenal & thrilling realization that I'm on the edge of 'HERE' and I get to go explore and camp and play in this wonderful area...get dirty from camping and hiking, get sprayed by waterfall mist, ride my bike around the valley this time, and have visual overloads of majesty and awe everywhere I turn. Seriously...life doesn't get much better for this heart of mine! (As I stand there bouncing on the balls of my feet in excitement.) : ) Bridal Veil Falls is always next on the list since the trailhead is right off the main road. The base of this falls is an easy quarter mile hike...and once there, you're literally being rained on my the mist. Last time I went, I didn't know the 'legend' of the falls and although it was really COLD, I stood at the base getting soaked while everyone else tentatively snuck up to the viewpoint...and then ran away to avoid the moisture. I was awed and exhilarated to be getting wet from WATERFALL MIST!! Later I found out that according to legend, if you are single, the wetter you get from the falls, the sooner you'll meet your future spouse & marry. (& it worked! 8 months later I started dating the guy I married!) This time I stood, I sat, and I relished the waterfall & it's rainy mist. We'll see if it works the 2nd time, too. ; )


Sunday evening I set up camp and rode my bike around the valley, soaking up the exhilaration of standing in the valley, watching roaring waterfalls across the meadow, and smiling in amazement and awe at the 3000 foot cliffs on every side of me. I kept stopping on the bike path and turning around and around to experience (and try to hold onto) the feeling of being there and feeling so blessed to be a part it.

Last time I went (2001), I vacationed here by myself. This time I was open to having company. I still traveled by myself and planned for the trip to be solo, but invited my dad to join me as well. He wasn’t certain if he’d be able to come up due to work & schedules, but he did! He arrived Monday night and stayed til Wednesday morning when I headed home. We spent time talking by the campfire and spent Tuesday exploring some of the main valley sights. It was a neat experience to spend with him, this being the longest one-on-one conversation we've had. (My parents divorced when I was one year old and he moved to California while we stayed in Arizona.)
The opportunity to spend time with my dad was both difficult and rewarding. I learned a lot about myself, was able to experience more of who my dad is & the beliefs that he holds sacred, and I have discovered greater peace in my personal beliefs that God is real and that He loves and knows me...and that this isn't just a fictional idea or story. I really am God's child. He really does answer prayers, and He pours out mercies and blessings in our lives. It's real.

My dad doesn't share the same beliefs about God that I do. I respect the difference in opinion & beliefs. I respect that he feels passionately about his beliefs. And I hope that he does the same for me. It is a unique challenge to be with someone that I have numerous traits in common with, yet find very little common ground with...I accept that there is a cautionary wall which I've built between he & I, and that I am still learning where to fit a relationship with him in my life. Even after 30 years of being apart, I still carry expectations of what I think a father should be in some respects. It's not really difficult for me to accept him for who & what he is as a person, but when I bring the father-daughter relationship into the equation, I still carry expectations that aren't our reality, and never have been. I'm still working on knowing where my 'peaceful place' is in the equation.

I AM so grateful for the chance to learn more about my dad, and to have more understanding about how we interact. And I'm incredibly grateful for the time and energy he spent in coming to join me in the beautiful Yosemite Valley. It was a rare experience in my life, and one which I will not forget. Thank you, Dad, for making it possible!

Another big highlight for this trip was my hike to the summit of Upper Yosemite Falls. When I vacation, I’m far from an overzealous planner when it comes to my daily schedules, but I do like having a general idea of what I’d like to accomplish & want to have options of how the days might play out. I knew I wanted a challenging hike this trip, and, as usual, wanted to explore something new.
So I headed out Monday morning on my bike to try out the Upper Yosemite Falls trail. I wasn’t even committed to making it to the top, but I was excited for the day and the new trail ahead. After a beautiful 4-mile bike ride through the valley, I parked my bike and walked the half-mile to the trailhead…and began the 3.5 miles of UP. The trail has an elevation gain of 2700 feet, and it really is almost constantly uphill. I made a group of friends for the 1st 1.5 miles or so, and although they stopped at the first really scenic lookout, their enthusiasm and description of the view from the top was inspiring enough to get my motivation and determination flowing.
I didn’t really know what to expect from the rest of the hike other than it being challenging and offering a really great view at the end. I had my breath taken away when the trail opened up to an unparalleled view of the upper falls, and I realized the path was leading me right next to its enormous base. I had to force myself to watch the trail instead of the falls, and was amazed and thrilled to listen to its powerful, continuous roar. It was daunting to look up at the cliffs and realize that I was headed to the top of them. Daunting, surreal, and exhilarating.

I didn’t take a picture of the also-daunting switchbacks you face on the trail before you get to the summit, but I think I trekked through those at possibly the slowest human pace ever. I did finally make it to the top, though, and was greeted with a huge slab of rock to die (or rest) on. At this point, all I had to do was catch my breath and give my muscles a quick rest, and I was bounding along the rest of the trail, my exhaustion replaced with excitement for being ‘almost there’ (which is one of my favorite feelings, ever!)


Walking up to the very edge at the completion of a ‘to-the-top’ hike is always so enjoyable and remarkable for me. There’s such a deep surge of satisfaction in knowing I MADE IT, and here I am, able to revel in the beauty and view and joy that my hard work has made possible. It’s so inspiring to sit on the edge and realize what my body has just accomplished. You made this possible. No manufactured engines, or artificial power…just the miraculous body that God has blueprinted for us.
I'm still a girl who enjoys sitting on the edge, with my feet dangling over, enjoying the view and sense of mixed liberation and exhilaration of being RIGHT there on the edge. I want as little as possible between me and that splendid, majestic view, and I LOVE heights. The wind and the view are the closest I come to flying without flying. I think hang-gliding should be on my list of things to do next.

Being at the top of a difficult hike is exhilarating and reverential for me. I can’t help but think of how amazing God is, and how much evidence I find in the way our bodies work and tick. I’m always further convinced that God is the master in charge of this life I lead. And then I look around at the beauty of the earth and its natural majesty and grandeur, in all its unique beauties and forms, and I’m impressed with the reverence of how capable and competent He is as the God of earth and heaven. There is something I experience in nature, fresh air, and pushing my body to work hard, which I can only explain as heaven-sent and heaven-inspired. In all this amazingness, in all this glory, I MATTER, and God knows me. And He loves me. I never feel unimportant or forgotten in the vast grandeur of nature and the sky…I feel small in comparison, but ALWAYS feel overwhelming peace and love in knowing that I exist, and that with all these things God has created, I am a being whom He loves and treasures. I am His daughter, and He is aware of me and is guiding my life.
These experiences are the reasons I’ve loved the great outdoors throughout my life. I find a connection, freedom, and sense of belonging that I compare only to the religious experience of praying and discovering that God is more than just an idea. They continue to build my testimony and my confidence and trust that all will be well in my life and in the world. Things are often hard. Hard beyond belief. But the end is worth it. And it always will be.

What Heaven Sees

‘Shingles’ wards are now officially part of my past; no longer my present or future. I’m old enough that I’m attending the family wards now. And since I recently moved, I’m only 3 weeks into my new ward, so I’m getting ‘warmed up’ to the feel of the ward, the dynamics of the families, and awaiting my ward calling. I’ve been hoping that whatever calling I receive, that it will involve the youth. I miss families. I miss kids. I miss feeling like I get to live & give part of the mother-heart I possess. Thinking about my personal preference right now, I wanted to be in primary. And I wasn’t very keen on being in Young Womens. No real specific reason other than the girl-world can be a bit much for me sometimes.

Last week, the Young Women’s program was put on in my new ward.

I forgot they had those.

The girls stood up and recited their parts. I saw personalities and strength and struggling and beauty. I saw insecurity, indifference, depth, sweetness, shyness, and boldness. I saw friendship, support, smiles, nerves, and confidence. I remembered those years and feelings, and how brave you have to be every day as a teenager.

Then they sang a song. Me & songs…they’re powerful for me.

I teared up during this song, sung by sweet young voices. I remembered how my testimony had grown as I felt the spirit and God's love as I sang specific songs when I was younger, and felt my adult testimony strengthen as I heard the chorus repeated.

The song has been in my head the last 3 days. I tear up, even today, when I read or hear the chorus and especially the last stanza in the song. It’s been a rough road, but I understand today, more than ever before, the worth I possess as a daughter of God. And my heart is filled with gratitude for a Heavenly Father who looks down and angels that surround, and for their belief in me and all I can do. And I pray to keep these eyes to see what Heaven sees in me.

"What Heaven Sees In You - audio".

What Heaven Sees In You

Sent to this earth, you were saved through the ages for this day and time.

Child of great worth, child of promise, daughter of the divine;

Pure and holy, in a little white dress

You were held in a circle and you were blessed.

And the Father looked down and the angels surrounded that place.

They knew the truth—all that you could do

And you will too if you have eyes to see

What heaven sees in you.

Dressed in white once more, making promises to follow in God's way.

So much lies in store for the little girl who enters at the gate.

Pure and holy, in a little white dress

You were led into the water and you were blessed.

And the Father looked down and the angels surrounded that place.

They knew the truth—all that you could do

And you will too if you have eyes to see

What heaven sees in you.

Do you understand who you are?

Part of the Father lives in you.

And if you continue on this path

Every promise God has given will come true.

Heaven on earth, in the House of God so much fills your heart and mind.

Woman of great worth, woman of promise, daughter of the divine;

Pure and holy, in a long white dress

You promise forever and you are blessed.

And the Father looks down and the angels surround that place.

They know the truth—all that you can do

And you do too, 'cause you have eyes to see

What heaven sees in you.

Will you have eyes to see what heaven sees in you?

©2001 Doug Walker & Sherry Marks Walker

: ) I really wouldn't mind being in Young Womens.

And whatever I'm asked to do, I'm excited for the chance to serve and love and grow.

Summer into Fall

Even though it doesn’t quite feel like it in Mesa yet, Summer is officially over, and Fall is in swing. I think palm tree fronds should change color and fall off. Actually, why am I limiting it to just palm fronds? ALL desert-abiding trees should be deciduous!!

More than the desire to experience skeletal trees for 6 months, I’m missing the visual differentiation of seasons. I plan on getting up to the ‘high’ country this fall and enjoying the changing leaves, but I miss having it on my doorstep. Literally.

Growing up, I was at my grandparents’ house everyday. And they had a TON of Fall-respecting trees. We had 4 willow trees in my front yard, too, so I miss the leaves being everywhere during late Fall when the air is crisp. Raking them into ‘houses’, making leaf beds and HUGE piles to jump into…climbing out of the piles laughing, with leaves everywhere in my hair and on my clothes, and grandma bringing out hot chocolate to drink while we sat in my mapped out ‘kitchen’…those are joyous memories! And even after 9 years of living in a desert valley, it doesn’t feel adequate to simply have a slight temperature drop announce that Fall has arrived.



So if you are somewhere that the leaves are changing color, enjoy it extra for me. Take pictures and relish in the beauty and wonder of Fall arriving in its quiet, artistic glory. Play and laugh and revel in its calm yet commanding magnificence.


And now, on to my Summer-now-past…


It was FANTASTIC. My best, EVER, and full of some of the best things life has to offer:

• deepening friendships


• newfound friends


• abundant smiles


• heart-filled laughter


• surprising & unexpected joys


• uncharted territory (for me, at least)


• last minute adventures


• road-trips chock-filled with merriness


• new camping spots


• visual wonders leaving their reverence forever imprinted on my heart


• star-filled skies


• crickets chirping me to sleep


• giddiness-inducing thunderstorms & rain


• chaos being subdued by brilliance & creativity


• answers to prayer


• forward motion


• cartwheels


• lakes


• hikes


• family


• dinosaurs


• soft grass


• trees


• mountains


• flavored honey


• bare feet


• cabins


• wind-blown hair


• birthday celebrations


• nature’s majesty


• 4-wheelers in the mountains


• hammocks


• feet-out-the-car-window (wind between my toes!!)


• a new home


• a new job


• waterfalls


• ponytails


• tents


• guidance


• uninhibited JOY

It has been phenomenal, and I feel blessed with the opportunity to be who and where I am today.

Here are some of the places I visited this summer:

Yosemite

Portland, Oregon

Mexico!!

Utah with the fam! - 24th of July

North & South Rim of Grand Canyon

And September started out with a trip to Zion Nat’l Park, UT!

I also spent the 24th of July in Salt Lake City with family, went to a friend's cabin in Heber (AZ) for Independence Day, and camped at Horton Creek & the Mogollon Rim...as well as spent my birthday in New Mexico (Silver City & the City of Rocks) with family!!

Out of 12 consecutive weekends, I was at home for only 2 of them. And I enjoyed every crammed minute of travel and trip!

It makes such a positive difference in the quality of living to have good friends and associations that support me in my life and dreams and share in my joy and laughter! I am grateful beyond measure to have found a number of solid friendships which continue to provide an inlet and outlet of support and joy and love.

Here’s to Fall & Winter being just as beautiful and warm as the Summer. Warm hearts, mittens, scarves, and cold weather camping…it’s great to be alive!

"HALLELUJAH anyway!"

Thanks, Karen!! Y

PORTLAND!!

Totally last minute & not much time to post this blog before I go camping near Payson….I changed my plans to hike to Havasupai next week & am going to PORTLAND instead!! I’m gonna be staying with some local LDS singles, so I’ll get to enjoy really being in the singles’ world there…and save some much needed $$! I’m hoping that I can repay the favor by helping them find a similar set-up if they choose to visit Mesa in the next year or so. : )

Here are my Must-Do’s - I’m SO looking forward to them!! …everything else is up in the air. : D

MULTNOMAH FALLS


Heck. Ya.

PORTLAND TEMPLE


The Columbia River & Mt. Hood are beautiful, too…it’s SO exciting to anticipate what each day will bring, knowing that each available day is a blank palette and can be changed at the drop of a hat…or rain! Inside, outside…it’s gonna be SO fun to explore a place I’ve been considering visiting or moving to for the last 18 months!!

Not only do I love the rain, but I love the idea of moseying around the 1.6 acre bookstore (no kidding - Powell’s City of Books), exploring a new city, and meeting a bunch of new people from a new area!

Wish me luck!!

(And AAA last minute travel deals are FREAKIN’ AWESOME!!) I’m super excited to have discovered them!!

9-9-07

I ran across this poem I had written in a notebook dated 9-9-07. It made me smile tonight. : )

Why me?

Why choose me?

Of all the pretty smiles and attractive faces in the room -

Why pick me?

What do I have to offer you?

Sell yourself to me.

Now - go:

Begin.

I'm waiting.

Why am I doing this?

Why am I playing this game?

I shouldn't have to to sell myself.

This is ridiculous.

But I'm here involuntarily voluntarily.

& I can't leave unless I can fall in love

MUTUALLY.

Enough to want to be married.

And then actually do it.

Honestly -

It's a miracle this ever happens.

*sigh*

Here goes:

I could tell you all the facts -

the town I grew up in,

where my family lives,

how many siblings,

where I fit in,

where I work,

where I live,

what kind of music and food I like,

& what I like to do for fun.

But here's what's important to me:

I LOVE the gospel.

I want to be righteous and faithful every day

for the rest of my life.

I'm imperfect -

but I always keep trying.

Life can be tough

But I'm tougher - because I have God

and the Atonement of His Son

on my side.

The Spirit is my companion.

He still will be even when I marry.

I want children.

I want a warm, happy home.

I don't cook fantastically -

but I do alright.

More importantly, I want to be better.

I want to be great!

And I want to love being in the kitchen.

I'm usually patient.

And I want to be moreso.

I enjoy family gatherings.

& I think my family is highly dysfunctional.

But still good.

I love the outdoors.

I love being active.

I want to take starlit walks with the person I love.

I want to support my husband.

Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually.

Not monatarily.

I want my home and family to be my career.

I want to be available

AT HOME

for my children and husband as the world becomes more sinister.

I want to pray morning & night with my husband.

I want to read scriptures together

I want to have spiritual discussions.

I want to attend the temple together

Regularly.

I want to serve a mission with my spouse later in life.

At least one.

I want to serve in the temple.

I want to teach my children

to love the Lord

to love to work

how to achieve goals

how to be strong and righteous.

I want to climb mountains

and bicycle

as a family.

I want to learn how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey

and have family traditions.

I want to be there for my spouse

through the good and bad of life.

I want to never have to walk away again.

I want to sing hymns as lullabies

and memorize Beatles songs.

I want trees in the yard

- climbing trees -

& grass.

I want happy loungey evenings sometimes.

I want interesting dinner topics

including what you did today

- I mostly want conversation at dinner

together

all around.

I want to greet my husband with a kiss each morning

as we wake from slumber.

Ignore the bad breath - the kiss is imperative.

I want to kiss goodbye

and hug hello - all the time.

Kissing hello works too.

But that hug...

that's a miracle-worker.

I want to hold my husband

when he breaks down

and I want to be held by him

when I do.

I want to come 2nd in my husband's life-

God 1st, then me.

That's imperative to me.

I want to grow

and strengthen,

and I want to do that in marriage.

My favorite cereal right now is Cinnamon Life

or Grape Nuts.

Green is my favorite color.

I'm not too picky about flowers -

but lilies

or white roses

have special meaning to me right now.

I love tulips most of all

& I still sleep with my teddy bear.

& I LOVE camping.

What about you?

Happy Mother's Day!!

When I was one year old, my mom made the decision to end her marriage in order to raise her children with the religion and faith she believed in. She moved her three children (ages eight, seven, and one) to a small town to be close to her mother. She got a job, an apartment, and set up life as it would now be. She later got a job with the school district as a teacher, went back to school and obtained her Master's Degree, and continued to raise her children without the support and assistance of a husband. Life wasn't easy, it wasn't what she expected, and has poured out tempests and joys in seasons of her life.

Having been through a divorce myself, I often catch myself thinking about what must have been going on in my mom's heart and head as she walked this road. Her situation was so much more complicated. Her responsibilities so much heavier. And the road ahead so more ominous, I'm sure. I walked away with just myself to take care of. She had three children who she was responsible for, fighting for, caring for, and protecting...now doing it on her own. I can't imagine what those first days must have felt like...the reality sinking in...the move...the first nights alone in a foreign new place...the immense and overwhelming weight and the sadness and the heaviness of how to move forward and how to heal and take care of these children.

Our first house together was a small apartment down the street from my grandma's house. Grandma Olivia was taking care of her mother at the time. I'm grateful for generations of mothers who cared and who loved, and who carried on their legacy of faith and strength in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't know that enough can be said about the sacrifices made in order to allow me to know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, guides me, and watches over me, a Savior who loves me so much He gave His life - willingly and submissively - in order for me to repent of my wrongs and to become a better person, and to know of the beauties and wonders and joys and strengths that the knowledge of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ has brought into my life. It is because of these women that you see in this picture above, that I am who I am, and that I believe what I believe.
Life certainly wasn't the easiest thing for our family. Finances were always tight, and I look back with tenderness and fondness of the numerous acts of service bestowed upon us. Each year, boy scouts and members of our church would generously donate wood to heat our home, and would not only deliver it, but would carefully stack it along our back fence. Home teachers would give priesthood blessings at the petition of my mother each year before school began, and were available to give blessings when illness was severe. Each year we received a recently cut Christmas tree from the Scouts, and many years we rejoiced in food, clothing, and anonymous gifts given.

My mother taught us about frugality, about graciously receiving, and most importantly about the faith she held so dear in her heart. God is real. Jesus Christ is real. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the restored gospel of God on earth, and is true. Prayer is real, and it works. The priesthood is the power of God given to man to act in His name, and it is real. Tithing is a true principle - giving back to the Lord a portion of all that He has given us - and when you pay (no matter how tight the money situation is), things will always work out somehow. Mom found a way to provide us with food, clothes, and a wonderful home. But most importantly, we were provided with roots in a faith which sustains and provides healing, strength, improvement, happiness, guidance, peace, and a foundation which I never want to be without.

I know my mom had her tear-filled days and weeks. I know she felt utterly overwhelmed. But she still smiled and laughed as the years passed by, and I remember reaching out to hold her hand as we crossed parking lots, knowing I was safe around her, riding underneath and on the back of grocery carts, watching her paint and admiring her incredible talent, listening to her sing hymns next to me in church & thinking she had a beautiful voice, listening to stories she would tell, and seeing & hearing her bear her testimony of God in church. As I grew, she was a ceaseless example of living what she believed, and she taught me that kindness and good character is much more beautiful than a pretty face and nice clothes. She listened to me pour out my broken heart when kids were brutal and mean, and would hug me and tell me she loved me often.

By the time I was 12, my older siblings had moved out for college, mission-life, and marriage, and it was just my mom and I at home. We often fought and didn't see eye-to-eye, but I knew she loved me. I knew I was her daughter, and that we were family. We had joyous times together, and I am grateful to have inherited her tender heart, compassion, sensitive emotions, strong faith, courage, independence, ability to love and rejoice in other's successes, and easy-to-tan skin. I hope that I have her smile, too...because I think it's beautiful!!

Mom made my prom dress, and almost every other special event dress I owned. She is a phenomenal seamstress, owns one of my favorite laughs, and is quick to smile, quick to laugh, quick to cry tears of gratitude, quick to help, and a master storyteller. She is gifted beyond measure in teaching children, and as open and honest as they come. She doesn't have a mean bone in her body, and loves with a purity which I hope to be able to emulate in my own relationships. Her faith is inspirational, and I am thankful to be her daughter. She continues to be a wonderful example of courage and strength, and I can't say enough about the help she has given in my life. I am also grateful for her angel mother (as my mom has dubbed her)...I'm grateful for the strong relationship my mother had with her mother, and the influence it made on me.

Grandma helped raise me during those first precious years after my parents' divorce, and I'm thankful that of all the people who were able to take me to kindergarten, stand with me at the bus stop for the first time, greet me each afternoon at the bus stop with a hug and smile, walk home with me, and let me be a part of their everyday chores of cleaning, cooking, laundry, and errands, that it was my grandmother. The picture below is how I remember her. She's the one in the bottom left corner in the bright flowered shirt.

And last of all, to my sisters who continue to be amazing and inspirational examples to me of motherhood, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!! You are beautiful and amazing! I love you!

got wag?

I saw one of these on a truck window last week. : ) Amen!!

...and, by request, here's the website to order one of these charming little sunshine-scatterers:

http://www.agathaandlouise.com/servlet/the-999/Wag-More-Bark-Less/Detail

Family

I LOVE my family! Last night I had a chance to meet up with my sister & her family when they were in town...my nieces & I giggled and laughed and enjoyed our silliness for a half hour before (ok, during...) bedtime. It was wonderful for my heart!!



Thanks, my family! I love you!!

Inspired

I was struck again, while listening to General Conference today, how **much** I LOVE people!! I love the chance to be inspired by their words, by their examples, by their lives, and to be blessed by their faith and testimonies of a God who knows and loves each of us as His children, of a Savior who knows and loves each of us, and to be a member of a religion led by leaders who love and serve God with all their hearts, and who seek for truth in every aspect of their lives.

My ancestry has blessed me with a heart that feels deeply, strongly, and purely about others. Compassion is something I have grown into loving, and I have come to understand that it is truly a passion. I cannot meet people who I admire, without loving them. Even if I meet them only once (or in some cases, never), their influence leaves a mark on my heart, and changes it, and me, forever. I can't help but then be filled with gratitude for their existence and example...for the choices they have made to do and be what they are...and for the beauty that in this life, my heart is shaped largely by the people who wander through it.

I love being surrounded by people. Because of this opportunity, I am given the chance to love someone, to serve someone, to see a world bigger than my own, to learn, to experience, to respect and admire and cherish. And I recognize that of all the people we are surrounded by, some of those most beneficial to us are those that stretch us the most. The rude, callous people who cause frustration, the mean and malicious who drive knives into our hearts, and all others who (for whatever reason) create a cause for us to feel anger, bitterness, frustration, annoyance...any and all of those less-than-joyous emotions. Were it not for them, we wouldn't have the chance to exercise our traits of patience, forgiveness, charity, and kindness on that level. Because of them, they offer us the chance to reinforce those qualities each time we use them. Without them, we would lack the chance to respond, and therefore the chance to make it an active part of our heart and life. I AM grateful, however, that the Lord has given me MANY more of the positive examples in my life than the negative. My heart is sensitive, and I react strongly to the negative. I will probably forever struggle in mortality to obtain a strength big enough to not internalize those experiences too much.

I am grateful to rub shoulders with people. I don't think we have an inkling of just how remarkable and divine the people are that we pass each day. They each have a lifetime of moments, many defining, most considered mundane...ones which they are proud of, ashamed of, saddened by, joyous about, often just impartial about. It is a beauty that this mortal life allows such absolute diversity. No two people are the same. Every person has their own lifetime of memories...often they have little in common with others, although they come from the same place. Others have too much in common to count, even though they come from vastly different backgrounds. Isn't it interesting that you can find friendship in every walk of life...it crosses continents and cultures, ages and economic climates, family dynamics and careers...you can find kindred hearts and souls any and everywhere. What does that say about God's beautiful plan?

I like to think that it means we are all in the midst of a human experience which is (not so far under the surface) deeply connected and intertwined with each other. It is deeply personal, and intimately rewarding, yet each of us has a power of connection in our interactions. We are not meant to be independent beings. We are meant to find and create invisible threads and cords which bind our hearts and lives together.

It is what this human experience is about.

Years ago, I watched a movie called 'Being Human'. I tried watching it a few years later, and just thought it was rather weird...but the first time, I was so touched and inspired by the humanness that crosses every plane. Time, social status, economic status, location...the same human struggles and joys exist, and have existed, since the beginning of time. It is a human experience. Deeply personal, yet universally shared.

The funnest (yes, funnest) feeling today of all the inspiring messages I heard, was the recognition of how sacred, priceless, and beautiful it is to have two people sharing many of the same experiences, especially over many years. I thought specifically of married couples, and how their lives are intertwined with memories sharing the mirror of each other. One person's memory containing one person, the other containing the other. Two memories, each with their own personal experience of joy, or pain, peace, comfort, exuberance, sorrow, anguish, connection...yet intertwined because they are mirrors to each other. Each often sharing the same emotion which, while independent, is mutually experienced. It is not two halves combining to make a whole, but two wholes coming together to make another dimension. It is beauty, and depth, and tapestry of a sort which I cannot picture, but which I can feel in my soul.

I think there is a special beauty when it covers a period of years, and is between the same two people. There is a sense of richness and depth and strength which I find beautiful, amazing, and certainly inspiring. Think then, of the awesome additional dimension and beauty which occurs when God and heaven are included in those moments!! THAT, (to me) is what it's most truly about. Even your solitary moments are bigger than just you. (Because really, I believe that's how it is anyway...but recognizing it is the key to greater fulfillment and joy in each moment).

And friendships offer the same thing. So can any experience with anyone, anywhere. Marriages, friendships, family relationships, random encounters with people you've never met...this life is about adding a dimension to each experience you have. Making it more that just yours.

My most valued inspiration today was my feeling of peace and conviction when the new Prophet was sustained, and when specific testimonies were born of God, our Eternal Heavenly Father, and of our Savior, Jesus Christ. The conviction and passion in voices as they conveyed these truths and messages touched my heart, and strengthened my spirit and testimony.

And so I say thank you today. Thank you for the inspiration. (!!!!) : )

It's that Easter Pageant Time of Year

The last month has been an odd one for me. It's been fraught with unexpected changes in plans, and a lot of continued bafflement for me in the way things end so differently than expected. I've been sick, and that illness (a seemingly neverending cold/flu) has caused most of the changes in plans.

Last year, the Easter Pageant was a place of peace and strength for me. I watched the practices, sitting on the north lawn of the Mesa, AZ temple. I talked with some of the people involved and found inspiration in their smiles and experiences. I walked the temple grounds, and around the Easter Pageant stage, and found peace in the quiet that exists when practices and shows are finished, and everyone has gone home for the day. The pageant, the people, the stage, the location of it being on the temple grounds...all of it evokes peace and hope in my heart.


The production of the Easter Pageant is an extremely invovled one. Hundreds of hours are spent to ensure that everything is 'just right'. One of the most touching stories I heard last year was about the lamb used in the scene with Adam - when he lifts the lamb above his head, and the narrator explains that God gave the commandment of sacrifice to Adam. The miracle in this, each year, is explained in this article from 2007:

"Miracle of the Lamb".


I heard the story, and the invitation was given to everyone present to please pray for such a lamb to be found, as I sat watching the practice one afternoon last year.

This year I looked forward to the chance of taking at least a couple of hours each week and going to watch the practices. Due to my illness and my mind being so foggy from being sick, I missed it all. The pageant, however, is not over yet, and I will have the chance to watch it this week. For that, I am incredibly grateful and excited!

Something I did get to enjoy this year was new - an exhibit called "Reflections of Christ". It is being displayed in the Visitor's Center and includes many people from the Easter Pageant. One thing which touched my heart was that the music was composed by Clyde Bawden. He's the guy who played at a fireside last year, and who gave me the last CD he had from the trunk of his car. I bawled and bawled through the fireside as he played his song 'Human Spirit' which is about overcoming.

I am so grateful for people in this world who share their talents and gifts, and who share their testimonies of God and Christ. They bless and strenghten and uplift my heart and life.