December

I’m not sure what the secret is to people finding their eternal companions, and marrying for forever. Whatever it is, the universe (God) has helped me to become a little more savvy in the process of accomplishing above said, but those darn secrets are still secret to me. Maybe it’s just the truth of God’s timing being the most important thing, and us needing to trust in His perfect plan, AND learning not to compare. (Kinda hard when your peers often have 5+ kids, some with 14 year olds…and you’re now attending the family wards as a Single Adult.) My life is in a very different place, my heart has very different struggles, but that being said, I believe that we (married people AND single people) have the same goals and dreams and convictions regarding life and families…we’re just in different phases of implementation.

• We believe in eternal marriage, and are fighting everyday to make it a possibility.
• We believe in eternal families, and work everyday to help make that goal a reality.
• We believe in loving, nurturing, and teaching children.
• We know that daily life is hard, chaotic, our hearts often break, and our bodies become weary, but our families are worth whatever price we’re required to pay.
• The gospel is central to establishing the happiest eternal life and family possible. It deepens our joys, extends our endurance, strengthens our hearts and spirits, and helps ease our aches.

I’m learning to trust that I AM where God needs me to be, and where I am meant to be. I’m trusting deeper that if He needed me somewhere else, He would move me – even quickly – as I’ve witnessed several times in my life. I’m learning to never take a day or opportunity for granted ( and to rejoice in them as they occur!!) because you never know how long those moments will be available. I’m learning to forgive more fully, to love with less defenses, and to live with more daily joy. And I’m learning that everything that happens in life is good – that all things we encounter are for our good…no matter how unfair or tough. The Lord’s beautiful mercy and plan allow even the worst things to become events of growth and refinement, making us better, and blessing our lives.

I have found great comfort in knowing that people get married all the time who are unprepared for marriage, and who will fumble and falter. I say that, because being single, I tend to feel like maybe I haven’t done enough to qualify for the blessings of marriage again…but then I remember that it’s not about being qualified, it’s about it being right, and our desires being in line with the Lord’s and His timetable. I have to admit, I get confused sometimes…where is the line between being faithful and submissive, and not being assertive and proactive enough? And I wonder how to fight for what I want without overstepping my bounds.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t hope for the beginning whispers of my future family to start taking shape. And I have also established a habit so there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t rejoice in where I am today, and who I have become through my school of life…to enjoy the blessings and gifts of this day, this circumstance, and know that I am where God needs me to be. It is an odd balance to maintain, and it requires an enormous amount of faith and trust in God to hold at bay the onslaught of Satan’s criticism and comparisons.

I do enjoy the simplicity of single life – the ease of making decisions, and the spontaneity which I am allowed to be so creative with. I enjoy the surplus of time I have to serve those I love, strengthen existing friendships, and create new ones. New faces, new adventures and opportunities to travel, learn, and grow...

But having been married, I also know that (for me) even the hardest days of marriage were better than the best days of being single. The reason? Because there is no greater happiness I’ve experienced than loving people, and finding ways to serve and support them. This is what my heart and hands were built for. And I have an intense desire to be focused on the things that matter in the long run…to build relationships that will last, and to work together in a team whose goal is ‘Heaven or Bust’. There is no greater fulfillment or sense of accomplishment I have achieved than the feelings I experienced in knowing I was a successful helpmeet, friend, and wife. These are the things that are most important to me, and being single, I am able to exercise only a portion of this. I can support my friends and family, I love them and serve them and find great joy in our relationships. But we are not an eternal companionship – there are no specific common goals (or even home) – and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. And I miss it. I miss the sacrifices, I miss the sweetness, I miss having something bigger to live for. Having tasted it, and enjoyed the security and beauty and joy that comes through working through difficult situations, moods, and joys, of overcoming roadblocks together and supporting each other on our battlefields, nothing else comes close to comparing. I have never felt more purpose, more fulfillment, more joy. It is breathtakingly difficult and easy.

And for the month of December, as I walk through weeks and memories, I am grateful for the chance I have to love marriage, and to have confidence in myself as a future wife. I don’t know when (and somedays don’t know how,) but I know it will happen again, and for that day, I am already grateful beyond measure.

And until then, I am grateful for each day that my heart is strengthened and for my ever-deepening gratitude for my life plan and purpose, and for those who love and serve me, and allow me to do the same for them. Wherever I go, whatever my life consists of, I am grateful for this life of miracle and experience!